Thank You Very Much for Reading. 
To be honest, I don’t know if I want to continue writing about my mom, dad or about my family or childhood, but I might add a few things, and that’s it.
Edit: she always took care that I was happy, or tried to help me, during our struggles.
She took money from neighbors, but she would make sure that I was fed, clothed and happy. I even had more money than most kids, in high school.
It was all thanks to her.
At the end of high school, I had the most amazing suit, an Armani one, that was my mom’s gift for me.
She really wanted me to not feel the burden of our struggles, and, as a loving parent, she always had hopes for me that I will make something with my future…
It didn’t turn out how she had hoped, in fact it was the complete opposite, my life turned out to be a failure, at least judging from an economical and social point of view…
But the story is not over, and of course, I was an amazing son (well, I’ve had my huge share of mistakes, but I didn’t know better), despite all our struggles, my soul never abandoned hope.
Maybe I’ll add a YouTube recipe or something.
{Disclaimer: in this post, I mentioned some of our struggles, I viewed things from the lenses of failures, suffering, etc.; if You, the reader, don’t want to read this, then skip it}
She had notes about all sorts of recipes, a cookbook of sorts, but that is lost, alongside quite a few other things, as we moved since then (since I was ten) 3 times:
At a relative, before we bought something;
Then, due to my aunt’s plans for her family (she told us that they would help us, that we should simply buy an apartment and open a small shop, but when the time came, due to my mom already having a pension due to health issues, she had to renounce that, in order to open the shop, but she was afraid; anyway, the small family shop was started by our relatives, but somehow, when it came to signing the papers, my mom got convinced that it’s only a formality, and we got deceived, by our relatives, as they took over and only paid my mom for a short while, then denied her her own rightful income from the shop), we had dreams of having a small business of our own, and we almost had it…
My mom bought the apartment, my relatives took over, her own sister and nephew (as my aunts husband, my uncle was already dead) and another dark chapter started in our lives, in many ways darker than the first…
We never had true peace in that apartment, as I’ve seen my mom almost being depressive and always regretting the steps she took, steps which were meant to secure us, especially me, a safer and better future…
And finally, after years of living in that apartment, we finally sold it…
The neighborhood was quite low quality, nothing compared to how we used to live in our old home.
I never liked it, and my isolation started there, due to depression and other issues.
First I’ve seen my mom descend into depression and other issues, thanks to regretting selling the old home, regretting breaking up with dad, since we practically were in a worse situation, surrounded by relatives who were fake, who didn’t actually loved us, but used us…
And she trusted them, that was the worst part.
They were not completely evil, but to be honest, they were self centered, didn’t really care about us, and broke their promise/word to help my mom…
I’ve had a few friends there (while living in the apartment), too, even good friends, especially one of my best friends;
I didn’t mention but I’ve had quite a few friends back at our old (my first) home.
They would even eat at my home, and occasionally the other way.
They quite liked my mom’s cooking.
Anyway, in the last year of us staying there, she started dreaming of a house again, then, since she was so sure that we can make it, we sold the apartment, moved to my bros (temporarily, we thought) and bought some small property and started building a house…
I promised that I would help her with our new house, I promised that I would go work or do something, but I broke my promise too…
I was lazy, I didn’t want to hear about working and, health issues already made a comeback (after my father died, a year later, I had a memory loss, then a year later, meningitis; I barely escaped death ; then, I’ve had all sorts of health issues, including depression, digestive issues, some bladder issues, etc.) , so even if I wanted to, I don’t know if I could (there was a small windows of me getting better, that was around the time we sold the apartment and we moved to my brother’s),
And, due to my breathing issues, and feeling so weak, no energy, etc., plus other issues, like obesity and Hemorrhoids, well, we didn’t have any money, and we did the most terrible thing yet, we sold that new house we already built (it would have taken only a few more investments to be able to live there)…
Things went by, no one thought I would work, except my mom.
Very soon, the money were gone.
It was like we all lost our minds, our common sense.
Anyway, later I went to a healer, who helped me with my severe asthma, anxiety, allergies, constant severe fatigue, and other health issues.
But, it wasn’t free.
I even took a small loan back then, in the hopes that things would go smooth, at least from that point on.
I was 25 years old back then, and things looked promising.
I was looking so much better than before, without being overweight (I’ve had been skinny like once, for one two yeas, right before we sold our apartment; in fact, that was a thing ever since I was 13, gaining weight, losing weight… ; I’ve had girls visiting me at my home, when I looked good, wanting to have fun, either at our apartment or at my bro’s), and the prospect of me having my own family somewhere in the near future, seemed plausible.
Then, a few years later, came the pandemic, and me fearing for my health, due to having had quite the history, I quit my job.
I started working from home, but maybe I caught the virus or whatever, since I would cough like crazy…
And couldnt keep my job, it was a remote one, I was calling people, etc.
My health went down, significantly…
Then, having prayed to anyone I knew, desperate and searching for ways to get my health back, I finally found Sapien Medicine.
This was a few years ago.
Immediately my mom’s health worsened, due to her having so many issue, then due to her surgeries and all the pressure, I started eating, a lot…
I got obese, again.
Still, except that problem, my health isn’t bad, in fact I dropped my inhaler, and never took it since then.
My allergies are manageable.
I don’t feel weak (rarely I do, and then I use chakra work and fields and I’m back up, hours to a day, I’m mostly healed).
I already started losing weight, but this time, it seems to be slower than up to my early twenties.
Almost 7 years it took, I was finally over my obesity phase, I was fit, things started to look good…
You know the ending of the latest chapter…
Again, just a brief recollection of things, so the whole story is obviously more nuanced, more complex, but tbh I think I’ll only post about her favorite music, possibly a recipe or two, and I’m done.
This was dark, and I am not sure if it’s the right thing to even post this…
Yet,ill do it.
But never another post like this, or like the previous one.
At the most a picture and a phrase, a small context or anything else which I’ve mentioned, but keeping it brief.
Edit: I think that I’ve been having some self destructive programs, due to witnessing death threats as a child, and due to other issues.
I would make some progress, then back to ruining myself…
Traumatized and having deep seated fears, bad memories, I never fully healed, especially emotionally.
I’m still in the full process of doing it.
To fully heal myself, it seems to be a long term quest.
I definitely feel better, overall, than back in my teenage era or early 20s.
Back then, I even thought about suicide…
She was my greatest light.
Anyway, she tried her best, but she suffered too, a lot, in many ways, far worse than I did.
It is what it is.
It’s a new chapter in my life and I have to continue writing my story, although hopefully this time, more self aware and with more responsability than before…
I wish I did more, I wish I could, but maybe I was at my limits too.
Again, I accept, and I move on, I continue my journey.
Perhaps some revision techniques and others, perhaps chakra work, affirmations, deinitely daily fields, these are my tools, to which I have access to, and I think they are more than enough to bring light into my life, and hopefully help those departed too, to fully heal our bonds and our past too, in order for all of us, to continue our stories…
Thank You for Reading.
