Let’s start here, because I think this is the most important piece. There is NO reason to feel ashamed…about doing this; about having the experiences you’re having before, during or after you’re doing this; about being aware of, acknowledging and expressing all this. There is NO reason for you to feel ashamed at all.
“…here I am,” yes, those are powerful words. Once, a teacher told me, “You are where you are and where you are is all right.” I believe that for myself, and I believe that for you, too. “Here I am is where I am and where I am IS all right.”
Might there be aspects of where you are that you’d like to improve? Sure. I think it’s fair to say that’s the case for almost everyone on this forum or else why would we be here, using these fields, right?
So, to the degree that you’re able to let go of any thoughts and beliefs which you’re using to make yourself feel ashamed, I’d say that’s a step to you being more of “yourself.” (Because blaming ourselves for doing the best that we are able to do, given what we know at t his moment in time, is one of the ways we make ourselves “less ourselves,” you see?)
Now, some people may read this phrase–“…you’re using to make yourself feel ashamed…”–as blameful (or “critical”). It’s not. Not at all.It’s simply an acknowlegement that we create our emotions, which means we have the power to create different emotions for ourselves. And it’s an invitation for you to take back your power in this situation where it sounds like you’re feeling somewhat powerless against. (BTW, it’s all right that you feeling however you’re feeling. Just remember that our feelings are not the Truth. Our feelings are simply experiences we create for ourselves, usually with the thoughts, stories and beliefs we tell ourselves about whatever we’re thinking about. So, it’s also all right if you might feel some degree of powerlessness in this situation, but just because you might be feeling some degree of powerlessness, you are NOT powerless. Quite the opposite, in fact.)
Great!
You see, rather than looking at what to do “after a relapse,” if I were in your situation, I’d focus on what to do to reduce and eliminate all the factors which are prompting me to do this thing I’ve decided I’d prefer not to do. This would help you speed up the process a little more as well as help you with the behavior change you’re wanting for yourself. This is where @anon51404939’s questions would be really helpful for you, and you might have recognized some of their questions from your own therapy sessions.
Then, I’m glad you asked. To help on speeding up your therapy process a little more, you can use My personal emotional and mental supporter, which would give you “more therapy sessions” in between your actual therapy sessions. And New Audio Field: Conceptual Realizations would help you procuess and internalize the work that you’re doing in your acutal therapy sessions.
As you uncover (either through answering Teo’s questions, through your own awareness and through your actual therapy sessions) factors which are prompting you to do this behavior you’d prefer not to do, then you can use specific fields to deal with your individual, prompting factors.
I’m not a big fan of using fields “after a relapse” and I strongly recommend that you not do that. Using fields in that way tends to normalize your unwanted behavior. Using fields in this way tends to reduce your unwanted consequences and those unwanted consequences are a helpful ally in your goal towards doing a different behavior. It’s like a friend of mine who is a compulsive eater who has a severe allergy to shellfish, but when there’s a buffet of all-you-eat prawns and crab legs, she goes to town, turning a ghastly red and swelling in the most horrific ways. She continues to cram the allergenic (to her) seafood into her maw with a nonchalant "It’s OK. I have an Epi-Pen. (Don’t be like her, please.)
Turn this around. Rather than take score of how little you’ve been able to last (which is, in effect, taking score of your failures), take score of and celebrate EVERY day that you done your wanted nofap behavior.