So I think I did something profoundly stupid, though I’m not sure what, but I’m pretty sure I’ve come out the other side mostly unscathed.
I was working on stacks last night and kept getting more and more head pressure and just could not figure out, even after running Autism, how to get it to actually deflate. I was hopped up on energy and found it nearly impossible to go to sleep between that and, I won’t say pain but increasing discomfort for sure.
I fell asleep at some point, and only really got a power nap in. When I awoke, it was worse. I was verging on “ok, there’s no more room left in my head” territory. I drove my nephews to school in silence, trying to calm my inner fears and simultaneously work with my servitors to figure out a way to address it, I felt led to ground it out. The entire process seemed like I was re-digging a river bed out and it just didn’t want to flow. Finally, a bit leaked through, and then it started to (and I just realized as I’m writing this that this sounds a lot like opening a meridian point in cultivation novels, wtf?) speed up.
By the time my 10 minute drive home was over, I had a eureka moment, all of this pressure felt like it was coming from my well-of-dreams/jade pillow in TCM. I did a stirring motion to get it open a bit and give the energy somewhere to go. Oh, it went alright. Within minutes I felt like I was on a roller coaster; I could feel energy just POURING through me to a point of discomfort and I was simply along for the ride. I do regular energy work practices and while I’ve felt energy coming in, this was a river down my core channel, and then equally large tributaries down each leg.
I walked out back and went barefoot and stayed like that, breathing deep, calming breaths, for about an hour before it finally let up. By the time it was finally over, so much energy had come through that I was exhausted, my hips ached, and right now the only sign it even happened is a minor sense of weakness in my body and what feels like a sore muscle just to the right of my spine in line with the upper-third of my shoulder blade.
If anyone has any idea what might have caused all this, please let me know.
I’m playing with the idea that while I likely played with fire that ended me up in that situation, I was being rewarded, warned, and tested all at once. I’ve historically been very pain/discomfort/fear adverse; it’s something I genuinely feel like I’m on the back half of now. The experience was as awesome as it was terrifying in the moment. My inner fear was panicking and distinctly a separate voice throughout the process, constantly telling me to just call on whatever (literally whoever would answer) to fix it, or to stop using fields, or to give up energy work, etc.
This was within 24 hours of me realizing and deciding to walk in the direction of building a significant portion of my life around energy work and fields as a whole. I was super proud of myself that I wasn’t afraid and that it didn’t take a crisis to get me to make a decision. Oh, but it did. Because when I woke from my nap, worried that I’d had overgrowth (ala Brain Guild), or I’d damaged my nervous system beyond repair, I realized I still wanted to proceed. I just need to figure out what happened, how it happened, and if it’s relevant, why (I find that why isn’t nearly as relevant as we try to make it. It can be supremely important, but more often than not, it’s not as essential as I try to believe it is).
It may have been a fear test; my higher self saying “Ok, this is what you wanted, remember that” and handing me something that would historically have made me back off. But here I am, feet grounded, listening to JAAJ’s Daily Self Love stack and occasionally throwing in some Shungite Shake to ease myself. Not because I’m trying to push, no, after my daily stack I’m done for the day. But because as terrifying as it was, I also had more connections, and have helped more people important to me since I started my journey. Doubly so since I started on the journey of self-love (I looked in the mirror last night and smiled at myself, fucked up teeth and all, and thought it was just amazing the amount of progress I’ve made in a year and a half).
I can’t say I won’t ever stop, not yet, but I’m far more interested in digging further in than contemplating fear and failure. That’s enough for now I think.
Much love and gratitude to anyone who can help me shed light on what happened, not even so I can avoid it, but so I can add that data point to my experience.
