I’m writing an update to my previous situation since I think I’ll feel better if I write about my recent experiences, it’ll be quite long as well. To sort of sum up what happened last time I posted here, I was having these weird experiences happen after a meditation session, where basically my body started moving by itself and started doing yoga, etc. And I had never done yoga before, I had a few books on the topic, but had never really read them. At most, I had done the tibetan rites for a short period of time (if that counts). I assumed it was some Kundalini stuff because I had heard stories of people going into kriya positions spontaneously and what not (after my last post, I was told by _OM that I had awakened Kundalini). I started trying to “communicate” with it, developing a multiple choice system using fingers to indicate different options (lol). I ended up deluding myself into believing all this shit that wasn’t happening (for the most part, probably), seeing things that weren’t happening when my eyes were closed, basically went mentally insane for a bit. I was having discussions with my own thoughts, it was a real mess and I’ve developed this PTSD from the experience. This lasted for awhile, not sure exactly how long. After my last post, the visual delusions started to subside and I started to become aware of it more, I stopped trying to “communicate” with whatever it is.
Since then, things have gotten somewhat “better” but different I guess. I’ve started feeling like I’m not in control of my body mostly, like I’m just observing someone else. I’ve stopped identifying with my thoughts as much, if I got caught up with them, I would eventually pull myself out and observe them. It’s a really weird experience, maybe I’m still delusional. It’s like I’ve become more aware that I’m on autopilot, and I’m only consciously controlling some things. But the part of me that’s constantly trying to do yoga or different stretches or pressing certain points on the body, etc. feels totally foreign to me. Like after my initial meditation experience, this “knowledge” was programmed into me and I’m just doing this shit on autopilot or something. I’ve restricted it for the most part because otherwise I’d be doing hours of this stuff and meditating, I just do maybe 15-20 minutes in the morning and a little bit at night if I can help it, mostly for health reasons, if I do nothing I start to have health issues. But whenever I relax, it starts doing it’s thing, especially when I’m trying to sleep. Idk, I don’t feel like “me” anymore and it’s uncomfortable and kinda scary? idk.
The other thing is all the self-sabotage that’s been going on, having thoughts that try to get me to perform self-harm or suicide or whatever, general bad stuff. Usually when I have those thoughts, it’s become automatic for me say “cancel” in my head, but it’s become so tiring to do so because it happens so often. Before all these experiences, I used to kinda observe those thoughts and let them go, but after these experiences, I’ve developed this PTSD and phobia of what could happen if I don’t “cancel” it. It’s like part of me is doing this with intent to harm myself. I bought the Freedom Course when it came out for the Light Collapser field, because I felt like that would help me. I went through the first part of the course, where you were collapsing thoughts related to certain words, and that experience was quite interesting. But when I kept the field on me passively, this “self-sabotage” would keep saying “activate” and then a keyword and I would start to really feel these emotions, such as fear for example, randomly when I was at work or with people and just freak out. So naturally I had to take the field off and I’ve for the most part stopped doing the course, though I feel like I probably should.
Now for the last thing that I experienced, which was last night when I was trying to sleep. Recently I haven’t been able to sleep properly, often staying up all night, and last night was no exception. I fell asleep for a short period of time, waking up after maybe an hour or so. Afterwards I was lying there on my phone and eventually put it down and tried to go back to sleep. I experienced something that I thought might have been “astral projection” but I’ve never experienced it before so I’ll kind of describe what happened. Basically, I was lying there, and I’m not sure exactly if I was experiencing “sleep paralysis” or not, but I felt like I couldn’t move though I didn’t try. This thing came out of my forehead, with like a cord attached to my “third eye” i guess, or maybe slightly above it. I could see in my mind’s eye my vision of floating near the ceiling of my room near the window, but I didn’t feel like I was floating, I honestly felt like I was lying down in my bed in my physical body, observing through the vision of this thing. After a minute or so of this, I told it to come back and then it came back and lodged itself inside my head again and my body sort of jolted and I got up afterwards.
That experience reminded me of a book I had read when I first started this thread, where it was talking about the stages of which a taoist adept would go through to reach ascension or whatever. It talks about a “divine child” in the later stages, mostly the last stage, stage 4, where when your body is in a suspended state, the divine child can leave the body through the head, with a cord attached or whatever. And the adept is supposed to teach the divine child and kept it from straying too far from the body because if it loses it’s way, the body in the suspended state dies. This stage is supposed to last for 9 years or so, I don’t remember the exact details and I don’t really want to read the book again because it scares me a bit lol. Anyways, I haven’t met the requirements to awaken the divine child or whatever, so I’m skeptical, but what I experienced doesn’t feel like what I’ve heard about astral travel. At first, I thought the divine child was just the astral body but I don’t think it is anymore. Anyways, if there’s anyone who’s familiar with taoist alchemy and what not, it’d appreciate your take on this. @El_Capitan_Nemo @Maoshan_Wanderer
That experience also happened after I specifically started rubbing the stomach 21 times in clockwise and counter clockwise position, once a day. Basically, after doing so, the chakras started “spinning” or whatever consistently and I’ve physically started feeling better, but then a few days later I had that “astral travel” experience and now it just feels like there’s something in my forehead, attached to the third eye or something. But maybe I’m delusional. Idk.
Anyways, any advice or thoughts on what I posted would be appreciated. I feel slightly better after writing this lol, it’s been a lot to handle for me recently.
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