Your posts have brought me some comfort today. I’m going through something very similar right now…some heavy internal changes. Been listening to many (to put it lightly) spiritual fields (a mix) for some time, and BOL , and feeling i have no other choice anymore but to take silence or meditative time with myself…or immerse in yoga (it’s become imperative, or “reflexive” maybe?) as a release to the conflicting nature this state of mind -or maybe stark contrast-it can essentially have against the backdrop of the rest of the world/society. I usually try evading this meditative space for a plethora of reasons Im sure, but feel compelled to it as of late because of the massive amount of existential (the word I want to use?) change within…like I now REQUIRE spiritual work, some time with it everyday whether I plan it in or not. In fact, I almost “break” into it if I find myself resisting…my soul says “nope”, And I will legitimately start spacing out in my daily life if I don’t take time to be in this space. This almost “emptiness”…to be in that void. Apologies for the vernacular, i struggle putting words around a lot of this. These changes. These topics.
Yes, I love this phrase/terminology —“neutrality” phase / level . However you want to put it. This is exactly where Ive been (I feel) most of the time. And I think it’s been confusing for me…like I don’t know how to wrap my mind around my “existence”…in relation to the reality I have to contend with…the events/friends/family or social formalities…it’s that feeling of ego dissolution…almost entirely. I feel less of a need to “react” or “emote”? Just experience? But obviously still bouncing to fro. I can get frustrated with the neutrality sometimes…like “can I trust this”? Can I make decisions here? Which I know was touched on a bit in this thread (but can’t @mention because at this moment, forget the name) but this is the reason I believe I’m called to meditate lol . Sometimes the neutrality touches the stress of living in this society (maybe?) and it causes this massive disruption or dissonance in my mind, and MASSIVE brain fog.