First off, you should consult a worthwhile astrologer to see what’s going on and what you can do about it, someone who is skilled in Vedic/Jyotish.
I remember your posts from months back, and it seems that things have gotten worse for you. I had a similar awakening process.
It seems you may be on a path of liberation, or someone or something is destroying your life because it wasn’t in line with where you want to go, or you had ignored it for so many years that the foundations of the tower began to collapse…
I hope you are not alone. If you don’t have family to lean on, please find some organization you can lean on for grounding and guidance. I don’t know what that could be, and I am leery of many because of the abuse that can take place. However, you need to be somewhere to get some stability, since your health is failing and you’re running out of options. Forums and internet don’t count, this needs to be in person. You say you’re believing in so many different things, but what you’re doing is creating a space within yourself for all of these things to root in you and take over your life. Are you refusing to accept the Truth? If so, the conspiracies and realizations will take on a life of their own, and will continue on forever because you haven’t Realized and accepted the source of all of these things.
You need your feet firmly planted on the ground, otherwise you will drift off.
The hardest part of a spiritual life is balancing these two opposites within you, the growing need for the Spiritual and the realities of the flesh. Focus on the basics. I worry that if you don’t have some kind of money or benefits coming in, that your material situation will get worse and your health will follow.
There are certain “spiritual” topics that have killed quite a few people. I don’t know what you’ve gotten into or what you believe, but putting this stuff away for a while or completely may be worthwhile for you. A basic spiritual practice and work towards your health and financial situation are very important for you, and everything else should be put on hold. My own journey lead me to Lord Jesus Christ, and that’s where I recommend you focus your attention, but I won’t tell you which system to follow or what to believe. But watching your continued backslide over these months is very concerning and I wish to see happier days for you.
I’ll leave you with this: just because we are imprisoned here doesn’t mean we then have to whip ourselves and make the suffering worse or even indulge in the suffering at all. I had no idea about all of the spiritual practices and things like Sapien medicine until 4-5 years after waking up. I let myself get whipped around, hit every tree branch on the way down, and I will tell you now it’s not necessary to torture yourself like that. Maybe your marriage couldn’t be saved, but many other things are preventable. You can have the Realizations without the intense sufferings that tend to go with them, as long as you don’t continue opening yourself to those circumstances. This journey is a negotiation and not a death march. You are indued with Spirit and authority, intrinsically. Don’t let them dissipate you and most importantly extract more suffering from you, because if you allow it they will keep squeezing and squeezing you until there’s nothing left but dust.
