Pixel - Act with wisdom, but act

Journeys
1

TW: Substance abuse, depression, suicide, and so, so, so much stupidity

tl;dr - I sum up my life from my first non-religious spiritual experience to “ok, fuck this, I’m all in”. I probably don’t acknowledge it enough, but I do acknowledge how privileged I am to be able to go all in. Most of my gratitude goes towards that.

Maybe this will work. Lord knows journaling hasn’t really stuck, no matter how much I try to affirm myself into oblivion that it’s necessary and preferred. I don’t promise the below is true, or accurate - just that I felt comfortable writing it down when I did, even if I didn’t ;)

So, I’m 41 at this point in this life. I come from a household that was either deeply religious or religiously casual depending on which parent you were dealing with. Dad believes UFOs might be a thing. Mom’s nickname was Jesus Jr. She was the type that looking back, you see a lot of good in her wake, and a lot of harm, but you know both came from a place of self-less love but blind devotion to a Heavenly Father who didn’t die when she was 6 months old. Leaving her as the youngest of 7, with no sibling nearby in age, just after the depression ended. Her mother was now facing an open business loan to a bank. Yeah. Mom loved and did a lot of good with that love. She also left a lot of wounds. Working through her and how I feel has been moment by moment both in the recollection and in the changed perspectives.

I first got into ‘spirituality’ in North Carolina around the age of 21. I don’t even remember why. I was just shedding the last of the good boy persona. I was experimenting with drugs, had a live-in fiancee, and the works. But I remember I started meditating, burning incense, and using the Devil’s playing cards, Tarot. I quit smoking (pay attention). I reached out to a Wiccan friend who showed me some minor energy work by holding polished stones with my eyes closed and describing what I saw. I was pretty on point. Another friend showed me a book about chakras. I did a full body chakra meditation in a near-fugue one night. I vibrated so hard I thought I was going to rattle apart. I directed the energy through my feet and up and up and up and got stuck in my throat. I was sick for 3 weeks after. The fiancee and I broke up within a month later.

Oh boy did I break. Holy shit. In ways I can’t even fathom anymore, I broke. I’d given up everything to chase this and I FAILED (as far as I was concerned at the time). I lost my goddamn mind for at least a week. And Thank You to Emily who either for fun, or because she knew I was hurting, or hell, maybe she loved me. But she brought me around using all her feminine wiles in the process. I dyed my hair black, got a tattoo (forbidden at my family home) and I was Florida-bound less than a month later.

I ended up back in the same house with my family. New tattoo of the Grecian 5 elements and the heavens (see below), or not, spirituality wasn’t going to fly for long. Not under the same roof as Mom. So it died the way most things do; so quietly it was quickly forgotten.

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Fast forward from 21 to 25, I have a son and I’m proving more and more to myself how much of a broken man I am while striving to be traditionally successful. I want with everything in me to be a good father, but it’s just as much of a mask as everything else, especially as much as me being a good corporate drone, I just don’t know it yet. But I do LOVE my son… it’s just, in my head, it’s more important that we have money coming in than me being around for every little thing - and oh boy doesn’t that sound familiar, Hi Dad.

More fast forwarding, my son’s mother and I broke up, my son now comes from a broken home and I break again. Not nearly in the same way, and not nearly as many cracks, but this one cuts DEEP. Before, I shattered, now, I’m shorn. We stayed living together because, through some convoluted-ass logic, it was better for my son to be in an environment with both of us. In some ways, it probably was, I just wasn’t considering that one day, we’d stop living together and it would probably hurt him. Also, I can safely say I was hoping things would rekindle at the time. The relationship made me miserable, she was physically and emotionally abusive, the family unit, however, made me happy. We did not rekindle. Five years later, on my mother’s deathbed, she accused me of giving up my life and using my son and an ex as an excuse. She wasn’t wrong. I asked my “baby-mamma” (hate that term) to move out… it did not go well. I had my first serious relationship in 5 years less than 3 weeks later. It lasted 10 years. 10 of the worst years of my life, not due to the relationship, and it’s probably at least 60% responsible for why I’m still alive.

So as you can see, I’ve been a pretty consistent failure to launch. I’ve bounced, I’ve jumped, I’ve leaped, I’ve glided, but I can’t just leave the ground consistently under my power. I mentioned my mother’s deathbed. Guess who ended up back home with a preemptively grieving alcoholic father, who was watching his healthy wife wither away at the speed of stage 4 leukemia and improperly treated Steven Johnson’s syndrome? This guy.

And oh what fun we had. Trying to get Dad sober, managing his depression and mine, and trying to feel safe having my son come visit under those conditions. Spoiler alert, I didn’t. Dad attempted suicide over 30 times (usually substance abuse of some form or another no matter how well I policed his meds and money) in 10 years. There seemed to be a few rather altruistic pill-abusers in the surrounding area. I got to be uncomfortably familiar with some of the first responders. I have NO IDEA how I wasn’t investigated. It isn’t comforting to hear a man covered in his blood proclaiming how innocent his son is. “Don’t worry, it wasn’t my son, he’s a good man and he tries to care for me", at 90 slurred words a minute, is not an upstanding character reference. Who knew?

Mom left a mess. Dad’s a mess, my older brother is caring for my younger brother (who’s his own thing) while managing his wife and 2 kids. The house, omfg, leaks everywhere, and not enough money to fix them. My girlfriend and I lasted through all of this. I have some idea how but it’s not really flattering to either party and there’s enough from this story to piece together who I am if you know me.

I broke again on the night I had to argue with police officers because Dad’s scared the neighbors. He had a drug interaction and thinks he’s at summer camp, playing war, and trying to convince the neighbors he’s got their backs, don’t worry. Dad’s a known veteran in the area, so it’s more worrying. I realize I’m alone. My father’s broken. My mother’s dead. My son’s just trying to survive and I barely fit that picture for him. My brothers are dealing with their lives. And honestly, if my girlfriend had any decent sense, she’d leave. My life is broken. I’m broken. This ship is steadily sinking no matter how many holes I plug. I’ve asked Dad multiple times to work out living with my older brother, only to be told, by my dad (more on that in a bit), that he can’t live with him.

Fast forward past COVID-19 as lockdown was a Tuesday in my life at that point. The house gets hit by a storm and the roof caves in. I manually bucketed water out of my living room for 8 hours by myself because my father’s in no physical shape to help. It’s the first thing I’ve persevered at in years. And I proved to myself, consciously, that willpower can be just wanting it badly enough. Since I lost my job in 2019, no before that, I just thought I didn’t have it. Luckily, just before the hurricane, we arranged a fall-back strategy with my older brother. Dad can just move in (surprise), I can stay a week max (wtf?).

Turns out Dad had been lying. He was always welcome to move in, he just didn’t want to and had been trying to keep my brother and I from talking about it. He succeeded. We work it out, and I had a place to live. I finally had room to breathe and people to watch my back and… I could finally just fall apart. So I did, as completely as I felt I could. Somewhere in there, I remembered my long abandoned dream of being more spiritual. My sister-in-law is into Human Design and Astrology… I could… I could meditate here. I could commit to a daily practice, and so long as I helped out and looked for work, be left alone.

That was October of 2022. I’ve been very seriously devoted to daily spiritual practices since. I do not have steady paying work, though I am open to work, and I do look for work. So all of my time is spent unbreaking, fixing, reforging my pieces into a new whole. I skipped a lot above, and I may not leave it up for long.

As I got deeper, more things fell away. I quit smoking again. More things were no longer for me, if they ever were. I said goodbye to my lover of the past 10 years. I was growing in a way where the foundation was in flexibility and she wanted more structure. For the first time in 10 years, we could not tap into the hallmark of our relationship up to that point, communication.

I’ve lived a LOT of life in my first 25 years, and next to none in the last 11.

I got into the meditation exercises for Quareia but ultimately felt led away from furthering it (very much a for now feeling with that). I’ve been doing Daoyin daily, with few exceptions, since December 2022. I’ve been eating according to a TCM body typing system since March 2023. I’ve been doing SR since early January 2024. I’ve been using subliminals since October 2023. I’ve been using fields since February 2024 (and am almost convinced I shifted to this timeline while seeking out some very specific things. Because my earlier forays into YouTube SHOULD HAVE pulled up Sapien Medicine).

I’m a newb in so many ways, but I’ve got a lot of life experience and part of what I left out was all the dabbling along the way between North Carolina and now.

Now, the name of this record. Act with wisdom, but act. It’s a quote from Guild Wars 2. And one I’m trying to learn to live by. I knew fear as a child but I tried to be fearless. I knew fear as an adult and I just tried to make sure it’s sources didn’t notice me. I found out, late in life, that I’m a fully-masking ADHD person. And as I kept breaking, masks kept breaking with me, and I kept deskilling. Life WAS getting harder, I wasn’t just imagining that. I wasn’t doing anything about it, but it was real. Sure I was reminiscing back to when I could “handle” and forcing myself through anyway, but I wasn’t trying to change it. The perfectionism associated with ADHD causes so much paralysis… I’m so fearful of wasting my time that I waste my time. So that’s what I’m trying to figure out. How to act with wisdom, but act.

Thanks for reading.

Currently working on:

  • Energy sensitivity
    • Energy Awareness Course
      • Estimated completion: 5/30/24
      • I’m energy sensitive (my own energy) thanks to the daily Daoyin and meditation. Aside from “guessing” with the crystals in NC and the chakra meditation, I’ve never had something similar. The daily practice gave me CASUAL energy sensitivity. I don’t have to tune in much to direct my awareness through my body and that has a feeling to it. But I want to be able to sense outer energies beyond “bad vibes”, and inner energies beyond “black” and “white”. I want more subtlety and discernment. So I grabbed Dream’s course on it and am working through it.
    • Semen Retention
      • Current streak: 57 days (3/27/24)
      • Current goal: 1 year
      • Next sanity check: 122 days
    • Daoyin
      • Current streak: 165 days (3/27/24)
      • Current goal: 1 year
      • Next sanity check: 244 days
    • Meditation
      • On hold/demand until further notice
  • Physical Health
    • Daily exercise
      • Current streak: 61 days (3/27/24)
      • Current goal: 1 year
      • Next sanity check: 122 days
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Holy man! I’m glad you are bettering yourself despite the setbacks.

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To be fair, all of it was a result of my choices. I’m just happy to finally be in a place where I can see that. It’s SOOOOOOOO exhausting feeling like the world is out to get you. Far better to just go… OOOOH, I’m not public enemy number one, I’ve just been pretty dumb about how I went about all this.

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The fact that you acknowledge this puts you ahead in life. Just remember to accept these feelings and forgive yourself. You can fall as many times as you would like, as long you pick yourself back up.

I’m rooting for you.

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Thanks! :) The whole “suffering comes from stories” mindset has probably been the most helpful thing. Just understanding that things suck for an instant, we ruminate on how much they suck/sucked, or why, Dear god WHY… for a lifetime was… holy shit, a whole new universe.

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“I’m a hermit who hates being alone.”

That was my realization around 1:00 AM and the water works kind of just came with it. It always seems to happen mid-conversation, where feeling it fully in that moment is actually rude as hell, but having the emotions in bits like that will just make everything take forever. So I let it have two or three really big heaves and then I breathed into it fully and breathed it out fully. That’s the first time I feel like I might’ve actually gotten a sizable chunk mid conversation - yay!

So some background. Apparently, and I say apparently because I don’t remember, when I was a child there was a kid in the neighborhood who did NOT like me. He was 5-7 years older than me. Keep in mind, I’m a first year millennial, but my 6 years senior brother was Gen X, so I got to join him in the last generation of feral children here in the USA. Anyway, I must’ve annoyed the absolute shit out of this kid because apparently, he beat me within inches of hospital rooms and stitching several times. My brother described it as almost battered wife syndrome but in someone who really wanted a friend.

So, I believe in reincarnation and I believe in time spent as our Beings, in wider Creation, between reincarnations doing whatever work is necessary.

As a side note, I think beliefs, facts, and opinions should change with increasing frequency. Beliefs are a sturdy and safe home, facts are a particularly comfortable pair of socks, and opinions are the latest decent book you found relatable. Should any of them break or become a problem for YOUR existence, or hold you back, you should look at replacing them. So know that my beliefs are subject to change, the fact that my beliefs are subject to change is subject to change, and my opinion that it’s healthy to think like that is subject to change. it’s just what rings most true for me now.

Anyway, through that view of reincarnation - through that particular lens - the thing that makes the most sense to me barring some HORRIFIC trauma from even earlier than 4-5 years old, or a past life*, is that my greater Being spends a lot of time as a hermit and I choose to incarnate when I NEED interaction. So yeah, my first inclination is to be the most hermitting hermit who ever hermited in all of Hermitdom… except when I’m craving interaction and that big ole extroversion mask comes out… which exhausts me so I go back to being the Hermit King of Hermit Town Population 0 (because if it said 1, you might try to find the 1).

knock knock There’s nobody here, kindly go away until I say otherwise, please and thank you.

* I discount past-life because I’ve been told that I’m an old soul who’s only been here less than a handful of times.

Now, with a grain of salt, this was by individuals who are very much into the 5D+, Starseed, and Galactic Self version/interpretation of reality.

My current belief is we all get an angle, and it’s our jobs to piece together those angles. Some are more accurate than others, but none should be truly FALSE.

After all, if there’s a lot of truth said in jest, there’s a lot of truth conveyed in a lie.

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I keep hearing/seeing people talk about where they are on their journey. Not to offend anyone, if you’re someone who’s sure you know where you are, consider yourself more enlightened, by all means, because I have no clue and I’m not in a space where it even seems that would be feasible.

You’re on a path, of unknown length and the purpose is your greatest and highest good OR someone else’s (e.g. some religious paths seem far more about the exaltation of their Godhead than their people).

Am I awakened? No idea. Am I enlightened, probably not, couldn’t tell you. Do I have truths, yeah, for sure. Do I have things that just click for me that everyone else seems to be blind to, yup. No idea what any of that actually means or if it matters though.

The only thing I know is I’m at a point where I’ve let go of the fear of upending my life in interest of whatever is best for me. E.g. “if you love them, let them go” is primary school stuff. This is “if it’s not for me, or it doesn’t serve my highest and greatest good, I just don’t want it” period. If that means I lose a 10 year relationship, fuck, that sucks, but so be it. Estranged child, it’s ok, I’ll be here and keep reaching out until a time where that relationship can mend. For parents out there, basically de-enmeshment work, as the secondary guardian, and knowing that might cut off your relationship, but if it does, it’s actually what’s best for you and, far more importantly, your child.

That’s where I’m at. But I can’t tell you where on “the path” that is, how far in, how far out, how much longer to go, are we there yet? No idea. But it feels like a milestone.

For those who are certain and have the equivalent of path GPS. How do you tell? Is it just a threshold you reach and once you know, you know? How do you tell the people who mimic from the people who’ve actually reached the threshold? Or can you just tell?

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In other news, I ordered a selenite pendulum for a Fae servitor, and a Black Tourmaline organite pendant for ESS.

I actually still haven’t heard back from anyone on whether or not my Dragon Golem appears fine? So I’ll link that here. I keep talking to him like he’s doing alright. We’ll see.

If anyone is able to see the servitors through pictures, can you verify their health and overall presence in the photo?

EDIT: Gotta say, seeing the link clicked twice and still no update after that topic already has 160+ views makes me REALLY skeeved out that either 1) I’m talking to a jade pendant and that’s it, 2) Something’s really messed up with my Dragon Golem, 3) Something’s really messed up with me, or 4) Something people would want to avoid mentioning, that I can’t imagine, is happening.

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I read through the first post with great interest. You might really like revision fields.

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Thanks, I have them in a few playlists actually. They’re in my grounding and intercessory playlists especially.

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I’m still very much in that early phase where every playlist is a victim of scope creep because I want to address ALL THE THINGS (and I’m a big believer in 80% of a result comes from 20% of the effort). And I’m not trying to be perfect, I’m trying to be better today than I was yesterday… so yeah, lots of stuff that doesn’t seem like it should be in “grounding” is in grounding xD

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My opinion. Not Medical Advice.

I’m a broken record on the topic, but I really like the mitochondria fields. If the mitochondria produce enough energy, the body’s innate repair systems get to work, without that energy, they don’t. That makes them very min-max fields.

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Ok, I like where your head’s at. So plasma charged Mito’s for the physical. Do you have any similar catch-alls for the subtle bodies?

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I wish. That’s not really my thing. My intuition is that improving your physical body is fast way to help your other bodies—a good sleep or good meal can do wonders. I know that our intuitions go the other way— More subtle—> physical— but for my money a diet that supplies K2 and B vitamins would help with lot problems for people, spiritual or otherwise. So I think that mitochondria fields would help, but it’s just a reasoned guess.

Still, I’m sure there are fields that are much more targeted. A lot of people regard the mana circuits field as foundational. I like it it. The jing-chi-shen-orbit fields get a lot attention. The new ones are shorter and efficient, though the longer form old ones have advocates. (I’m purposely excluding paid fields)

The Dream Seeds channel is a treasure trove. The Energy Body/Aura Deep Clearing Cleansing is a nice one to loop if you wake up too early and have time to fall back asleep.

Edit: Actually, I’m wondering if there are innate repair systems to the subtler bodies. If the physical body mirrors them in some way there should be. Very curious what others know about this.

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Well it’s am old enough of a discussion that you see it play out in Chinese fiction at least. There are camps: the physical body dictates to the subtle, the subtle bodies dictate to the physical, they influence each other equally, they are multiple enclosed environments completely isolated but all owned by the same company.

Personally, I Intuit that it’s 3 and 4, where the influence is more in alignment, coherence through that alignment, and resonance through that coherence. I say this because I know of plenty of physically healthy people that are nightmares and or unconscious NPC types , and I know plenty of physically unhealthy people that are consciously awake but sort of seem stuck or limited? Like they’re am NPC with an AI that isn’t getting its dataset updated anymore - if that makes sense.

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3/29/24

Seems odd that Dream shies away from explaining what arguably become some of the more powerful fields. There’s the argument of course that he’s seemingly been brought up in the Eastern teaching philosophies and so he’s being faithful to that (making sure he doesn’t steal your aha moment). But then I wonder… if my whole “belief is everything” deal is true, if Dream doesn’t plant more seeds these days, and they get watered with our beliefs about what they’re capable of and being hyper-specific about the field would cut off that potential.

Could be entirely wrong, but an interesting thought regardless.

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3/30/24

Created my Fae Servitor today and man that was a bit of a rush. Some very stubborn blockages seemed to have melted away during a much-needed nap. Coincidentally all my prints of the energetic mandalas (mainly Dream’s Insta stuff) came in. Other than that it’s time to resume the Energy Awareness audios after my two-day break. Body Primer was rather intense, to the point I almost had to stop all other Field work, we’ll see how Energy Sensitivity plays out.

Oh, today was Day 2 of the Star Exercise and Day 60 of SR. I’ll probably edit this entry after I get my first taste of the Energy Sensitivity audio.

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4/7/24

I haven’t been getting down on myself per se. But between some random emotional shedding making me PROFOUNDLY sad for several hours, like just sitting in a car and feeling a heavy weight drop from my heart, and other bits of life, planned and unplanned, happening around me - I can safely say I was losing sight of where I’d been. So of course, with a loss of a point of reference, or its significance, it’s harder to gauge how far I’ve come.

Then I finished the meme thread (nothing like a pointless challenge to remind you that you can do hard things, you just choose not to at times).

For those who aren’t in the know, JAAJ is very prominently featured in the meme thread, and for good reason. JAAJ definitely seems to be a perceivable, if still unfathomable, distance further along the path of both ascension and memes than I am xD. I say this because I listen to JAAJ’s self-love stack and do find it quite helpful.

I digress, I finished the meme challenge and I had nothing to do with my copious amounts of free time. Lets examine a thoroughly cleaned-up dramatization of how I worked over this problem, keep in mind I do tend to personify various parts of me, knowing they’re all me, but it makes it easier to converse with them:

I’m bored.
I know, I know you’re bored. Here’s something fun, be less bored.
Nah, not enjoying it because I’m a little sad still.
I know, but we’re literally doing all we can at the moment. There are no more things I know how to do other than sit with it and proceed.
No, there’s something. I don’t remember when or how, but you missed something that would make me less sad.

And this looped ad nauseam. So I thought about JAAJ as I’m working through today’s play through of the Self-Love stack. “Hmmm, JAAJ has a journal, there’s gotta be some stuff in that.” And lo and behold, there was, in fact, some stuff in that:

It’s like 2 posts in and it magnetically attracted this memory:

Gold. I had lost sight of where I started, and how low I was: how malnourished, how close to death from both internal and external threats (while we’ve covered the time period this happened in, I haven’t really touched on the details, lets just say things got really dicey those last 5 years), how truly broken I was.

I HAVE raised my vibration, SIGNIFICANTLY, from where I was. I’m just having unrealistic expectations because I want it to be higher still. And, if I’m brutally honest, I want “the cool shit”.

Well, reality check to myself; being alive from a point of almost not being is the cool shit. Certainly not all of it, but at least a prominently featured aspect. I may still be healing, and yes, that can be discouraging and frustrating because it’s not done, but it’s forward momentum; no matter how uphill.

So, to any who read later, myself included: Maintain a firm grasp on when the journey really started, and how far you’ve come. Don’t measure in distance from the start, that seems like another trap, but how much easier does a single step come now? When was the last time you looked up and lost your ever-loving mind because none of your surroundings looked remotely like what they did the last time you looked up or how you imagined they’d look by now and you feel lost, again, for the billionth time today. Remember how hard you hoped and prayed and willed and manifested for fuck, not even a path, but a direction to walk in? You’ve got one now. Remember. Remember and temper your healthy ambition with gratitude.

And don’t skimp on JAAJ’s Self-Love stack ;)

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Your dragon is in the jade. In fact he said “tell him I’m here” and then proceeded to pop out into his large form to prove it, lol.

In crystal shops or on amazon you can find a little cage-type necklace that will hold your jade. All kinds of options on amazon:

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even a bracelet holder

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Thank you so much xD

Would not surprise me if it was with an eye roll (lol, man, that Mercury Retrograde sure is prevalent…) @Rosechalice to clarify, the eye roll would be from my dragon, not you :P Thank you again so much!

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