Hi Everyone,
I’ve been stalking these forums for a few days now. I could use some advice. I’m at a point in my life where I didn’t think I could get any lower, and it’s hard to see a way out. I found the sapien medicine audios on YouTube, and they were the first audios I’ve (for the most part) trusted in a long time. I found the article Point of No Return on enlightened states website, and I’ve been listening to the suggested audios for the past 4 or 5 days. Not seeing much difference yet. I emailed SapienMed as well, hoping to hear from them sometime soon.
The story is a long one. If it’s too much, too personal, too inappropriate, Please flag it. I’m looking for a community that might have advice, shed some light on strange phenomena. I’m going to start writing and see where we get.
I was an atheist till about 4 years ago in 2016, when, due to some strange circumstances, marijuana, doing more yoga, learning to sing and doing breathwork, I had an experience where it was like a veil had lifted, and I had entered a lucid dream, but it was normal life. I was doing laundry in my apartment laundry room. It was wonderful. This would happen on occasion, especially if I was smoking, and I had a night at a blues jam where I felt at one with the band and the universe, connected with everything. Afterwards, I heard myself say that I was not worthy of this, that I hadn’t worked hard enough to enjoy these gifts this easily. I felt like myself for the first time, and I was terrified I would blow it, and lose it all.
Sure enough, that is exactly what happened. If I wasn’t lucid, i was doing something wrong, failing. I went into denial, at the same time thinking I was a rockstar, that I had reached a final form, that I was now an enlightened being and my hard work was over. But I knew something was missing, so I started telling myself I needed to do a brain entrainment to “unlock my childhood” and get back to enlightenment. And started listening to subliminals for any superpower, and for some reason due to a combination of fantasies I’ve entertained in the past, as well as the taboo-ness of it, I started watching a series of porn videos called Sissy Hypnosis, somehow thinking this was a good idea.
My life started falling apart. I couldn’t tear myself off the computer, spending most of my time nearly curled up in a ball. I forgot to pay rent, got evicted from my apartment, moved home with my parents. There, things steadily declined further, crying like a helpless infant all the time, living in misery. Finally, at my best friend’s wedding in mexico in the summer of 2017, my girlfriend told me she had cheated on me the week before.
I knew things had to change. I started therapy. Reconnected with my friends. Cut out the hypnosis videos. Started neurofeedback, was working with a trigger point massage therapist, and changed my diet. Basically spending all the money I was earning as a nurse on healing. Things were getting better. I was releasing things in a healthy way. I was still sad, knew that I was still missing something. The beauty of my true self was in there somewhere, always homesick and feeling like I lacked that feeling of being me. I thought I might never feel it again. There came a time when I released something big, a pattern from my family. But there was something deeper. Something it felt like I couldn’t face yet. Something it felt like had to do with my mom.
Somehow I convinced myself the right move was to become a travel nurse, that I couldn’t completely heal at home. So I made a plan, and left beginning of 2018. When I arrived at my first assignment. It was like everything I was suppressing came out. I don’t know if my parents house was the equivalent of the toxic environment I was used to, or if I was just suppressing it, but I started back with subliminals and sissy hypno right away. Trying to work in a new place at a new hospital during the day, and going home and engaging in addictive behaviors, telling myself it was what I needed, that it was healing somehow.
It was like one part of me was trying to heal, or pretending to heal, and another part of me (or something) pulling back everything I was letting go of. For those of you that don’t know, sissy hypnosis videos are very traumatizing, heavily stimulating videos designed to brainwash you, forced submission into becoming a woman. I continued down the video series, listening to a voice that would take everything I was reading and turn it into an excuse to watch more. I was reading some Carl Jung, and told myself this was my shadow self and this was good for me. I was on a path to find the missing parts of me, and this was a part of that path.
By the time I reached my next assignment, I switched to working night shift, and thought I was becoming a woman named Amanda, and I had to release the rest of my childhood traumas so I could complete the process. Somewhere around then, there was another voice inside me that knew this was wrong, that this wasn’t me, and definitely not what I wanted for my life. I was stressed, and susceptible, and kept watching the videos. Not realizing how insane I was becoming, or what I was doing to myself.
I was doing healing work at the same time with an energy called Ka Shen Sekhem. During an attunement, it was like my body took me through this weird sequence that only it remembered, that i had no conscious memory of, like it was being raped by something dark and scary. The energies felt like my mother and father. I thought perhaps that it had either happened to me as a baby, or my body was aware that it happened to my mother. Or, it was an entity invasion and a total lie.
When I was watching the videos, there were times when I thought I was aware of a voice or a being, using my own thoughts and emotions, and the sex videos, to allow me to give more permission for it to enter, take hold of my body. I kept falling for the traps that if I continued this process, it would fix my life. Maybe the videos created a character, a mind personality that was on board with this, like a neurosis or something. But I was falling for it.
I was becoming a recluse, scared of the world, not talking to anyone, getting pulled into more stressful environments and gross places. The videos were changing my vision. Pinks were popping out, colors “girls” like, and it was like there was an entity attached to me that pushed me toward men, and being attracted to any man. It didn’t feel natural at all.
The videos got more insane, but I couldn’t stop. I was on the path. Finally, I had an insane episode of complete psychosis. I had been done with the drugs for at least 4 months. I didn’t need them anymore. One day at my travel assignment, it felt like everything, every input from the environment, sight sound, smell, was being twisted as it entered my field of being, twisted into telling me I was becoming a woman, a barbie doll, for a black man. Yes. Insane. But it felt real.
I made an excuse to leave. The world was caving in. My vision was so distorted and I felt like a mutant, that the world was mutated and I was a goner. I went home and layed down, waiting for the inevitable. It was so real, the weight of it. The powerlessness, the environment on the side of the videos, working with them, against me. I had brought it on myself. Suddenly, i had the power to move. I started stretching, moving, fighting it. And I found myself spinning around in a circle in a strange, false state of glee, smiling like a fiendish clown. And if I kept spinning, I was safe. If I stopped, I felt terrible, started retching, and the weight of the transformation of the videos was upon me again, the doom.
It went on for some time, spinning, and retching. I ran out for help but ended up coming right back. I thought if I was a stronger person I should be able to fight this, to do something about this. Use some magic. But I didn’t. Finally, a message from a female counselor I’d been talking to appeared on my phone. It was over. Like the episode was waiting for that text. And the message was “I own you, you may now rest with the false hope residing in that message, in that phone. But you are mine.”
For several nights woke up still feeling some magic at work, that I was a frozen barbie doll and a black man, created of some black magic was hovering over me. Somehow, my ex girlfriend was woven into the figure of the black man. I was confused if this was childhood trauma, karma, or possession by an entity who knew my thoughts well enough to create something like this. Or a combination of everything. Interestingly enough, after this occurred, my real life sister messaged me and told me that in a dream me and her went back in time as children and beat up the neighbor kid that had sexually abused her. So she was feeling great.
My family had scheduled a trip to Universal Studios in Florida, and for some reason I decided I had to go. It was hell. Oddly, I couldn’t be 100% sure, but the energy from the sissy hypnosis videos seemed to match the energy from my mom. Like this was all some circle of me becoming so helpless I had to come back to her. But I was paranoid and functioning at a low level.
I made it through, started another travel assignment. Only deep down knowing how close to death I was, the sheer levels of stress I was under. Apparently used to functioning that way. I couldn’t take it anymore. I created what I thought was a ritual of banishment, and performed it, burning most of my things. Trashing the rest except a few items. Quit my job, and went home in the beginning of 2019.
Home felt wrong, like I had tried to erase my memory of the crazy travel nursing, and it was too toxic to heal there, or so I thought. I left for another travel assignment in Kansas, where I found a permanent job. I’m here now, living in a state of sheer stress, holding on for dear life. I have a friend out here, and I’ve found a nutritionist and a therapist who I’ve been talking to. Trying to find a way to not be in denial of all this, to find some meaning, to move on. Something fundamentally different needs to change.
That said, I’m still paranoid. My vision is still altered. My sexual attraction artificial. It still feels like there is a code in me that is twisting sounds into turning me into a woman. Like if I fight it, or try and reverse it, that I’m still giving it power, and if I ignore it, it’s working in the background. Trapped. When I lay on my back, it feels like there are weird entities flying out of my solar plexus, coating the room/ceiling, and sometimes it’s doing that as I walk or talk to people. I cover the area up with my hand and it seems to stop. Sometimes I feel I’m speaking in tongues, sweet sounding words with a virus encoded in them, toxic to others and attracting toxicity back to me. (That maybe this post as well!)
Sometimes it still feels like my brain sees a black man attached to me as well. And “woman parts” superimposed over my body. Like I used my mind to Caitlyn Jenner myself. I am paranoid that something is still there, another mind, watching as I think of old memories, trying to find something safe and familiar, and trying to take over my body as I am doing things like breathwork. Even afraid to try psychic self defense techniques like imagine a shield, who is the one imagining? When I try to use my mind to vizualize things, they seem dark, twisted, and distorted. I’m holding on for dear life, not really sleeping, not really awake. Living in fear, feeling weak and fragile, and the false hope of it all going away. And the stress of the hospital is insane, along with the psychic craziness there. I feel like a shell of my former self.
I also wonder if this is a “family demon.” My dad had a traumatic brain injury when he was younger, untreated, jumped right back into life trying to pick up where he left off. Sometimes I swore I knew he was struggling with something trying to take him over during the night. My sister also married a man much like my father, and told me in secret one day that he had become an “entity” one night that spoke in a different voice, and raped her.
Something tells me I need to deal with this alone. That there is something I’m missing. That I haven’t dug deep enough. That I am weak and running from my true strength. Like in Harry Potter, when he doesn’t tell Dumbledore he hears voices. Like maybe I’m screwing myself over with this, and what I need to do is find the chamber of secrets. And then I think, maybe that’s not true and it’s a distorted story I’m telling myself. So here I am, reaching out. I’ve been asking for guidance. I may be too overwhelmed, too overloaded to hear or see the signs. I wonder if I have learned mistakenly that trauma is love, and cannot receive beyond it anymore at this point. I know what I was seeking was acceptance of myself all along, and yet I still traveled this insane road.
I feel pretty detached, it’s too insane to really feel at this point. If anyone made it through all that, thank you.
Help please!
