Im in a really bad way guys. Please help

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#1

Ok so, I don’t actually know where to begin with this. I’ve been suffering with extreme depression and anxiety for the last 10 years and I don’t know what triggered it but it’s like there is a gaping hole inside of me. I feel lonely when I’m alone and even lonelier when I’m with people.

I’ve been listening to a fairly consistent play list for the last couple months which looks something like this.
energy/aura clearing
exorcism rite
SLR
confidence
become whole
anxiety removal
depression relief
brain refresher
outlook retrainer
positive power waves
gynecomastia

I then have another playlist which usually consists of something like -
Energy blockage removal
mana circuits
jing
chi
shen
transmutation microcosmic
golden elixir
ojas

Then at night I usually play reiki/muscle massage and deep sleep inducer

I find some days the fields work fine and have the desired effect although I still feel the hole in me but its more manageable. But then on other days (probably more than half) I just feel absolutely crushed. I had to cancel my work shift tonight because I feel so emotionally pent up, like I’m going to explode with anger, sadness, frustration… due to this depression which feels like it’s just stuck inside me and won’t leave me alone.

I have a regular exercise routine, I play tennis regularly, I eat healthy for the most part. I just don’t understand what I’m doing wrong. I used to feel so much more confident and wholesome before all this started.

I’ve experimented with some other fields purely because I don’t know the actual route of my problem is and still trying to figure it out. Other ones I’ve experimented with -
self respect
charisma and glamour
the star
parental love
five elements balanced
internal alchemical crucible
amygdala
willpower
childlike wonder
regain your innocence
memories of joy
dopamine redux
brain regeneration
emotional release
hope and happiness
stop procrastinating

That’s it guys, I feel like I’m doing what I’m supposed to and just not really getting anywhere. I haven’t got the money for soul restoration core but thought that may help. I don’t know…

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#2

Possibly there is entity involvement?

I am sorry to hear about your depression. PM me and I can try to help by sending servitors.

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#3

I had depression and I got through it without any of sapien’s works back then. I did so by just stop giving a f, and living like nothing matters- in the sense that I just do whatever I want and don’t really care about any of society or my surroundings expectations. Pick up whatever you feel like at any moment. Don’t do anything that brings u pain. No buts. If you were to ever reach the point of thinking about doing “it” then there’s no point to anything anyways, so just do wtv and live in the moment. It’ll get easier then.

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#4

It’s fine that this is your attitude about your experience, but when you re-read your post, you might notice that this attitude about your experience isn’t really an accurate description of your experience.

For example,

Isn’t that progress? Aren’t these changes?

Especially since you’ve only really been playing this version of your playlist for a little more than 2 weeks.

As I recall your posts (and please correct me if I’m mistaken) you’ve been rearranging the fields on your playlist over a short period of time, without a lot of consistency. In fact, as I’m remembering it, the last conversation we had about your list was framed in terms of you wanting to stop your playlist.

And that’s fine, but it seems to me that you have some expectations which aren’t serving you.

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#5

That is also one of my biggest problems - caring about what other people think. Man, its so debilitating. Like when I’m in the gym, I always think there is people watching me, it’s almost like paranoia, and I pretty much never used to suffer with this before 10 years ago, that’s what I don’t understand tbh, how I can go from not caring to what people think to caring so much its just unreal. What was it exactly that you did that made you stop caring? Cause its something I just cannot seem to do

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#6

Yes but they only feel temporary, then the next day I’m back to feeling awful. My mood swings are insane

Well actually, a few of the tracks in the list have been there from the start, namely - SLR, confidence, become whole, positive power waves and ojas. I’ve been listening to SLR, confidence and become whole for the longest but I definitely do not feel whole yet. That’s not a complaint, I truly believe in the power of these fields and I feel the effects when I listen (most of the time) but I do not feel any permanent changes which is obviously what I’m seeking

#7

It’s fine that you think that. Just know that they’re not. And then remind yourself that they’re not.

And then later on, dismantle whatever stories you have about the consequences to you if they were watching you. Because even if they were to be watching you (they’re not, but even if they were) what’s the big deal about that? And then talk yourself out of whatever your big deal is.

And this is where some professional guidance can help you to learn this skill I’m describing.

Start to care more about what you think about you and practice that until what you think about you (in a good way) is more important to you than what a bunch of strangers who don’t even know you might think.

Because you really don’t know what any of them are thinking. Those are just thoughts in your head. And since you’re the thinker of your thoughts, you have the ability to reach for thoughts for you to think which free you up, empower you and create better-feeling emotions for yourself than the old habits that you had been used to practicing for yourself.

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#8

All of life is “temporary.” I say this kindly: Find a more helpful parameter to assess your experience.

Let me summarize all that I’m posting here. And I say this kindly to you, too: You have a lot of room to find ways to become a better friend to yourself: to find more empowering thoughts and perspectives than your old ways, to telling stories which open up possibilities for yourself rather than shutting yourself and your possibilities down. And sometimes, we can benefit from an outside guide to help us explore how we can do that for ourselves.

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#9

Hi have you tried some higher self connection fields? Higher self experience? And perhaps depths of your soul?

Would it be ok if you incorporated them into your stack?

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#10

This is really great advice. I have heard this before. People are more worried about what you think of them than what they think of you, I just find it VERY difficult. It’s like my mind is constantly attacking me, which makes me wonder if I am being attacked by entities or something. Often it feels like some of the thoughts that enter my head are not my own. I understand exactly what you are saying I just cannot seem to apply it. I should point out that I am very sensitive and have been told I’m an empath. Maybe empathic shielding would help? And repel negative energy?

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#11

Yes I understand, life cannot be bliss and miracles everyday, i just wish my moods were a little more consistent. They are so god damn erratic! My ex girlfriend used to say the same thing, that I’m on top of the world one day, then the complete opposite the next day. its jarring. Maybe I have bi polar depression? I can be in a good mood in the morning then something will trigger me and then by the evening I’m having suicidal thoughts. I understand the ups and downs of life, we live in a dualistic world but I’m all over the place

#12

Have considered these fields actually. thanks for pointing them out. I do think they could be a great addition. Just might have to remove a couple of the other fields because my list is very long.

#13

Have you ever watched a baby learning how to walk? If you have, you’ll remember how they somehow hoist themselves upright. Then they find a wobbly balance that they can sustain. Then they start to play with their newfound muscle coordination systems, whilst sustaining their wobbly balance, to move, first, one foot and then, maybe, the other. In the early stages of this learning process, they usually don’t get past that first step.

Is that “temporary”? Do the grownups around the baby view that one, single step as “temporary”? Or is that one, single step an excuse for celebration…and phone calls and pics and maybe movies and possibly FB and IG posts?

Not one parent I have ever seen (and, sadly, I’ve seen some heinous parents) have ever stood over that child, who’s fallen to their rump after taking their “temporary” step and shouted at the baby, “Get up, you little dummy!”

Can we agree that that would not be a productive thing for anyone to do? (Please say “Yes.”)

So, why do you insist on doing this to you? (Isn’t that interesting?)

I don’t say this to be blameful, but this is one of the ways you depress yourself. Again, I’m not blaming you. I’m inviting you to become curious about your habits (some of which you’ve described here in this thread), with an eye towards how you can become kinder to yourself and to the progress you are accomplishing.

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#14

Of course, you do. Because you’ve practiced doing something else. And that’s all right.

But just because you’d once practiced doing something else doesn’t mean you can’t start to play with and to explore something new (perhaps like what I’d suggested?) for you to practice instead.

I just used the example of a baby learning how to walk. Just because the baby had only crawled before in their life didn’t mean that the baby couldn’t walk. It was just something that the baby had to learn and then practice enough for it to become easier than the crawling they had once done. (How easy is it for you to crawl now?)

This is true of every skill we have.

And the baby did all that learning and all that practicing without being taught, because the baby didn’t have words yet. Now you have words. Now someone, who is more experienced, can help you to learn.

ETA: And, IIRC, you didn’t always have your old habits of thought and focus. You practiced them into the easy skill you now have with them.

But here’s the thing: that practice, back then, felt bad every step of that way. What I’m suggesting will feel like relief each time you do it. In fact, that relief you feel is your sign that you are successfully doing what I’m suggesting. This means that you will feel relief every step towards your mastery of this thing you already know how to do (from what I remember from your posts).

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#15

If I had to choose a field I would try Point of No Return.
But go to see a therapist and a Pyschiatric too.

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#16

So just to be clear, what it is you’re suggesting - affirmations to myself, positive self talk? i.e. saying things to myself like “no one is watching me” or “it doesn’t matter what people think of me. What’s more important is how I think about myself”. Those might be some bad examples. I guess I find it weird having to talk to myself in my own head, not to mention it can be exhausting when you constantly have thoughts running through your head all day only then to have to talk to yourself even more. And it also goes against teachings of people like Eckhart Tolle who suggest to just observe etc.

I am more than willing to try though.

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#17

Actually, the beginning of my stack pretty much is PONR (unpaid). I am also speaking to a therapist on a weekly/bi weekly basis.

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#18

Maybe you need to get prescribed medication (antidepressives) for some time.
Or Maybe you can play the antidepression field but for a really long time, not just two or three times a day.
For instance antidepressives work the whole day, they are in the blood.

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#19

I’ve suggested a number of different things in my posts here. Which one(s) would you like me to clarify?

I’m not a big fan of the way affirmations are usually taught. You give an excellent example of why this usual way doesn’t work. What’s your reaction to the statement that you offered here?

If I were a betting man, I’d bet that you immediately rejected it. Now, that’s actually great because, in your (alleged) rejection, you had a whole bunch of plausible (to you) reasons for your rejection. So, you can start to talk yourself out of those reasons.

Nah, that’s not it. Because you’re talking to yourself in your own head all the time.

For example, just pay attention to what’s going on in your own head when you’re at the gym noticing people watching you. If you weren’t talking to yourself in your own head about why their watching you was so bad, you wouldn’t have this problem.

You’re talking to yourself in your own head about your experience with your playlist. And with the other situations you’ve mentioned here (and elsewhere).

You have only to do what people like Eckhart Tolle teach and observe that you are talking to yourself in your own head the whole time. It’s just that the talking that you’re presently doing in your own head is toxic and depressing to you.

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#20

:point_down:

You suggest to find more empowering thoughts, so doesn’t that require me to start talking to myself positively to create those new thoughts? I must’ve misunderstood you.

Spot on. That’s exactly what happens i.e. I’m at the gym and worrying about what other people are thinking of me, so I say something to myself in my head such as “don’t worry, they’re not watching you, they’re more worried about themselves” and it feels unnatural and I reject it just like you said. So, what is the practice to rewire my brain to more positive, empowering thoughts?