Being an observer huh? That’s what I hope to become. To still feel emotions when I need to but be detached. I know that sounds like a contradiction but so are most things about me lol.
I will stay quiet for a while lest I make this thread all about me haha.
I already miss Samurai and Philip Weiss. The seemingly controversial “bad boys” of the forum, but with big generous hearts deep inside and contributions to be remembered, not to mention some personal help that I’ve received from them and that I’ll probably won’t forget for the rest of my life.
Do we tend to embellish our memories as time goes by? Maybe… but it’s not a trait that I would complain about. Once again, I wish the best for them both.
Bronyraur - Why did Samurai leave?
Today was a good day in theta meditation. Saw colours swirling around mostly green I think that came from me? This vision overlapped with my physical perception and everytime the green colour moved over a place I saw energy moving around and little “stars” that had a blue purple colour at one point I thought I saw a entity and became a bit anxious but at that moment right in front of me I created something or attracted something which had a identical feeling of what I felt. At that moment I just realized… hey thats me why should I be afraid of myself? and all the other thoughts that pop up time over time again or any entity or even people that I attract into my life… they are in some way me. If I manage to completely love the people around me I’ll love myself and if I love myself I’ll love others.
In the end for developement maybe it doesn’t matter who feels what if I manage to grow from the experience from someone else.
I kinda knew this already but seeing it right in front of me… it made me realize it on a deeper level.
I miss them very much. 
Why did they have to leave, I wonder.
hey bro how long have u been meditating . and how its possible to see with our eyes closed
Just to clarify that my eyes were open and I didn’t percieve it like I’d physical things yet but some inbetween? I saw energy moving around and some things felt more “alive” and were “denser” than the energy around me.
As for how long… I’m not sure 2-3 years maybe but at the start of the year I took it more seriously and for some months now I meditate daily for at least 40-60 minutes always with the help from the fields. Sometimes I take walks and listen to the fields too.
I’m working on my energy body and spirituality in generel guess it just happens when you keep working on yourself. I also have the course fields they help really much in developement but things like the chakra stimulation fields should be fine too. For sure. I also use the ipf daily and bought the conceptual realization lately I found that this field enhances my perception too to a rather big extent. Taking a walk outside and seeing all the lights and people nature etc. all seem so beautiful, alive and colourful
So I had read a letter last night from one of my bros from the gang that I used to run with. I had gotten it the other day about 2 or 3 days ago, and I had forgotten about it. When I’d finally opened it up and read it, my heart sank. His dad died of the Corona virus. I think it’s the craziest thing ever, that people like to make outrageous claims that the Corona virus isn’t ‘real’ and it’s just some fabricated ‘hoax’, when countless people had died off this shit? Anyways, I was bummed. And even more bummed as I had started to read more and more of his letter. He only needed me and only wanted to talk to me at this time, but I wasn’t there. And I even procrastinated on reading his letter. He told me that he’s been blowing off everyone, and been in a tucked up mood. He hasn’t been wanting to talk to anyone in there about this, and almost even beat up an officer in there. In the beginning of his letter, oh man he had me stressing! I have been trying to keep him on the straight and narrow, so he can come out here to the other side of the fence with me. But I am really glad and proud of how he didn’t choose to ‘crash’ out. I know how it is, especially in the past looking back in retrospect. When bad news hits, you want to say screw the whole world, and anybody comes at you wrong(or even if you think or feel they are doing you wrong), you want to beat the shit out of them. So I feel where my bro’s coming from. Miguel was more than a cohort to me. He was my ‘Day One.’ We’re like blood brothers. When people used to see him, they used to see me too.(Hahaha, my bro tall as shit, like 6’2 or 6’3). We used do everything together. ‘Bad’ and ‘good’.
When I had made parole, Ms. Reimer(Classification lady who’s been looking out for me since 2012. I always felt like she was one of my guardian angels. She would always tear up many cases for me, sometimes without me knowing), moved me from the 2 building(1 building and 2 building were confirmed STG members, ‘Security Threat Group’) to the Religious wing, aka ‘God pod’ . Oh boy, I hated it! it was so quiet and serene, and no drugs and no commotion. No cell phones. No slamming of dominoes on the table or shooting dice. No fights. No people sniffing ice at the tables in the dayroom, and no one smoking K-2 at the benches. No smell of wicks burning. No smell of hooch in the air, and no one was drunk! It was crazy! So I kept on tryna get Ms. Reimer to move me back. She had clout with the warden, so she always pulled strings for me and get me moved to whichever cell I wanted to be in, but this time she kept telling me no, and she wanted me to stay out of trouble and finally go home. She had to have clout because she’d put me in the ‘God pod’. When for one, I was on gang file, and for 2, there’s always a long waiting list to get over there because of all the ‘catch outs’ or a hand full of gang members that made the ‘cut’ and were tired of the drama.(they would watch ‘free world’ movies over there too) I was so sad man…I felt so out of place. I even had threaten this one Sarge named Barron or the child molesters where I was at, so I could get a case and get moved back to 2 building. NOTHING WORKED. I couldn’t get a case for shit. Lmao. 
Almost all of the sarges, lieutenants, regular C.O.s (males and females), liked me or showed me respect. They would let me do almost whatever I wanted. Some of the lieutenants used to even talk to me as if I was their son. Tryna to get me to do right so I can finally go home.(had I been staying out of trouble from the start, I wouldn’t have pulled the whole 15 years) But this one Sarge named Baron! He hated my guts! And it used to be really bad with the officers in 2007-2012. They used to put one of us in handcuffs, and 4 or more laws would beat the shit out of us and send us to the hospital. Even if we would just talk back to them. Until we, the inmates, started to riot against them each time it would happened. Then they were scared. 
Lol. Haha, oh shit. I am getting off track. So yeah, I was stuck in this nightmare. My homeboy would send me some meth from 2 building, and I would have sneak in my cell to sniff it, and then play it off like I am just happy go-lucky, friendly, bubbly, and social, but I was really just full of that meth. 
I would always complain to Miguel about wanting to go back ‘home’. Lol. But he would tell me, “Naw, stay over there bro and watch them free world movies. I want you to go home. I want you to stay out of trouble.” So I said ‘tuck it’, and I stayed. Then he decided to try to get off of gang file, since gang members aren’t allowed on the ‘good’ side of the unit.(by telling the Gang intelligence officer, that he renounced his gang affiliation and sign some official papers). Since my bro been staying out of trouble case-free for 6 months or so… he was approved and on the waiting list. By the time he made it over there, I had already started to meditate, and quit doing drugs already for maybe about 3 months. Boy! was I so happy to have him over there with me. By then, because of the meditation, I was pretty much always in a positive mood most of the time. I tried my hardest not to judge, even though I hated rapists, sex offenders, and child molesters. But I just learned to stay out of their way and vice versa. Anyways, me and Miguel would always talk to each other about our dreams. Reminisce on the good ol’ times, about the free world and females. Man, that part sucked the most for me of being locked up. I hated being around dudes all the time! I mean, we used to talk to the females C.O.s too, but there were snitches who would hate on you(without you knowing too), and they would write these paper slips called “I-60s” and we could get in trouble and hit with a major case for ‘establishing relationship’. So you had to be really tight on your game and careful if you did that. The guards would sneak us in alcohol sometimes, and alot of the drugs as well. Cellphones too. Yeah, when me and Miguel were over there in the ‘God pod’, we were like angels man. 
I mean, we got drunk one time, off of some hooch we had made since it was my other homeboy’s birthday, but besides that, we had cut off the drugs and didn’t even obtain a cell phone anymore. He’d really been a beam of light to me, and would always try to cheer me up. Boy was he funny too, and always made me laugh! I was really happy when I had left that me and him had changed for the better. One thing that really bugs me, is lots of guys that come out to the free world after being locked up, it’s like a switch turns ‘off’ and they forget about the one’s still doing time. Like they forget the struggle. They forget the brotherly love or friendship that they’d shared in prison. They forget how hard things really are in there. They forget that sometimes, it seems like your family forgot about you, and about the feeling of being alone. What if your brother needs you, or even wants to kill himself because something terrible happened, you know? And it makes me sad. I guess people just have different principles. They were there for me when I was at my worst, so I could never turn my back on them when they are at theirs too. Couldn’t even fathom that being possible. This letter was a wake-up call for me. I will never ever procrastinate reading upon receiving a letter or writing back ASAP ever again to any of my bros. They need me. That bond can’t be broken. Here’s his letter:
@This_Boy_Here you really are a good friend lil e…he’s lucky to have you. I hope he can hold it together in there, it sounds like it’s not a nice place…especially after losing a family member.
Thank you very much for your kind words… 
Yeah, I have always been like that, even when I was younger. I have always been choosey with who I let close to me, and who I just consider acquaintances. But for those that I allow to be close to me, I give them my all. I would try to be the best friend that they could have. I would never want them to stress, you know? And actually, before I had left, we had gotten a new warden, and he was like, zero tolerance. Would lock us down at any little slightest commotion. Or even the slightest whiff of smoke. So I think he will be there for some years to come. Lots of people were complaining about things being like that now, but tbh…Many of them wouldn’t have liked it how it was back then. But yeah, my bro Miguel is strong. Rain or shine, he’s going to make it. I just need to stick it with him until he gets out.
Found something interesting again thanks to some friends 
. Remember that OM posted something along the lines that the left side of the energy body is more receptive/inward and that the right side is outward/expressive. I think the corresponding emotional/energetic issues are stored in these parts. So for example if you worry about how others percieve what you say (express yourself) these issues are stored in the right side and if you are anxious of what you recieve from others because of that then this’ll probably be shown on the left side. Also at least for me one issue never really comes alone but can be more severe on one side/part of the body.
Maybe that’s just how it works for me. Maybe this could help some people a bit when they feel a blockage more on the right side or left side and want to figure out why it is there.
Interesting observation! I’ve noticed that on myself, that most of my small ailments and aches appear on my left side. I’ve tried to research the reason for that but never gotten any intuitive hit that felt right. This might be it. Have to think more about this. Thanks!
I do know that I sometimes feel not worthy of receiving love, kindness and that sort of thing. Especially in younger days that was more of an issue. But perhaps there is more to work on in that regard.
I really love how you value your personal experiences and reflect on them differently in the meantime; how you really add some ‘body’ and ‘more insight’ to them. 🧘♂️
(Had more written but accidentally got deleted so hopefully the paraphrased version conveys what I want to say!)
Heroic work done here. That sharing part could get quite tough… sometimes… most times…
Specially for the ex-devastated sharer. 
Thank you @desiree . Hahaha, I just speak my mind through my heart. Never really think too deep into it. And yeah, ever since I was little, I have never been insecure about how I was, or cared about what others thought of me. I mean, it is what it is you know? It lead me to the road I am on now. Most likely it’s probably unresolved issues from my past life or something. It’s not like I can go back and fix it. But one can always learn from his/her mistakes and keep moving forward.
Life, etc. I’m posting a (g)oldy song below, on behalf of us 3, in order to summarize our feelings towards many people on this forum.
Dreamweaver and Sammy, I’ll keep following your work, no matter what. Sorry again for the perturbations that I might have contributed to create here, from time to time… but as another famous song says: “I am what I am”, choosing to live with my own illusions.
Take good care of yourselves and see you soon or some time, somewhere.
I’m hoping that does not mean you are leaving too…
Sometimes, some of us are going through too much in our personal lives, that it can be quite draining to interact with others. This forum is positive in nature and people here have good intentions but even still, some of the toxic stuff from within seeps through. Most of the time, it’s extremely subtle. But it’s not just one or two people. We all have it. None of us are pure.
And when you’re dealing with your own personal issues, it can sometimes not be pleasant to deal with other’s issues. And sometimes it’s not issues, it’s just other peoples thoughts, opinions and just energy alone. It can be preferable to seek solace in solitude amidst chaos.
So I empathize with those wishing to leave. I personally don’t interact online much for similar reasons as I don’t use social media.
But I will say I love this place. Has its up and downs like any other place but the main difference is just about everyone here is here willing to grow. To learn. To see the world in a different light. Which is how we should be. Nobody’s perfect but we can have an easier time getting close to perfection if we collectively help each other get there.
And also, there’s not a lot of other places on the net where you can discuss these kinds of things. It’s refreshing to talk about this kind of stuff with like minded people. And if you think this place can get toxic, you haven’t been to those other places lol. This is a walk in a park compared to what’s out there.
This song… I don’t understand what he’s saying. But I FEEL it. Glorious.
Edit: Just read the translated lyrics. Glorious ain’t the right way to describe it. A pretty sad song.
