Thanks for the Reminder. 

I simply wish I was that positive againā¦
Life stripped away lots of dear beings, things and even the love of life away from me (not totally, just partially).
Somewhere deep within there is still the positive, joyful me, but heās buried in so many pains and failures, I donāt even know anymoreā¦
Iām not gonna lie and say Iām this strong, invincible being, getting over everythingā¦
Iām not (or if I am, itās beyond my human persona).
But somehow Iām still finding the strength to go further, there is and still remains the will to live on, despite all my failuresā¦
Maybe thatās a programmed will, strong programming, since somehow I want to go further.
Yet, I see the pointlessness of all our endeavors.
Everything we build in this world, can be destroyed, everything we get, we can lose, our loved ones are not guaranteed to us, to stay with us, according to our will, and perhaps not even our own lives, not even there we have any guaranteeā¦
Yet, perhaps through all of this, I realize that we are neither our lives, nor our stories which we construct in our heads nor the stories which society is weaving about usā¦
I am learning to accept life, but it looks like my past mistakes are really haunting me, like not having a career or even a chosen path, I can now feel the weight of my lack of choices, of my carelessnessā¦
Itās already starting to become so much harder to survive in this country, especially for a minimum wage, that I ask myself what am I doing hereā¦
There is my brother, his pets which I love, a nephew who cares a little bit about me, but other than those, no one else ever visits me, nor calls me, except a couple relatives every once in a while and some friends, a couple, of my momās.
There it is again, the very path which I have built through my isolation, yet a friend, if I can even call him that, since he never speaks with me anymore, he was a guy who hanged out with countless friends, and in his hour of need, he got no one but his mom, perhaps me and my mom (my mom tried to help him with money, I told her itās pointless, he sold a phone she bought for him⦠I think either for drugs or on slot machines, where he was spending even his last pennyā¦) and nowadays heās married.
Well, heās got a wife, which is not a bad deal, actually, far better than spending money on things he shouldnāt ever spend onā¦
Anyway, it is what it isā¦
Somehow, Iām gonna find a way, I have to, since I do not want to throw away everything, all the love which my dear ones have invested in me.
Iām still here and I will be here, no matter what.
Well, here meaning on Earth, in this physical incarnation of mine.
I have no idea how, well I have some ideas, but I would rather post on the forum when I have managed to make some of those ideas part of my reality, a fleeting one, but still (a) reality.
One things for certain, Iām not gonna lie and say Iām fine, when Iām notā¦
Still, Iām not that bad either, somehow I was truly depressed as a teen and in my early 20s.
Now, i understand things a little bit better and I know that happiness is something which I can always choose, tune into, or create, etc.
I can and I will be happy again.
Iām smiling just writing this.
Anyway, a chapter ended in my life, and another one comes, and hopefully there will be some good chapters left, in this book of mineā¦
But, as the author, that remains my duty, my burden and my choice, how things will unravel furtherā¦
Although itās a co-creation here, so, I donāt know, I will see how things will go.
My highest duty is to never give up, which I wonāt.
Anyway, this Christmas is the very first one without both my parents, and to be honest, I donāt know how gleeful can I beā¦
But I bet, I will still manage to smile, perhaps even to laugh.
I have already tasted agony, now itās time to taste sweetness and joyfulness, againā¦
And if Youāve been reading this, well, I gotta add this part too:
Merry Christmas! 




Peace, Joy, Love, these are all things which I can find, they are always within and can be found without too.
The idea is to not search too far away, since they can always be found or produced, within, and perhaps these are among The Greatest Gifts Which We Can Offer to Ourselves and to Others.