I have been on many trips but this was the first where I had ‘died’. I don’t take psychedelics once-a-week, every week like clockwork anymore like I used to, 3 years ago. (taken them 3 single times maybe all this year) But not sure why, but out of the blue on a specific day last week, I decided to take 3 tabs before I left with my dad to HEB. (I don’t see my dad much so I decided to visit him for two weeks.) It was really an out-of-the-blue kinda thing. It started to take effect at HEB. Was feeling more spaced out. Visuals started to gradually come. When I gotten to the house, was when the trip started to really take over and peak.
We’d gotten back to my dad’s house, and I’d remember I had seen the lady that lived in the house and her husband came out of the garage. And then I remember I came to the realization that I was dead. Everything was black for the most part ( all I see was darkness, no image), but I could still hear people in the house going on about their day, including my dad. But couldn’t see them. It was as if I had already passed on for some days (time was absent in my mind at that point) and life was going on for me as a spirit. I thought this was prolly how Bianka felt. There was one moment when I was able to come out of my stupor for a bit, at least visually, and see my dad washing the dishes through some blurry lenses. I thought/felt like I was watching him as a spirit! Like he couldn’t see me but I could only see him.
Then I started to get random thoughts in my head when the lsd peaked. Thoughts circulating, from the rat that my dad had barely caught in a cage, of how and ‘good’ and ‘bad’ didn’t exist as everything is ‘One’, of all the regrets I had up until this point. How then I’d realized I screwed myself because of taking it. And how none of it mattered now and because it’s too late. Nothing I could do about it. And how even pissing/shitting and etc, I didn’t needa to worry bout stuff like that anymore cuz I was just a spirit now wit no vessel. i really couldn’t believe that I was dead… Throughout my life since I was 5, I have dodged death many times, prolly about 7-8. Maybe more. And from different, sometimes random ways. I have thought about it many times before (Not in a suicidal sense but just wondering how life would be after death) but never thought it would be like this… Like my thoughts were circulating in a circle like that for some time and never ending. And at the end of the barrage of those thoughts would all lead back to the words, “It’s all interconnected”. lol I had come to realization that this state of mind I was in, would go on for an eternity. Like with these thoughts continuing forever. Like this was my ‘hell’.
There was one point where I heard like maybe myself or someone else, pleading on my behalf to give me a second chance to live. And the Universe, or maybe a ‘gatekeeper’ or ‘God’ (I honestly don’t know who it was but they had ‘authority’ saying in a pained voice with extreme sorrow “I’m sorry, it’s too late.” And kept saying that over and over when whomever tried to speak upon my behalf. Of how I was a really good/pure soul. I felt as if I was in court and could hear others debating on if I would be able to come back now. And I remember that voice of authority saying in a pained voice, “Some things are just how things are”. "Some things cannot be explained’‘. “It’s ancestral karma”. "Karmic balance’’. “I’m sorry” “Some things can’t be understood”. But it sounded like a close friend or maybe one of my angels kept tryna speak upon my behalf. Like they were all pained (‘Universe’ and prolly my ‘angels’ ) that a ‘good’ soul like me had to pay dearly for something that is beyond their control and they were sorry.
Then at one point I remember I somehow separated myself (With mindfulness) from the barrage of thoughts circulating, I guess it felt like my ‘ego’. And it was if I was on the outside of my ego looking in. I remember at first I kept saying "Shit where do i start? Realizing and being 100% in acceptance that I was going to be there for an eternity, I started to go down a list of things i wanted to address now that I was gone. Like all the issues I was not able to fully sort out. At that moment I remember I had the feeling like "Shit Ima be stuck here in the abyss forever, so I will have all the time in the world to keep myself company.‘’ LOL I started to think about the relationship between me and my mom. How she told me she’d put poison in my food when I was young, or how she choked me as well. And how I was sorry for disappointing her. I thought bout when my dad told me he’d put a bullet in my head in kindergarden, and I yelled out how I was sorry for never making him proud. I was also having regret that I took the lsd and died. I thought about spirituality and the ‘ego’ and why it so important for me to dissolve it. There was literally so many things going on… Even now I am unsure if I have remembered everything. I am just describing parts I remembered vividly.
But I remembered after all the ‘shadow work’ at one point I just silenced my mind completely and I’d remember feeling ‘enlightened’. I just accepted all my ’ bad’ parts, all my ‘good’ parts, the fact that I was dead, my regrets, how I was never able to make ‘peace’ and even that I was stuck in this eternity and point of no return. I remembered when I’d finally ‘let go’ of everything was when I was in complete peace. Like i had floated and became “One” with the Universe. I know 1000% (Cuz it’s happened to me before in prison from k-2 lmao) had it not been for my spiritual practices, I would have been so scared… But I felt so happy when I was able to accept “All that Was” and I remember thinking “It was all worth it… It was all worth it…” That I finally was ‘in control’ and it all paid off I guess I meant my spiritual journey.
I remember a close friend popped in my head a few times, and how I deeply appreciated all his spiritual wisdom/friendship. I just was at complete peace/acceptance that I was dead and not coming back. I then started to think about, how I would help others after I am dead. Like how I will be able to help my family, friends, and others and do things that matter even after death. Be an ‘angel’ behind the scenes kinda thing. Then I woke up and realized I was alive. And couldn’t believe it, I was so happy. Lol I kept saying “I’m alive! I’m alive!” I kept touching my face and couldn’t believe it. I felt like it was my second chance!
And when I came to, my pops was like “Do you need to take a shower?” With a blank face 
The whole time I was literally on the ground, yelling things aloud to myself and I think at some parts crying out of happiness lol
