This review will serve to describe my development in different areas of life. It is important to mention that after the initial review, I had to face the sour reality of the aftermath of grandpa’s death. By the aftermath, I am talking about external things like outer family trying to squeeze grandma’s money that grandpa has been saving up for years, trickery/ manipulation on every corner (even from brother and sister that are 30, children of my uncle), dark truths about my grandpa coming to light, recognizing root of mum’s negative patterns towards me, completely stem from the way grandma treated her in the past and it only grew worse towards the present moment.
Pain, death, seeing the ugliness of humanity, it is all a part of why we came to this Earth, because, it is through experiencing adversity that we are forced to grow. This mindset of being more open/willing to learn from every little thing, will be/was a running theme throughout the rest of the days following up to this review.
I have wrapped different sections in the spoiler tags for the sake of keeping the review “easy on the eyes”, while giving readers a choice to read only those sections that they feel drawn to. Section with dad is an exception as many members here seek ways to help their parents and make them more accepting of fields.
Productivity
Summary
As I was spending a lot of my days at grandma’s place with uncle and mum, supporting them in whatever way I could, I would realize that no matter which fields I use etc. I would be drained once I came home. They didn’t put pressure on me to show up, but I knew it is important that I do even at the cost of my studying performance.
This was non-acceptable as a really important exam (will talk about it) was getting closer and closer. Upon meditating with MO for specific purpose of maturing through the present challenging circumstances, a new line of thinking became natural to me:
I can keep feeling sorry for myself that the toughest exam yet is closing in while I “have” to deal with this like my life wasn’t challenging enough already, or I can start heavily micro managing my time like AI, change my daily routine completely and remove activities(especially pleasurable ones) that aren’t necessary for the time being.
I managed to change my habits/daily routine completely and through it all realized that I can be a responsible version of myself unlike anyone or myself could ever imagine.
Ever after passing that exam like a pro I am still productive and being mindful I don’t waste time unnecessarily/procrastinate. Yeah, now I do give myself a luxury of watching anime etc. but I see it as me choosing to be a bit gentler to myself when circumstances allow it.
Learning/passing one of toughest exams on my faculty
Summary
It is important to mention I am someone who extremely struggles with memorizing vast amounts of “dry” information that in the case of this subject, had 50+ different categorizations/groupings, where one grouping usually branches into different groupings, with each individual grouping having their own attributes/elements that need to be memorized. The tricky thing is some elements/attributes of different groupings/categorizations can seem similar or be completely same so it is difficult to not mix them up.
Add to this that I didn’t attend classes, nor did I attend 2 preliminary tests that serve to separate subject in 2 parts so that students get the chance to score points before final exam, while having to only know first or second part of the whole subject. This makes passing it a bit easier, not to mention that you get higher than minimum passing grade, while not having to “nail” it on final oral exam.
Before MO, I didn’t believe I could ever pass it, which is why I left it hanging for the last 2 years, focusing on other subjects.
It is hard to describe how it practically boosted my studying endeavor, but basically:
-It made me always try to look for interconnectedness of things and spend most of the time on “conceptually” understanding the material, rather than how I would usually treat this kind of subject. Without realizing it at the time, I would express curiosity for understanding x terms and not obsessively check the watch to see how much time I “wasted” trying to understand and learn one term.
Almost every day I would become aware of " yet another puzzle piece I am missing" to have better and broader understanding of the subject or one small part of it, then work on it diligently like blacksmith.
Yes, it was frustrating and kind of depressing at first, to know how much you don’t know, but it didn’t last long. In the span of 2 days (I remember vividly) big part of what used to be my “weak point”, just clicked and I started to perceive this “refinement of what I thought I already remember/memorized” as “development of true mastery over the subject” .
The mindset that spawned from this and stayed with me until this day:
If I was able to truly understand what otherwise seemed so unreachable for me, what else can I learn by committing to it? Where is the limit to what I can "wrap my mind around"?
2 days before the exam, my city started being hit by big heatwaves. Some folks know what I am talking about when the temperature at 2 am is almost 24 Celsius and no AC unit in the apartment.
I am warm blooded naturally so during the winter it is normal for me to be in T-Shirts or just hoodie while people are wearing a jacket. I sweat noticeably more than an average person during the summer, it comes from the dad’s side.
This affected my sleep majorly, my cognitive abilities declined, but I lost no faith as the inner voice was saying:
"You are ready, you know you are, no need to be perfectionist as usual, just go out there, don’t forget to breathe and show them how its done."
I woke up at 5:30 am cuz of heat and probably nerves, whereas exam started at 9am.
To fast forward, imagine a guy sitting in front row (because I wanted to be examined first), swinging notepad to cool sweaty face, hand tissues on desk for the purposes of blowing nose and wiping sweat off face and a bottle of water because hydration. A weirdo compared to the rest who were younger generation that normally attended, got tested as well and now are taking the final exam.
I saw her body language when she was questioning 2 girls before me who were example of “by the book” perfect students, but they lacked one ingredient:
True/conceptual understanding of the subject. I caught them a lot of times just citing/quoting what is written, it was like I am listening to an audiobook of already written material. They would say things as they were written in the book/script from start to finish.
Professor told me beforehand I will be questioned integrally because I lack any pre-exam points.
What happened next could be best described as raw, unadulterated, flow state.
She would ask a question, where without taking even a second I would start “executing” as if I took a Limitless pill, taking a break only when I would go out of breath completely. At times she herself would say, SLOW DOWN IT IS OKAY TAKE A BREATHER.
It was a profound experience, like a trance state where I am passively observing myself talking, connecting one question with different questions that she never asked, then bridging them all together coherently in my oral examination, leaving her at loss for words, but her body language showed all that I needed to know.
After she said: “That will be enough, I have heard all that I needed from you”, I started packing my things and caught glimpses of other students eyeing me like an alien. If I had one regret, it would be that I didn’t pay attention to the rest of the students reactions to my examination once it finished (there were just 20 of us in total).
Regardless, I treat this as Universe warning me to not feed my Ego too much and keeping myself humble.
I hope to eventually find time to write my brain-stack playlist with explanations for this subject, brain fields used are already available on patreon/youtube.
Re - kindling/fixing friendship with a close friend
Summary
MO pushed me to re-asses my relationships with people, what are the ones aligned with my highest good, which ones are “just there” and which absolutely must be cut off.
This came as the consequence of Productivity part of the testimonial, if I am to spend more time on myself and my own things, socializing is bound to be reduced one way or the other.
Interesting part to mention is that at this time, I recalled what this close friend mentioned to me(month ago) that he doesn’t get a sense of me being “really present and invested” when we spend time with each other. It was one short sentence he said nonchalantly when we were out, but it came to me a month later as a yellow card that pointed to much bigger issue.
Logistically speaking, I found out the reasons, not to go too much into the details.
One major reason for this issue on my side was because he always tends to speak without any emotion (He is a programmer ofc), even when he is talking about his feelings and things he cares for, so I subconsciously started seeing him as “less human”.
It was easy to fix other aspects of myself that I saw as lacking such as cultivating Love, scheduling us to meet on weekends cuz then we can hang out during the day instead of the usual night time ( we always go for a long walk and these at night are too relaxing for me as it is close to the end of the day).
Only missing link that became apparent to me few hours after realizing this is a big issue, is that “as cold as he can be and successful in his life” he is only human just like me and everyone else.
I doubt this would have come to my mind or come so soon, if it weren’t for meditating with MO on this specific issue.
Needless to say, next time we met we had a blast and a lot of fun and I am grateful for our friendship being at an all time high finally.
Relationship with dad has improved
This came as indirect side effect of working with MO, I am being more appreciative of his repetitive “dumb” patterns of behavior that have been getting on my nerves for years. I have been trying to get him to use fields for more than 2 years and finally realized that the only way to “make” him use them, is if we do it together.
So now, when I feel it is a good moment and he is free, I suggest that it is “chill” time, end result being us meditating together (him just laying on bed and chilling while I meditate sitting in all seriousness close to him ) to x field that is playing.
I won’t go into further details but we are now closer than ever, it might be only because of “work from my side of things”, but it is worth it one million percent!
Overcoming the “need” for drugs or alcohol
Summary
I have been on this forum for more than 2 years and a lot of folks know about my love for weed. If I take a look at my weed consumption since last july, I would say it was at minimum 2-3 times a week, with the use drastically increasing from the beginning of this year, with no reduction being in sight.
Now I can’t say that I meditated with MO or asked it to help me overcome the need for weed, but I can say that I just noticed when it was 7 days since I smoked last time and that for the first time in a long long time, I felt no urge to try getting some.
We all know what comes next, fellow stoners reaching out asking if I want to chill and smoke with them, even some people who I haven’t heard from in a long time, refusing it all without any dilemma.
“Final test” came in the format of close friend returning from his trip abroad, offering high quality skank which is otherwise unavailable in our country (also weed is illegal).
This was the only moment where I actively “weighed” my options in a form of Pros and Cons, since I never tried skank.
It was one of those moments where you reflect on the recent past, what you accomplished since being sober, is it all worth it refusing this one-time opportunity to “try the top shelf stuff”. I politely refused friend’s offer.
Nothing “magickal” or profound happened on that day, except me feeling my body, brain and mind are thankful for the decision.
This was offered after I passed the mentioned exam, so temptation was even higher.
I would say the pinnacle of me proving to myself I don’t need the stuff was going to hardcore rave completely sober and enjoying my time there. Mind you, this was my first rave in months, as I prioritized other things in life, some of which were mentioned above.
Yes, I was a bit anxious and thoughts at times didn’t want to stop clouding my mind, yes I felt awkward at times when conversing with people who are at least mildly drunk, yes, I was aware of the fact I can’t stay in relaxed state for the entire duration of the rave. But all of this made me appreciate the event for what it is at its core.
This rave event was organised by OG ravers I met last January, (feels like years passed since then) for the purposes of charity work. All the collected money would be donated. Interestingly, 10 days after it was announced, different rave event was announced to be held on same day, on a “more exotic” location in the city, having “well known DJs”. This rave was organised for the pure sake of capitalism.
The funny thing is, when comparing scenery from 2 raves happening at same time, charity-based one looked way less fancy and the people there were “more on the wild side”, whereas the “fancy” rave if judged from IG stories, was more about “showing up and looking your best”.
Finally, the official count of people who attended charity rave was 154, however, they stopped charging for the entry after 00:45am, so they stopped counting after that.
The fancy rave had 3 times the amount of people that attended charity rave, our rave would be judged as “filled with junkies” compared to fancy dressed folks at commercial rave. There are a lot of other interesting and paradoxical realizations I had at the event, but I digress.
