4/7/24
I haven’t been getting down on myself per se. But between some random emotional shedding making me PROFOUNDLY sad for several hours, like just sitting in a car and feeling a heavy weight drop from my heart, and other bits of life, planned and unplanned, happening around me - I can safely say I was losing sight of where I’d been. So of course, with a loss of a point of reference, or its significance, it’s harder to gauge how far I’ve come.
Then I finished the meme thread (nothing like a pointless challenge to remind you that you can do hard things, you just choose not to at times).
For those who aren’t in the know, JAAJ is very prominently featured in the meme thread, and for good reason. JAAJ definitely seems to be a perceivable, if still unfathomable, distance further along the path of both ascension and memes than I am xD. I say this because I listen to JAAJ’s self-love stack and do find it quite helpful.
I digress, I finished the meme challenge and I had nothing to do with my copious amounts of free time. Lets examine a thoroughly cleaned-up dramatization of how I worked over this problem, keep in mind I do tend to personify various parts of me, knowing they’re all me, but it makes it easier to converse with them:
I’m bored.
I know, I know you’re bored. Here’s something fun, be less bored.
Nah, not enjoying it because I’m a little sad still.
I know, but we’re literally doing all we can at the moment. There are no more things I know how to do other than sit with it and proceed.
No, there’s something. I don’t remember when or how, but you missed something that would make me less sad.
And this looped ad nauseam. So I thought about JAAJ as I’m working through today’s play through of the Self-Love stack. “Hmmm, JAAJ has a journal, there’s gotta be some stuff in that.” And lo and behold, there was, in fact, some stuff in that:
It’s like 2 posts in and it magnetically attracted this memory:
Gold. I had lost sight of where I started, and how low I was: how malnourished, how close to death from both internal and external threats (while we’ve covered the time period this happened in, I haven’t really touched on the details, lets just say things got really dicey those last 5 years), how truly broken I was.
I HAVE raised my vibration, SIGNIFICANTLY, from where I was. I’m just having unrealistic expectations because I want it to be higher still. And, if I’m brutally honest, I want “the cool shit”.
Well, reality check to myself; being alive from a point of almost not being is the cool shit. Certainly not all of it, but at least a prominently featured aspect. I may still be healing, and yes, that can be discouraging and frustrating because it’s not done, but it’s forward momentum; no matter how uphill.
So, to any who read later, myself included: Maintain a firm grasp on when the journey really started, and how far you’ve come. Don’t measure in distance from the start, that seems like another trap, but how much easier does a single step come now? When was the last time you looked up and lost your ever-loving mind because none of your surroundings looked remotely like what they did the last time you looked up or how you imagined they’d look by now and you feel lost, again, for the billionth time today. Remember how hard you hoped and prayed and willed and manifested for fuck, not even a path, but a direction to walk in? You’ve got one now. Remember. Remember and temper your healthy ambition with gratitude.
And don’t skimp on JAAJ’s Self-Love stack ;)