Sometimes i wish I hadn’t found and started studying n practicing psychology, spirituality, manifestation, not having this level of awareness. I wonder how it would’ve been different, would i be laying in bed when i got depressed, and get up eventually and start doing what i need to do and in the process building habits like exercising, going out and stuff rather than playing depression begone and forgetting about building something that’ll help against future episodes. I wonder if life would’ve been simpler without the magick, without the fields, the law. Fields are certainly amazing and lucky to find them but still i used to be a good kid man, i really was, despite all the wrong stuff happening to me, despite people back stabbing me, despite the constant emotional, physical abuse, i always chose to be and actually was kind, understanding, forgiving, never held any grudges for anyone, no matter what they did, i always forgave. Life was pretty good back then man despite it not being good. People said to me that i inspire them, people came to me with their problems and i would solve them in an instant, had great brotherhood, was alone but never felt alone. Was depressed but grateful. Was fucking tough man, both mentally and physically. I remember man, once i was playing football with my friends, when a fucking compass pierced my foot, I didn’t broke a sweat, went to the doc, started playing footy again the next day. Got injured so much so that a little bone was showing around the knee, went home, mum started crying and i was just smiling. I was literally inner pillar of power in human form. People seeked me for strength and inspiration. Relatives would say im too wise ( which basically translates to much traumatised at early age), some would say ima saint. I was better, life was better before. Actually believed in myself man, despite the world telling me no, i always screamed YES. Before all the manifestation, spirituality, psychology and stuff.
I don’t know where it all went wrong.
Now, i am who i swore i will never become, complete opposite. Never thought i would become so weak, so weak emotionally, mentally and physically. Feel no connection with anyone, not even my family, had something going for me after fucking ages, delays delays delays. Fucking hell. Life was actually going okay, barely, things were starting to look up. But idk if it’s just a coincidence or what but i listened to the probability field after reading the thread. Listened for 2 days. And everything started falling apart. I’m not blaming the audio, it could be because of it or maybe not idk. Not making any assumptions. I’m just so fucking tired, losing everything, everyone, myself left and right. 25 fucking years man, give me a fucking break goddamit. But still i have nothing on my parents, for me its 25 but for them its 50 years of struggles, not a fucking break. But for the first time in my life, im so fucking done with it, i dont wanna fucking understand them, i don’t have any empathy for them, i dont want to empathise with them. I have, i dont wanna fucking understand myself, this life, this whole shit, this whole fuckery. This fucking maya and shit. Just need a fucking break, just for a second, where everything just stops fucking existing. Even at this fucking time there’s this little piece of shit voice inside, saying “ it’s gonna be okay” ( thanks captain) i dont fucking want it to be okay, i want it to be fucking over, just gone, fucking disappear. I’m not suicidal guys, just tired. Just tired.
Sorry for the bad vibe guys. Please dont feel obliged to help, reply or do anything. I don’t need anything. Just a moment where life/I becomes okay.
EDIT : i started writing this post with the same intention as the title suggest but it quickly turned into a vent unexpectedly. But it helped me a lot. It emptied my mind and i read it again and again & i found acceptance. As i found acceptance, i realised i yearn for who i was before as in positive traits like kind, forgiving etc. so i decided to drop all fields except slr, ego diss, plasma light, shiny hair and platelet rich hair. Yesterday listened to brain refresher, deep brain magnetic stimulation, 3 times each & drank some electrolyte solution, walnuts as i had immense brain fog, was completely exhausted mentally, my eyes felt like they weight a ton, turns out i was quite dehydrated. All this made me feel normal again mental energy wise. Now I’ve added outlook retrainer, childlike wonder, non judgemental acceptance, patient and kind person, detachment, alchemy of love & VOC And i feel a lot like MYSELF again😇. It feels really good man. It’s like im a different person than who wrote this. I feel love, compassion, kindness, humility, optimism, humble but confident, grounded, whole, understanding. This feels really wonderful. Its good to be back. I plan to listen to this stack only for quite sometime, months prolly. Felt great energy during my evening pooja, immense.
I could’ve just been silent but i felt the need to share the turnaround as I received such good and healing energies from you guys which obviously played a massive role. Just wanted to share and pay my gratitude to all of you guys and captian ofc. Talk about attract your soul tribe eh?
