Toby’s journal

[toby]

we fall through time like gravity. life should flow evenly through time in the form of the golden spiral.

we must realise every facet of our life, and return it to balance so as to avoid unconscious disorder. This disorder is the cause of percieved suffering and pain. This process can be seen as the return to the main-stream of the golden spiral. Balance in all inner and outer facets of life will create order, and so our perception of time will be balanced and consistent. This is achieved through absolute presence in the moment and groundedness in our body.

if we allow ourself to fall away from presence to escape our percieved pains and sufferings, we stray from the balance of the golden spiral and so time and our ego become imbalanced (karma).

Our consciousness, as it flows through time, will have temptations that draw it away from this golden spiral. This is percieved as negativity, or inner/outer conflict (one in the same). Balancing the inner realm through positive reconciliation of ones inner consituents will positively influence ones experience of the outer realm, and so their experience of life will be perfectly in-order and their perception of time will move at an even flow.

To balance the inner realm, we must individuate our personality in totality by realising and accepting every aspect of ourself, including the heinous and the revolting. This process will also reveal the karmic dust that has settled since our previous incarnations, which can be delt with, through mantra and other spiritual practices. It can also be delt with through other means (non traditional). However the method, the destination is the same. Some come close to reaching it in their lifetime, others never come close. A smaller percentage (in our age) reach it. We are all capable, in this life or the next;

reunion with god.

(and as an unrelated by-product, a balanced flow of time.)

[toby]

[toby]

[toby]

past night my dreams were intensely symbolic. once i buy that nee memory field i’ll have to come back and review the dreams

one dream i remember more clearly (still hazy) is a short one. i’m not sure who i was but there was two people. first one was in a tree, a noose around his neck but not hanging, the other without a noose. They wrre talking in a setting that looked like a beautiful natural scene but felt etheral for some reason, like the sky was enclosed or something.

the person with the noose begun to struggle and begged for help. despite being right beside him, he said he couldn’t help because he wouldn’t have made it in time. once the person died, a collosal golden, glowing being, like a long serpent, enfolded towards the ground as if he hanging from the roof.

[toby]

The death may symbolise a rebirth, similar to odin. the serpent could be Jörmungandr (had to look that up), which i now discover is a symbol for the ouroborus.

[toby]

i fear i forgot the important dream

it was intensely symbolic. it felt complex in its meaning, so much so i woke up to try and decipher it. i nearly did before falling asleep.

[toby]

@toby

little mouse uttering doubts

im releasing this mouse once and for all, tomorrow. spirethion max is the end all be all for me because life is getting to a point where i need to lock in.

no time for delusion or doubt

[toby]

For a long time i have been quite socially inept, which was a large insecurity. nowadays its just a hastle that i am patiently working on

One thing this has taught me is the hierarchical nature of people’s respect for others. what i mean is, people tend to condescend or belittle, even subtly, those who they perceive as lesser. I’m tempted to blame them for this, but truthfully i know they are not consciously doing this, and it doesn’t always have a harmful effect, so i can forgive and accept. However, on a collective level, this is very harmful to our society, because it indicates a fundamental flaw in our societal values.

We need to restructure our schools and governments but not just through administrative action, but through the education of the humanities. What this does is gives the people the capability to think for themselves so they can truly know what it means to be human. With this knowing, it is very hard to condescend and belittle because an individual’s differences do not make them ‘less-than’.

Our governments create awful issues for the youth that make them mentally ill and compassionless, and attempt to fix the issue by providing a councillor to talk to, or relying on friendly teachers. The issue is incredibly important, and all it is given is a couple councillors? In australia, the government runs this thing called ‘R U OK’ day, where teachers put R U OK on stickers or spray paint it on the ground or walls around the school. thats pretty much it. so lazy… “at least it’s something” mmm, sure, but it is still not good enough.

The issue isn’t just what is missing, it is an issue with structure, with philosophy. kids constantly misbehave in school and are unengaged, they do risky things like drugs and stealing instead of schoolwork because ‘its way more interesting than the meaningless learning’. The ones that are focused on school are not all happy; they suffer from an impossible standard of assessment, not sleeping until 3am and pulling their hair out if they don’t get the last 10% on their test. Even if this is a small minority of students (which it isn’t) it would be a huge issue that needs proper addressing through massive structural reform

there is so much i can’t possibly fit onto a forum thread because it’d turn into a book of regurgitated info i’ve heard mixed in with my own experiences, but in summary, our society is suffering from a crisis in meaning, which has led to rich suffering and a shallow amendment of this suffering. the humanities is the way to learning from our current and past behaviours to break the loop of suffering. we can look through our history and see where each society went wrong and went right and use this knowledge to create a future that is unlike any other.

[toby]

@toby

there is still a little mouse uttering doubts

@toby

im releasing this mouse once and for all, tomorrow

[toby]

it shouldn’t be called shadow work, it should be called realising the self

[kari]

I like this. What book is it from?

[toby]

Man and his symbols

[toby]

i have been using emotional dampener for a few days now alongside spirethion and the shadow self rising audio from self love transcendence, all in a night stack.

experiencing some not-so-nice effects and some strange ones

the weirdest effect is a buzzing, not itching, sensation on my scalp over my frontal lobe. at work it was so obvious that i thought it was head lice rummaging around. thankfully it was not. it is possible it is unrelated. i’ve had similar effects around the back of my left hemisphere with other brain fields

[toby]

i’ve realised in it’s purest conceptual sense the fundemental nature of the senses

experience is fundamental. consciousness is fundemental.

the idea of eating an orange is not it citric and sweetness and its color. it just is rhe experience. theres nothing more to it, otherwise desire or focus creates bias of experience

im not sure what this describes. is this the state of pure awareness? to experience without assigning anything to it. to eat an orange and not call it an orange, or a process, or anything. it isnt just lifting your hand an eating a fruit. it isnt just absorbing the energy of nature into your energy body. it isn’t just any single or group of perspectives. there is no focus on retrospect. a perspective, in pure awareness, should only process the senses. thought is absent and feeling is brought to you without additional analysis or re-interpreting

to describe, to think, is not the experience. you reduce it by thinking or describing. representation is not experience.

thus, i believe enlightenment is a state where representation seizes. bias not present, besides the information which is presented to the sense organs. we make no judgement. we simply be.

and i realise this aligns with buddhism or whatever else. it is also in alignment with iain mcgilchrist. but i realised it, i didnt just hear it from someone and say “yes i understand and respect your opinion”.

so maybe this explains the concept of ascending beyond the body, because our body is biased by the limitations of the sense organs and their capabilities. And even if pur organs became 50000 times more effective, it is still limited and bias because it is all infinite. seeking greater knowledge and experience is never ending, because knowledge is as broad as it is dense.

so maybe it is best to surrender to it all, accept everything, percieved blockades are illusory constructions of the mind. by this i mean the things we long for are not needed. our survival is not even necessary. this is not nihilism, this is a relieving broad perspective.

[toby]

another thing

is a cloud just a collection of many warer molecules at a specific density? Or is it simply ‘a cloud’.

Well, what is ‘a cloud’? a label for a collection of water molecules.

Now, what created the label of a cloud? people did. the concept does not exist outside of humans and never did. as far we know we came up with it. ‘a cloud’ makes sense only within humanity’s subjective system. it means nothing to a crab or a dog

is the concept of ‘a cloud’ a tangible, material thing? well, our collective human consciousness has patterns which give us a collective identity. the idea of ‘the cloud’ resides within this collective consciousness. IN CONTRAST TO THE PURE STATE OF AWARENESS — WHICH IS A BLANK SLATE, HUMANITY HAS FORM, IT HAS IT’S OWN NOVELTY.

[toby]

my brother came home last night, mdma, weed, alcohol and mushrooms in his system.

The first hour was like jazz; almost cohersnt conversation.

It was 12am, i went upstairs to rest. he came in to talk. I learnt a lot from our talk. I learned a lot about myself. i learned a lot about dad and i learned a lot about jack.

i have shunned dad for a while for being a lousy father. It is about time i take a stand and see him as another boy, like me. He may underdeveloped in many ways, but he has maturity in him too. he has glimmers of wisdom

my brother, my dad and i have been so disconnected for so long despite being physically in reach ( other than dar, who works away most of the time).

jack (brother) is my opposite in many ways. They both have a soul.

it is so easy to reduce them down to something less than human