A journal meant to share my experience and thoughts to whomever it may resonate with. Frankly speaking, I hesitated to proceed with this, but I’ll give it a try.
All my journal entry will showcase vulnerabilities, realizations and gradual improvements. I only hope to elicit a deep desire within you to improve yourself, for the better of you and others.
Entry: October 26, 2023
Gratitude
Prior years of anguish and fear plagued my life everyday. I was homebound due to feeling anxiety and depression, the two biggest culprit of my life. Everyday I tried my best to cope with the day being against me, thinking “what will the next negative outcome be this time?” and this scenario has always replayed physically in my life. Home, work and school, weren’t a safe place for me and I knew I needed something good to happen or at least a miracle to escape from the dark hole that keeps dragging me back in.
It was not until the year 2017, I discovered subliminal and from there, I gained new hope, and learned about the subconscious mind. I felt I discovered a new life with sheer joy and happiness, but it didn’t last too long. Nothing really changed much because I didn’t use the subliminal to my advantage. At the time of usage, I was programmed by society to look this a certain way or trying to get that dopamine of validation, not knowing years later trauma and lack of self love was the reason for my detrimental path. I knew this but I didn’t bother to work on it, I was still heavily programmed to reach society’s standard.
Fast forward 2 years later I discovered sapien, but wasn’t fully on board, I was scrolling through the audios like I was at the store viewing all the amazing toys, not believing this. I was skeptical but as time went on I was on board and entered this forum and was amazed. Reading experienced user’s thread and learning from them. Learning how manifestation works, how the universe works, our soul, etc. It completely changed my life.
Once I fully understood this life was given to me to collect all my lessons and expand my consciousness I looked at life differently for the first time, it was as if someone went deep inside my heart and allowed me to feel something once again that was deeply locked in for a long time. I didn’t hesitate any moment and focused on clearing trauma and loving myself. Learning more about life and learning more about myself.
I am eternally grateful for @Captain_Nemo @SammyG and other forum members for gifting their knowledge in this forum.
This is the first entry or in this case my introduction. I would love to share more but when I feel called to input new entry, I will input it with thoughtfulness.
Entry: December 2, 2023
**Sexual Energy**
After years of porn addiction and succumbing to the desire of pixelated screens to satisfy myself, I have realized years of potential gains have been lost due to no motivation for life in general. My dopamine receptors have been fried to the point, nothing interested me except for the higher stimulus of porn which depleted my sexual energy constantly on a daily basis.
I have been well aware what I am doing was no good to my health, yet there was not much going on with my life. Stay home, work, study, watch entertainment, and repeat. Now the time has come for me to realize sexual energy is what makes a people achieve things on a higher probability scale. The desire to become better.
Get rid of the porn, it does no good to your mind. What do you expect to gain from porn? A temporary pleasure that does nothing but make you psychologically addicted, making you want more and more. Watching porn everyday of your life makes you yearn for higher stimulus, the same scene (stimulus) that gave you pleasure, doesn’t excite you anymore, you want more, something more taboo.
To become greater in development, we must overcome the manipulated desire which confuses us our from natural desire.
Banish the porn. Accumulate the sexual energy and transmute them for the greater good.
Entry: December 18, 2023
Dismantled
I feel as if I am a fraud, what was I evolving for? Should I answer this question honestly or lie to myself to make myself feel better? I suppose if I answered truthfully, I would see the fraud that I am, I am not the person how people perceive me to be, I claim to myself that I can trust myself but I haven’t trusted myself truthfully.
To begin with the premise of what evolution or development I have gone through, means to challenge myself dearly. I have evolved in numerous ways only because I was chasing the things that would make me feel happy. What I mean by ‘happy’ is if I became the embodiment of self love, it is only because I did it out of desire for external reasons. I did it out of desire to hack the manifestation system.
I am truly a fraud, I have not yet displayed contentment within myself, I did it out of desire in hopes of gaining external manifestations to make myself feel happy. I was thinking, once I achieve this possession I would be happy, but not once did I think before that once I gain the possession what’s next? Go for the next one?
I have had conversations with other people and they tell me it’s ok to have lots of desires, to go for things that makes you feel happy, and while I do agree, because it is also part of the human experience to enjoy these things, I am not on board with it fully. I do not want to be attached to things or connect my identity to it, I don’t want to put some or more of my existence on possessions that are temporary.
I know it is ok to have desires but I soley do not want to have desires aided with ego, as a means to feel superior to others, to think to myself, “yeah I’m better than others”. I recognize I am a fraud currently, and I know I have a lot to learn about this world and myself.
Hi. Forgive me for interrupting your Journey 
I feel such sincerity in your questions. You seem pretty sure that the same “I” is the one doing all this. Might I posit the suggestion that in a universe of choices with unlimited permission you may choose whatever you desire. You are on a grand experiment with unlimited resources. Your choice is your choice, regardless of other people’s ideas about it. It seems like the only other thing is how you feel about yourself. Is it necessary to label a decision you made on the course of your journey? You said “I will pursue this avenue to see if it leads to the outcome I desire”. Then, perhaps you discovered that on the way to that desire you changed, you grew. So maybe now that “I” is no longer enamored with the old desire. So what? You’re in charge, so just change directions because it is an option. Who is labeling you? Who feels the need to label and condemn? If there was no punishment for an error, what would be your assessment of your “self”?
We are all on a journey, and from the outside it might look different, but it’s the same inside job. The freedom of the spiritual scientist is that he can choose, experiment and either keep the results or can it and start over - without the need for a moral judgement. I see so much joy in your angst. I feel that you are on a royal road of trial and error, as we all are. Judgement and blame and labels might be part of the old matrix, or a matrix that was never our own. We learn it from others, and so unlearning it may give us another aspect of freedom in our lives. Because your heart is true, you will never misuse the freedom. Thank you for sharing your journey and forgive that I have intruded. Be blessed!
Thank you for your added perspective, I agree with what you wrote. Right now, this is how I may perceive things with myself, but later down the line, how I will perceive things will change again.
I’m always looking forward to learning and changing my framework once again, this applies to others who read this also.
Cheers!
Entry: December 31, 2023
Big Relief
I may consider myself a scumbag at this point, but broke it off with my girlfriend on New Year Eve, I’m such a romantic gentleman lol. Getting to the serious point, when I broke it off I felt relieved, realizing I put a bit too much effort into the relationship without receiving feedback from my lady.
Malleable Ego along with self love fields allowed me to see through a greater lens, I will not settle for less, I will settle for balance. It was a little troubling when I broke it off because then the attachment to her would mean the cord is there and now I must healthily cut the cord.
But new year, new me!
Happy you are feeling more free 
follow your bliss, it will never steer you wrong
Entry: January 6, 2024
Transmutation
I understand the difference between those who retain their sexual energy just for the sake of retaining vs those who retain their sexual energy to transmute them. Before I discovered transmutation, 2-3 years ago I fallen to the propaganda of NoFap forum, thinking if I just retain, life will be easy and my superpowers will come to me. Guess where that led to me? Constant edging, horny, relapsing, becoming a hungry beast, etc. I was like where are my superpowers?
Then 2 years later to present, I understood transmutation is the key to effectively retaining your sexual energy. When I learned about the concepts of Ojas, Tejas, king, chi, meditational transmutation, yoga, etc I was blown away. If we wanna call it superpowers for the sake of easy to understand concept, then superpowers will come when the sexual energy is transmuted otherwise if you are just holding it, just masturbate at this point, no point in feeling stressed all day about not being able to bust a nut.
If you want to sit around all day not utilizing your gifted sexual energy then masturbate at this point, no point in thinking “let me just edge a little to feel some relief”, no just no. Either meditate, exercise, study, do some yoga, etc. Thankfully the process is so much easier thanks to the fields such as Ojas, and microcosmic orbit. I question to the point how people are struggling with semen retention when it effectively transmutes the excess sexual energy.
I’m like full one week into semen retention with no desire for porn nor masturbation because I’m doing better things, and fields have worked so much fast for me. Skin glows, aura is strong, life is good, normal baseline dopamine is in the process of being restored…
My pleasure to evolving.
SEMEN RETENTION IS THE BEST HAPPENED TO ME! my longest streak was 160 days! now im 45+ days and it a bliss! NEVER BUST A NUT AGAIN my friend! we stay strong.
send a lot of love to this BEAUTIFUL GODSEN COMMUNITY! d
Sammy i love you THANKS!!! for all the hard work
Discontinuation of this personal journal of mine.
I feel more connected to my journey when I write in private.