This was my introductory post, and could help anyone who is following through on this journal get to know a little bit about me. I like writing journals, especially since it gives me added accountability, and I dont have to worry too much since my identity is hidden (hopefully, if someone figures out who I am due to my posts, well then rip Anon 
). (Also a warning to anyone who reads this journal, I am a huge fan of tv shows and movies lol. I guess in a way its most of my life lol, which I guess is part of the problem. Anyways, I have noticed that I learn a lot from these forms of media, like a lot, so I will be talking about them, and there might be some spoilers. You have been warned.)
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I guess I just find too much solace in tv shows and movies, there everything seems to work out eventually, no matter how fucked up the situation. Also the fuckedupness somehow makes it more relatable I guess. Coz Iām one of those lol. I guess I have so many things wrong with me, I cannot even begin to explain lol (for example - I have bad cough, and I was craving some outside food, so at late night, coz I also have insomnia lol, I ordered a bunch of food, due to greed, and coz I couldnāt control my temptations, and coz I had to supplement the food, I also got myself some coke, coz otherwise it doesnāt taste that good. It doesnāt really take a rocket scientist to figure out that this is probably not such a good idea, especially when one is sick lol. Long story short I ended up overeating, and got a deadly cough attack due to the coke, I just ended up puking out a lot of my food lol. If you have never puked out from your nose and your mouth at the same time, let me tell u its a horrible experience, and your probably better off without it.) Thatās my story lol. Iām just too messed up lol. My life hasnāt had much bad in it, I have had a few avoidable experiences, but nothing horribly wrong like going to war or something. Yet somehow I seem to have made it my lifeās mission to just keep myself as low as humanly possible. Doing everything I can to self sabotage and make sure I do not get out of my horrible life and its so sad lol. I remember thinking today, that life is just wasting its time giving me so many good things, making so many changes for me, because I am just wasting all of it, and just screwing up everything (even though my team was right there, telling me that I am stronger than I think, and I will see one day why I am getting all of these gifts). I donāt deserve these resources, and they are being wasted on me, there are so many more worthy people who could make so much better use of the resources I have.
I dealt with one of the issues that was causing me a lot of negative emotions (yay, atleast something good), but by dealing with it I noticed that I just blew it out of proportion and caused myself so so much pain lol, when this really really wasnāt required at all. Itās just so normal to keep punishing myself by ending up in horrible situations, which I know I donāt deserve, but somehow I always find myself here.
I was seeing this show called āNever Have I Everā, and its so weird because I could relate so so much to the main character Devi, that I just couldnāt stop watching it. Itās really sad how she manages to ruin everything, due to her absurd rationalisations, and I guess thats what I often do lol. When they introduced the new character Aneessa, she was so perfect, and I found it so unbelievable that she managed to do what she did. This will only make sense if you watch the show, but she was someone who seemed to have all her shit together lol, she seemed so perfect, and I had such a strong desire to embody her character, even though such perfection seems so far out of my reality, all I could relate to was Devi and how I am like her in so many ways lol.
I know that I have the power to change my reality, to fix everything and manifest all my dreams and everything. But the truth is making all these changes takes conscious effort, a lot of it. Disciplined, consistent, conscious effort, and from where Iām beginning, it seems so difficult. For a person that seems to have everything wrong with them, its so hard to even choose what to fix first, that will have the most impact and make everything else easier. I guess I could start with the easiest thing, and build momentum, but I somehow always end up losing momentum that I have created, which sucks, and just makes the next time harder. I was doing a course a few weeks back, to heal myself, and honestly it was going so so so good, literally I was growing so much due to that course, it felt so amazing. But then this thing happened that was, at that time, so difficult to even face, that I ended up getting sick, and lost all my momentum. I literally ended up back where I began, with some lessons and growth no doubt, but I still fell right back to the starting point.
I have shared a lot of negative things today, but this is my starting point. This is my current reality, and by being completely honest about it, I cannot run away from it anymore. Itās all in the open now and I have to face it. By choosing to commit to this journal over here, I am holding myself accountable, to try again, to improve my life. I will for sure have setbacks, fail a lot, thatās how life is lol. But I really hope I can get some support from this community (which I know I will, proof in my 1st post), that will help me keep going. And eventually, somehow, someway, with the most fucked up journey of growth, full of stupid mistakes and an unnecessarily self inflicted difficult journey, somehow I guess I will end up finding my way lol.
I hope everyone who reads my journal will get atleast something from it. Maybe some motivation, maybe some lessons from my experiences, maybe just a bunch of laughs (coz I promise you, my life is nothing less than a sitcom, a really funny one where we have an extremely pathetic main lead lol). I hope you enjoy my story, I donāt know if I will post everyday, but Iāll try to be as active as I can. So just buckle up and enjoy the ride, I promise you its gonna be a long and funny one.
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Over the past few days, I have been dealing with a lot of introspection, really finding out what I want out of life, what my purpose is, trying to make sense of reality, all of it. I had a really bad experience with a Christian preacher, who really scared me, by making the bible god seem like an autocratic bossy leader, who forces you to be good, using fear. Even if you read many of the bibles stories, how Adam, Kain were punished by god, for not obeying his rules. This really built a sense of fear inside me, and caused me to question everything. I had my doubts when the person said that every other religion but Christianity is false, spirituality is false, yoga, meditation, spiritual practises, kulandini awakening and a lot of other stuff is evil in nature, all you should do is surrender to god and obey him without any questions. The reason he seemed so believable at first was because he had great conviction, also he claimed that he was an old practicing magician who got sent to hell and found the truth, and god saved him and so now hes a loyal servant of god.
I did find some truth to whatever he shared, but the idea of using fear, and an autocratic bossy god didnāt sit well with me. After getting out of the initial fear state, and deciding that I will live life on my terms, trust my spiritual team, higher self and the universe, and just do the best I can. Also understanding that a real person would approach these topics with love and forgiveness and acceptance not fear and obedience, I was able to detach from what he said and approach the idea more rationally, and in a way that I could accept it. I even spoke to another person, who was also into Christianity, but he was so much more open to different ideas, and worked with everything that helped him, he also told me that gods punishments/wrath in the bible is more metaphorical than literal, to explain about karma which made a lot more sense to me.
I feel like for a lot of my life, I have always been a seeker, extremely curious, I have been obsessed with truth, and once I realised the value of knowledge, even that. Itās one of my goals, to know everything, and to know the truth, and Iām literally so obsessed with it, that I try really hard to look for it, all over the place, religion and spirituality, occult and magick, mythology, psychology and hypnosis/NLP, (science), esotericism and new age tools, spirits and other realms. Literally everything and everywhere, and all of them seem to have their own versions of the truth so it can get extremely confusing sometimes to know what to believe/follow. I guess thatās the journey, a friend told me, that look for what you resonate with most, everything is the truth, but find where you fit in/belong and work with that area.
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I really resonate with Doctor Strange so much, more and more as I go on my journey, just the idea of being a sorcerer, knowing the truth or atleast some of it, and being able to find out more and more. Having cool powers and being able to protect yourself and fight against the universe. I aspire to be like him, and hopefully I can reach there one day as part of this journey. It seems more and more unlikey knowing the current situation of our world/reality and planet, with climate chage/global warming, and elitist control (freemasonry and other cults), oppression, higher evil forces wanting to destroy us, it seems more and more difficult to break out of this trap, and ascend into becoming really powerful and fulfilling all your dreams, but I have always known to be optimistic/hopeful. Its one of the things that has always kept me going no matter how bad things got for me, and Iām not gonna give up even now. Even if things are bad currently, I am going to keep trying until I can reach where I want to and find out the truth.
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