Toby’s journal

toby · January 6, 2024, 4:01pm

i have been listening to fields for around a month now. only in the last couple weeks have they been centred around healing my mental health issues and spiritual health too. I migrated from the subliminal community.

I am a senior high-school student in Australia.

if i take an objective stance, i am a lonely person. I recognise loneliness is a state of mind, and so only recently have i been working on changing my mindset through sapien and pushing my boundaries slowly.

In the meantime the dreadful feeling of not feeling a real connection with another lingered on

i have been friends with a mutual friend, a girl, who i really like. we have talked and called daily for years online but never met since she was a three hour drive.

Today, i met her. I was very anxious beforehand, even though i looped confidence field all night, so i listened oxytocin 2x, all purpose anxiety relief 2x, angelic vibrations once as well as unconditional andrestonal for a added touch of reassurance, but also imprtantly grounded myself in the moment.

My physical tension and anxiety diminished.

Our afternoon together was so beautiful and even as i said goodbye, the joy has only amplified into the night.

about an hour ago in bed in a bnb at 12:45am, i listened to attract love a couple times

just then, an incredibly overwhelming and unfamiliar force of joy struck me, i shed tears of joy. i dont recall ever feeling this way in my life? i am so incredibly grateful for her and that afternoon, and my life in general.

i am seeing her again tomorrow for a movie and a burger.

I have felt so disconnected from other people for so long and so sharing a geniune connection with someone has felt just so incredibly surreal. Not sure if her pheremones are mind controlling me or what but i am utterly enchanted, lol

Rehan · January 6, 2024, 4:33pm

You are doing great man, playing oxytocin before a meet up was a good choice, learn to trust yourself and your abilities, it goes along way.

Looking forward to your journal.

Rosechalice · January 6, 2024, 4:45pm

Thank you for your open heart and for sharing your beautiful realizations and encounter. Keep mindful and be blessed

The Best of Everything to you

anon25490707 · January 6, 2024, 6:19pm

This was sweet to read, you’re very earnest and thoughtful in your writing. I think what you write encapsulates a common experience of our time, this loneliness- even though you’re “surrounded” by people digitally. You aren’t alone. You aren’t the only person experiencing this, but the fact that you’re so young experiencing it makes your account of it more poignant. I think there’s this misconception that if you’re young and in school still, you are less likely to experience that since you’re forced together with more people

You may or may not know it yet but you are exceedingly lucky to have discovered fields at your age. They will be a wonderful support for you as you continue on your journey.

Congratulations on meeting your new friend. And perhaps a belated, welcome to the forum.

Nice2knowU · January 6, 2024, 6:20pm

A touch of beauty

toby · April 5, 2024, 5:55am

3 months later

I haven’t been writing here at all, mainly because the second ‘date’ with the girl was much more emotionally complicated.

We had a good time and everything was perfect at face value but something did not feel right…

I felt as though I was doing something wrong or I said the wrong thing or maybe I was awkward or unattractive. this made me paranoid that she did not like me anymore or was losing interest. This turned out to be completely false and we have been talking consistently ever since.

It became incredibly apparent that my fears and insecurities were my biggest limiting factor and so most of my focus is now dedicated to facing and overcoming them.

My main insecurity was my lack of social connections and, as a concequence, social skills.
I have not had any close friends since primary school and so I have always held the belief this is my fault and I need to try and fit in. It is an awfully lonely feeling to stand on the outskirts of groups and never be welcomed and appreciated. Even now I have no friends that I hang out with. But this is a dangerous mindset to have. the victim mindset.

There is a dangerous rope to walk across when living in such isolation. You can either be overwhelmed by the depths of your shadow or persevere and find your inner gold. Between primary school (2018, I was 13) and the middle of high school (2022, I was 16), social isolation caused a lot of issues in regards to my shadow (the Jungian psychological concept), which meant I was not a healthy person, I’ll leave it at that. Every time I think back to that time, I see parasitical creatures attached to me, thriving off of my suffering and negative impulses.

Luckily for me, I dedicated this time to looking inwards and truly understanding myself. This tight rope led me to Sapien Medicine – the treasure at the end of my suffering

I can honestly say now that my life is getting brighter and more peaceful, even though nothing in my life has actually changed in terms of life circumstances, other than my inner world. I will continue to suffer, I know this, but I am prepared for it now thanks to dream

toby · April 5, 2024, 6:03am

I am 18 years old now. I have the responsibility to grow up and take on responsibility, which requires a stable base to work off of. In the last few days I have realized the value of the antifragile field. To be antifragile is to absorb suffering and actually grow when moving against the grain. This is the ultimate stoic trait, very excited for it, unstoppable willpower too.

At the same time, I don’t want to lose my inner joy and innocence, so I’m listening to all the new mind program fields.

toby · April 5, 2024, 6:07am

while im here, I’ve been thinking about how crazy it’d be if morphic field programming and energy programming and subliminals were fake. IMAGINE. crazy. it isn’t even realistic anymore.

i have scoured reddit and online websites for months to find any evidence against it. there is nothinggg. the biggest counterpoint is there is no true scientific proof, aka there is no controlled, double-blind, randomized trial. This type of shit will NEVER be proved with the current materialist viewpoint. and so, according to my own definition of science, i have managed to intellectually convince myself of the efficacy of sapien, which is like the hardest level of convincing lol

benign_polaris · April 5, 2024, 8:52pm

I feel you, I feel you. There’s advice that I would want to give but it doesn’t need to be given. There’s perspectives I could share but they aren’t needed either.

You are welcome to be here.

toby · April 11, 2024, 2:20am

i just spoke with my History teacher after not going to the last dozen lessons.

i expected her to scold me and be disappointed and so my anxiety swelled. Instead, i was met with an unfamiliar kindness. she asked me how i was and told me she was worried about me. Her patience and genuine interest in my wellbeing shone through. She smiled and seemed so unbothered by my anxious presence.

usually i feel condescension or pity or impatience for my anxious demeanor but this time i felt genuine acceptance

she said nothing out of the ordinary and yet she has almost brought me to tears. Small acts of kindness truly have an impact

toby · June 2, 2024, 1:40am

guys i feel amazing right now

results have been very non linear but in the good moments i feel positivity and happiness that i have not felt since early childhood

i decided (finally) to focus all efforts on healing rather than superficial things that can be done another time

i realise that these superficial desires were an effort to rid myself of the shame and guilt that came from traumatic experiences as a kid

toby · June 2, 2024, 2:13am

something i read on reddit has helped me a lot

it was a long post but essentially he was disconnecting intellectual intelligence from emotional intelligence.

if one is developed, the other does not directly develop with it.

this is why reading endless amounts of self help books does not equate to progress, we are intellectualising our problems. this is activating the logical hemisphere of the brain rather than the emotional right hemisphere.

studies have shown when the hemispheres are disconnected from one another, they act as seperate consciousnesses.

many of us give our intellectual consciousness more attention, neglecting our emotional consciousness

toby · June 17, 2024, 7:39am

i had a good day today

i added revision of innocence back on night stack
i will be adding the beauty and innocence one

attaining innocence sounds like an antidote to low vibe emotions. shame and guilt have such an unconscious grasp over me. these emotions do not serve me anymore. it feels good to take that pressure off