Relationships, cheating and trust

The Social Lounge
#1

Hello guys, this has been on my mind for a while and I have had difficulties dealing with it alone would love some advice and discussions around this so I can hear some perspectives.

Unfortunately I did not have a very healthy relationship example growing up because of my broken family. And due to my low confidence I struggled with women which got me into pickup/redpill and other such personal development content. I had a journey through this and fortunately or unfortunately had really good results and saw a lot. Now unfortunately these experiences and mindsets have left me massively jaded and it’s starting to impact my mental health because I cannot find a solution to it.

To give a bit of a background I have always believed in love, soulmates, the perfect person and infact this is one of my biggest life goals, to find my person and experience life with them. I know that love is the most beautiful emotion that makes life worth living and I have seen myself and I feel like my best version is when I love someone and want to be there for them ( I have worked on self love a lot, and whilst I am not perfect I personally believe I am healthy enough to the point where that is not an issue).

However due to whatever I have experienced, learnt, seen, heard of and basically been exposed to in terms of relationships leaves me with having little to no faith in them. I know everything that is available out there, all the resources and powers people have to get with the people they want to and how easy it is. I also know about polyamory which is the primary driving factor for males and hypergamy which is the primary driving factor for women.

I have been in situations where I had to turn down sex but every time I did so it felt like I was letting down my bloodline and it left me feeling horrible, even if I was not particularly attracted to the person, the fact that I turned down sex was something my mind and body cannot process. However I have done it in the past and know I am capable of doing it, no matter how discomfortable, but I can only control myself, and whilst it might be possible to control ones partner, its not something I want to do. Nor do I want to feel like I constantly have to watch over my partner or have them live life lesser or only with me around just because I cannot trust them. I want to experience unconditional love without fear and experience the true potential of relationships but a part of me believes humans are too selfish to even be capable of love.

Even the idea of hypergamy and the idea that I can never be enough is extremely scary, because even if I constantly push myself to my limits, its unrealistic to expect myself to be the best in all areas forever, and because I have been hyper exposed to hypergamy it has become a core belief that the second theres a better option my partner will take it.

In todays day and age with a hyper abundance of options and the ability to cheat so easily without getting caught makes the risk massively low for anyone even considering it, even if its just to experience some variety, which is another thought that keeps playing through my head.

And we all know for a fact how important sex is, and then comes the idea of compatibility and whether a single person can even satisfy all your needs or not. And if not then what is the solution.

Now I know that once such a situation arises in my relationship I will be able to walk away, but I fear the pain will be too much to bear, and coming from such a place of fear is not healthy, and can make me do things that I might regret. I do not want to be possessive or controlling but as of now it seems like my only option of out 2, the other being that just accept that you will be cheated upon or cheat at some point and develop a super nihilistic view of relationships in general.

Infact it has gotten so bad that I have actively been self sabotaging good potential partners because I am so afraid of this and even shows like “sex/life” which explore this topic trigger me massively, infact any exposure to this idea at all whether it be an open lifestyle or any other forms of cheating. I used to read reddit posts about cheating experiences and I got stuck in this loop for a few months and it was one of my most depressing times ever, I could feel the pain to the point that I could feel it physically but I kept going back to it until I was finally able to cut it out.

I am sorry if this is a bit too heavy for the social lounge, and I do want to mention that I am working with professionals to deal with this area of my life. However I do look upto this community and know that a lot of you have a lot of life experience, maturity and powers that I have not unlocked yet. At the very least you might have a different perspective to mine and sharing this might just give me a bit of hope, or reinforce my beliefs any of it is ok. I am just trying to figure out if what I believe is true, and if not what is the truth. If nothing else even mentioning some audios or other resources like books videos courses etc that can help me work through this is enough and I thank each one of you for taking the time to read this long post and your contributions.

P.S. if this goes against the forum rules then please lock it but if not I would love to spark this discussion and see what others think and if anyone else can relate to this. I do request everyone participating to not attack others and be mindful of the forum rules. I also apologise if some of my thoughts come across as attacking, especially to the female gender. I might be wrong with these beliefs but I want to work on them, so please show me some empathy and try to respond to me with some kindness and by offering your perspectives you are helping me reframe mine which might change my life and also impact others who read this post.

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#2

You need to practice getting out of your thoughts and being more in your heart. Your mind has been keeping you in loops while your heart already knows the answer to all of your questions and worries.

If I were you I would begin with meditational practices. Finish each and every by visualizing a smiling face in the heart area for a few minutes every day. There are fields that can support you greatly: Ego dissolution, the silent mind, Kwan Yin’s healing chalice of the heart, I could go on and I’m sure it’s not hard to figure out what can support you in going into this direction if you choose so.

Best of luck!! I really enjoyed reading through your post and appreciate your vulnerability :slight_smile:

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#3

Thank you for sharing this audio. It seems to cover a lot of what I am looking for.

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#4

For thousands, probably tens of thousands, civilizations who had never met all have had strict laws on mating and reproductions. Right next to murderers should get the death penalty and thief should go to jail, “The Man must provide for and protect his family”, “A wife must perform her marital duty”. Emphasis on the concept of marital duty. Some civilization went as far a foot binding, genital mutilations. Shaming single people, pressuring young couple to get married and have children. Pretty much all widespread civilization push for unions until death. You had to VOW in font of your family, friends, town folks, your soon to be in-laws to never break that union until death, with literal witnesses.

All around the world, societies felt that need to organize their entire societies on unbreakable bonds. Parents would arrange marriages, clans would get involved. Families would vet partners. They would have to meet and impress the family of their future partners, gifts. In front of god, the universe and the king or government. The Leader of the community or Mayor would be ambassador and witness.

To not follow that path of union would be shameful at best.
Asians, Middle-easteners, Europeans, Native tribesman.
Why would societies need all that ?
None of them were talking about love. Surprisingly, there was little mention of love.

In barely 70 years, we made marriage optional, decided it was to be based on love. And it took barely 2 generations for birthrates to go to instinction levels. They literally have to import millions of migrants to keep the economy and societies from collapsing. Not even close to the level of replacement.

Think about those tens of thousands of years of healthy population growth despite famines, wars, plagues. Think about the quasi-universality of these strict unions between a man and a woman, that was enforced by the state or monarch.

It sure seems to me that people who believe in soulmates are always looking for their soulmates and not currently with their soulmates.

Let’s keep in mind that beauty, attraction is barely subjective. By and far people from across religions, ethnicity will almost unanimously agree to what makes someone attractive. Rarely people find HIV ridden, flat broke retarded obese to be their soulmates. Somehow few people imagine their soulmates to be amputees with Alzheimer, does that mean those people don’t have soulmates ?

Not everyone fits everyone’s soulmates ranking top.
I’ve heard of soulmates being soul companions, not necessarily lovers. People with whom you would share past life experiences.

You yourself mentioned that your own experience is far from aligning with the soulmates idea. Somewhere in a foreign land there is a soulmate couple. Is that what you’ll base your life decision on ?

Think about it, 8 billion people, only 1 person meets your soulmate status ? I mean, humans are mostly similar in all things, the bell curve. That’s unrealistic to begin with.

But let’s say you find someone that fits your bill, 1/8,000,000,000 that’s 0.0000000125.
Now you fitting the bill of that person is 1/8,000,000,000 x 1/8,000,000,000= 1/64,000,000,000,000,000 that’s 0.0000000000000156.

Even if it’s a man only wanting a woman, it reduces the pool, but we’re still talking 1/17 digits.

If they exist, what are the odds that you will ever meet in time/space ?
That statistic would be brutal.

You can start filtering, remove man, if you want a woman etc. But every criteria is removing people exponentially. Now, your criterions aren’t random, most people find the same things attractive, that creates competition in the mating market. The more people want you, the more selective you become and the more taken they are.

The simple fact that for evolutionary reasons, we all tend to gravitate toward the top few people if allowed, creates competition. Competition doesn’t sound very “Soulmatey”. People have preferences, sure, but that’s on tiny little details, there is more similarity than differences in attractive people.

So, if most of us find the same traits attractive and most people are similar, the few that hit all boxes or close are rare sex symbols, most attractive man or woman tittle holders, they gets fought over. Would those people want to fight over you ?

Let’s say you are not looking for the best of the best, are you settling down or is there some mystical input they give you ? What would that be ? What kind of signals would they transmit you that you would receive, interpret, gain satisfaction from that would make it more worhtwhile than dating the most attractive woman or man possible ? There is a trade off involved. What can they do to make it up ? What kind of sensory organ would they stimulate that others can’t ? What type of mystical energy ?

And if they do have some mystical energy that you would say rivals the most attractive potential mate on earth, how long before others compete for that ? Good enough for you, good enough for others :man_shrugging:

Also, you don’t want to become desensitized to that new stimuli which is what the human body, brain and mind is designed for. So, the odds are not on that side.

Outside of the abstract concept of soulmate and perfect love, is there anything in reality that suggest that it’s true ?

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#5

Interesting thoughts to ponder upon. But this is completely in line with what I believe. But then there’s also a part of me that thinks about love, what do I do about that.

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#6

That would be a LONG answer

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#7

Whenever you are free no rush.

#8

I guess my real question is love vs human nature. Which one wins.

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#9

your imagined abstract concept of romance vs reality ?
You know the answer

Part of growing up is accepting things you would rather not to.

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#10

Fair enough. I agree with this statement. I guess that’s what I have been struggling with for so long. But what is the alternative now. Is there no healthy way of relationships or do we just spend our lives pushing the right buttons so people stay in our lives? No matter how much it hurts them.

#11

Will you do your best to secure a partner that satisfies your needs and preferably vice versa or will you prefer to be single forever ?

Not everyone is suited for the monk life but it can be a rewarding path. If you reject human nature, than spiritual enlightenment all the way is your path. Apparently if you do it right, you won’t reincarnate as an homo Sapien

Or maybe you’ll dedicate your life to some passion and quest of refinement in a field… happiness comes in many shapes and forms

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#12

This is what I have been debating forever. I asked for the truth myself so I cannot cry about it now because it is not what I expected. The truth can set you free but it can also completely destroy you. And no matter how much I try to some level I struggle to play the game.

#13

You know, depression is it’s own thing. It clouds one’s judgement. It’s worth looking into and potentially mitigating.

Then there are such things as contentment, acceptance, piety, moderation. Positive outlook on life. These are skills that can be worked on.

Life quality itself can also be improved. Humans have needs and filling those needs not indulging excessively in one area leads to happiness.

There’s a reason guru don’t drop all the knowledge and wisdom, it’s overwhelming. One needs time to process and mature upward.

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#14

Agreed. Thank you for your perspective. For the first time I could understand everything you communicated haha. Guess the brain fields are really working.

Also thanks for dumbing down your explanations a bit for me, appreciate it.

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#15

For what it’s worth, I’m not the best at communication and failure to explain effectively can be my fault. But hey, good luck on your quest.

Maybe others will join with great tips

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#16

If I may…

  1. Your sources are deceiving and misleading you.

  2. Take time to navigate your personal beliefs vs your traumas vs what others have told you, without Reddit, without redpill/pickup. The blind leading the blind.

What you’re stating is a world of its own, a world crafted originally by hurt people seeking to exploit and gain power.

These kinds of beliefs, while they hurt women, they also hurt men. They prevent you from actually receiving healthy relationships and keep you in a cycle of hurt that perpetuates the notions they are feeding you.

IMO the way out is to do a subconscious deep dive with mindfulness and a steady mental fast, knowing the people you’re receiving info from are best to not be trusted with your relationship wellness and your mental health. Also know the planted or crafted beliefs are not to be trusted either, because they were built over a monument of hurt.

I’d do… you know I was about to suggest fields but I get the sense the Energy Course would be ideal for you and this situation, to break down the walls built to keep you away from health and wellness!

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#17

I agree but the only issue is that it works, and god it works so well that without it you just feel like you are being scammed. I will give you an example to depict this that is applicable to both genders, take a look at toxic relationships, for all the unhealthiness it contains, find me a healthy relationship with the same level of involvement, dedication, obsession, posessiveness, intensity (all factors that are normally viewed as love). Forget equal, find me one with even 10-20% of that level.

And maybe as you rightly said my beliefs are wrong, maybe my whole world view is wrong because this is what I have been taught since childhood and maybe that is why the truth seems so challenging to me, because I am unable to let go of my old beliefs and see the truth.

This is something I have been considering, it’s high time I stop running from the truth and try to face it. If nothing else I can find a middle ground where I do not have to give up on my hopes/ideals but I am also not living in a false reality anymore. I like your suggestion about the course and it seems like a good start, however I would still like to hear your audio suggestions for the future if nothing else.

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#18

Mm… this is definitely a reflection of “armor”, the subconscious found justification for this armor in the fear of being scammed, hurt, or attacked in relationships and love.

That’s the counter statement the mind gives when trying to hold onto perceived safety, “without it I’ll be scammed”.

I knew and cared for someone who I learned fell into the red pill trap in the past. He recognized it was terrible stuff, but years later it still infused his every interaction. It supported fears he was afraid to look at and gave an excuse to not feel his emotions which he feared would overtake him. I wouldn’t be surprised if this is a shared experience with a lot of men who enter that arena. Because he wasn’t willing to look at what was underneath, he kept the same ideas he recognized as terrible and it kept him in a standstill.

That’s the idea!
We find ourselves a healthy relationship. Which only comes from being safe and healthy ourselves, and then knowing how to find a safe and healthy partner to join with. It doesn’t mean every safe and healthy partner will work out, because compatibility is still at play, but a good relationship has understanding, care, ability to communicate respectfully and calmly.

A toxic relationship does not compare. I see toxic relationships as hostage situations for both parties, to share another perspective with you.

Sometimes that happens. It’s hard to consider letting go if you identify with beliefs, though, and that’s where detachment and subconscious belief work steps in. It takes an active choice to not relate with what you think, to be able to change foundational beliefs that are harmful. Having the support of a course to lean on in the process and to teach you how to avoid pitfalls is a good idea.

:ok_hand:t4:

That is a really great mindset!

I’ll still suggest that these audios are for the interim before you take the course. I also think I’ve read that when you’re taking the course it’s pertinent to not add other audios on top of it.

I’ll pull up some audios I think will help when I have another moment to pause here. I’ll update my comment.

Good for you, though :muscle:t4:, good for you.

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#20
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#21

Thank you for sharing your perspectives with such kindness. I really appreciate your intent to help. A lot of what you said seems to make sense and has given me a lot to ponder upon.

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