Over the past few days, I have been dealing with a lot of introspection, really finding out what I want out of life, what my purpose is, trying to make sense of reality, all of it. I had a really bad experience with a Christian preacher, who really scared me, by making the bible god seem like an autocratic bossy leader, who forces you to be good, using fear. Even if you read many of the bibles stories, how Adam, Kain were punished by god, for not obeying his rules. This really built a sense of fear inside me, and caused me to question everything. I had my doubts when the person said that every other religion but Christianity is false, spirituality is false, yoga, meditation, spiritual practises, kulandini awakening and a lot of other stuff is evil in nature, all you should do is surrender to god and obey him without any questions. The reason he seemed so believable at first was because he had great conviction, also he claimed that he was an old practicing magician who got sent to hell and found the truth, and god saved him and so now hes a loyal servant of god.
I did find some truth to whatever he shared, but the idea of using fear, and an autocratic bossy god didnāt sit well with me. After getting out of the initial fear state, and deciding that I will live life on my terms, trust my spiritual team, higher self and the universe, and just do the best I can. Also understanding that a real person would approach these topics with love and forgiveness and acceptance not fear and obedience, I was able to detach from what he said and approach the idea more rationally, and in a way that I could accept it. I even spoke to another person, who was also into Christianity, but he was so much more open to different ideas, and worked with everything that helped him, he also told me that gods punishments/wrath in the bible is more metaphorical than literal, to explain about karma which made a lot more sense to me.
I feel like for a lot of my life, I have always been a seeker, extremely curious, I have been obsessed with truth, and once I realised the value of knowledge, even that. Itās one of my goals, to know everything, and to know the truth, and Iām literally so obsessed with it, that I try really hard to look for it, all over the place, religion and spirituality, occult and magick, mythology, psychology and hypnosis/NLP, (science), esotericism and new age tools, spirits and other realms. Literally everything and everywhere, and all of them seem to have their own versions of the truth so it can get extremely confusing sometimes to know what to believe/follow. I guess thatās the journey, a friend told me, that look for what you resonate with most, everything is the truth, but find where you fit in/belong and work with that area.
). (Also a warning to anyone who reads this journal, I am a huge fan of tv shows and movies lol. I guess in a way its most of my life lol, which I guess is part of the problem. Anyways, I have noticed that I learn a lot from these forms of media, like a lot, so I will be talking about them, and there might be some spoilers. You have been warned.)