Struggling with self-sabotaging behavior

Hey everyone. This is my first post here, so excuse me that I start with a post of desperation, but I am seeking for help…

This is going to be a long post.

I really don’t know where to start. I am 20 years old, still live with my mum, am pretty intelligent, creative and I am absolutely certain of the immense potential that is within me. I see problems in the world that I would like to adress and think that, if I manifest my full potential, I could absolutely be a force for good that could help the world. I want to live a good, fulfilling life and help the world in whatever ways I can.

But in order to help the world, I first need to help myself and get my act together. The problem is that I suffer badly from self-sabotaging behavior. Sometimes I feel really motivated by this life purpose that I have set up for myself, but it’s almost always fleeting because eventually I almost always do things that are absolutely detrimental to myself and that inhibit me from moving forward. For example, I know how beneficial semen retention is for me (I feel much more energetic after just a few days of retaining) and how watching lots of pornography really screws up my dopamine receptors and brain chemistry, but I have a bad habit of watching pornography (and edging to it without ejaculating) for hours, with which I screw up my brain - and then edge for too long, until I inevitably loose control and ejaculate.

I know perfectly well how bad it is to do these behaviors, but it’s so hard to stop nonetheless. They are habitual/addictions and it is almost like, I can try to stay mindful and not do these things for as long as possible but one moment of distraction or me not paying attention and my default mode network automatically leads me to do those things.

Another example of this is how a few days ago, I listened to Sapiens ‘Brain Regeneration’ audio with the intent of healing my brain of this prolonged porn usage/addiction from which it has suffered all these years (I watch porn since I am 11 and have a pretty hard time stopping ever since) and I could feel how my brain would start to regenerate with the help of Sapien right away. But a few hours later, I would resort back to my conditioned behavior/habit of opening my phone, opening and looking at pornographic content and jerking off to it.

It’s like my hippocampus (rational part of the brain) wants to help me and knows what to do or not to do, but the parts of the brain that control behavior or habits just make me do these things nonetheless. While the hippocampus would like to help, the other brain areas are the ones that are actually in control and they are making me behave in ways that are not good for me in the long run.

And even if I have successfully retained my semen for a few days, I still procrastinate. If I sit in silence for some time, I know exactly what I have to do in order to move towards achieving my life goals (or, if I don’t know what exactly to do, I at least know what NOT to do), but instead of working to achieve my goals, I choose to procrastinate by doing low-vibrational activities such as watching pornography and edging, binging animes, playing video games or watching youtubers play video games, after which I feel horrible and like I am rotting away, because I know exactly that I am wasting my time and not helping myself achieve my goals. But I am doing it anyways because I can’t seem to motivate myself to do the things I need to do, because the dopamine I get from those activities is so much lower than if I just watch porn or do any of the other low-vibrational activities.

Those other low-vibrational behaviors also are so much more familiar and comforting than what I would have to do to move forwards, which might also contribute to this lack of consistent action. It’s like I am distracting myself from the things I know I should be attending to, because attending to them causes me discomfort and stress and puts me in an unfamiliar situation in the here and now, which is why I’d rather numb and distract myself, even though that doesn’t solve the problems, and so they just compile.

Sometimes I procrastinate literally the ENTIRE DAY or multiple days in a row in this way.

I feel so beaten and almost hopeless right now because my day today started this same way. I started watching some porn pretty much as the first thing in the morning (so easy with a phone with internet access), edged to it, then ejaculated (without intending to do so), felt very lethargic after the ejaculation and then spent hours watching some let’s player play video games. If this was a one time thing, I wouldn’t mind so much and get back on track right away, but looking back on my life over the last few weeks and months, this is nothing new - I have been sabotaging my own progress in this way for some time now. I can only wonder where I would be right now if my behavior wasn’t so self-sabotaging and if I’d spent less time procrastinating and more time actually making progress and building momentum.

I am still hopeful. I know that, even though I have already wasted so much time in the past, I could potentially get my act together now or in the future and still achieve greatness. I am certain that I have a lot of potential, that, if I manifest it, could potentially make up for all the wasted hours and days (in the sense that, maybe the wasted time wasn’t wasted if it was what motivated me to ultimatively leave this old life of procrastination, distraction and self-sabotage behind me for good, for me to become who I can become).

Anyways, this is my first post here and I just wanted to get this off my chest. I don’t even know why I specifically posted this in this forum but I have this feeling that this could be the right community of people to ask (I don’t know any better ‘place’ or forum to write this than here). I usually don’t share such desperate things from my life with others / ask others for help, because I feel like most people already have a lot to bear and I don’t want to load my problems onto them, so I usually just try to deal with my problems myself. But in this case, I have been suffering from this kind of behavior for so long now, that I feel like I need some help… Is there anyone here who suffered from severe self-sabotaging behavior and has gotten themselves out of it (at least mostly)? How do you deal with it, if it still comes up? Is there any advice you can give me on the things I have written about? Any knowledable/good advice would be hugely appreciated.

I have NEVER asked for life-advice on any forum on the internet ever before. This should tell anyone how desperate for some helpful advice I am - because while I am convinced of my potential, I really don’t know how to reliably stop my old, negative and self-sabotaging behavioral patterns, that seem so deeply ingrained within me. There is nobody in my life with whom I can talk about these things, where I feel that I would be properly understood. That’s why I am trying my luck here.

TL;DR: I know that I have a lot of potential but I have been wasting way to much time with procrastinatory, distractory and self-sabotaging behaviors (old habits that are hard to kick and self-distraction) that make me feel miserable and I need to somehow learn to not sabotage myself in these ways, in order to fulfill my potential and achieve my goals.

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Use ego dissolution cuz it can promote neuroplasticity. Plasma brain for full brain reset and all soul restoration audios
This stack is more than enough and you don’t have to waste time on anything else. If possible use subconscious limit remover and mindfulness before these audios. Use these for a few months for best result

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Fall in love with doing ‘useless’ things like, sitting still and doing absolutely nothing for hours on end. Or just walk. Make it a habit to not be on your phone, consciously turn it off after using it every time and always think ‘could i do anything better than this right now?’ - like doing ‘useless’ stuff like sitting in stillness for a while.

Attain knowledge, start reading random PDFs you can find online like the Law of One, or stuff like chaos magick, even things you think you’re not interested in, just give it a shot and read. Don’t put it down.

So much better things to do than repeating the cycle of worthlessness that you’re in and a million of ways to go about it. Of course it won’t seem as appealing as that dopamine hit you think you’ll get, but, it doesn’t have to be. Long term it’s worth it, and short term too.

Ego dissolution, dopamine healing audios, self love & acceptance. Read books.

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The Devil Reversed

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Advice for self sabotage

Unstoppable Will Power

Capital Governance (yup tho its main or final purpose is to take to a destination of prosperity, success, abundance etc) it really organizes you, pushes you, inspires you, KEEPS you busy!! Etc and helps you focus from now at young age for a bright future

Higher self connection… then crucible

And loop the Devil in reverse to sleep

And of course Ojas

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Lol saw it after i posted :raised_hands:t3::two_hearts:

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paired with knight mindset perhaps

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For specific fields I’m not quite certain which ones are great to use in this case. If anything, most likely brain related. There’s an overcoming addiction field, a dopamine redux among others.

But one thing …

GET OFF OF YOUR PHONE.
Trust me.
I noticed that too, these days I’m using it too much again… And what am I doing in particular? Browsing social media, random YouTubeing for entertainment, chatting etc.
I’m using a site blocker already so in one day I’m not actually using many apps.

But tbh most people probably excessively use their phone. The brain is overloaded. Full stop.

So like you said, if you notice you keep grabbing your phone, or you want it even after just 30 minutes not using it, there’s an addiction that perpetuates other addictions.

If you use your phone, only do it with a purpose, like if you gotta Google sth on the spot. You could also use YouTube with a purpose. It’s just that in this environment, it’s easy to fall prey to the old habits.

You can try sth like, you can only check your phone every x hours and then limit usage time to y minutes. And if you don’t do it, you gotta do 100 pushups or sth.

This device can be your best friend or a devil in disguise. Use it wisely.

And i bet from there your other habits will slowly drop because it’s more of a hassle to open porn sites on a laptop. At which point you’ll feel bored and then start to build new habits that you acknowledge as actually useful for yourself in the long run, instead of these quick dopamine induced jerking off sessions or other stuff like that.

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Off-topic: But which site blocker do you like? (Looking for one myself. Android phone here.)

BlockSite I’m using

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Add the death card audio too from energetic alchemy

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Most definitely! Am a woman so can’t help on the nofap front, but everything else you have described is basically my last year. Things have definitely gotten better but I’m still at the phase where I have to constantly remain vigilant otherwise I easily fall back into old habits that have nothing good to offer me. But it does change over time and it is wonderful :)

Prior to finding SapienMed, the very first thing that has helped me was to be kinder to myself. Through the way we are taught, we get the impression that we need to talk harshly to ourselves in order to get a kick in the butt but my experience has been the contrary. When I realise I have not done what I set out to do, I take note, vow to do better and move on (I have used the phrase “I forgive myself for that” to good effect). And by not adding stress to a situation that is already in the past and that i can’t change, I have alleviated some compounded stress and found I had more energy and motivation to do more things.

Also, I have personally found that stopping negative things by increments has been more successful than vowing to stop cold turkey and only ending up disappointed and guilty because I didn’t. I set small goals and everytime I achieve them it gives me a +1 dopamine haha, which also goes towards helping with motivation. It also helps to get our subconscious to get used to the new habit without it being too drastic and further prompting some self-sabotage.

Another trick is to pick activities that are easy and to do them first thing in the morning. One such thing for me has been to do Qi Gong (the 30 days Qi Gong challenge DVD is really good for that because each exercise is only 7 minutes) and a 5 minute of positive visualisation (I call it imagination meditation). It seems to set the tone for the day, it’s been a real game changer. When I got used to those I added more lengthy ones and now I have 1 hour of good stuff to start my day (most days anyway :laughing: ).

When I want to do a reset to a less functional day, I take a piece of paper and I write at the top how I feel (with brutal honesty) and how I want to realistically feel at the bottom. Then I start at the top and find a sentence that is close to the first one but an improvement, one that I can buy. I write it down and maul it over a little bit, then write another one that’s close but again an improvement. I do this until I reach the bottom sentence (sometimes it takes more than one sheet haha).

Lastly I HIGHLY recommend the Ego Dissolution Meditation. In my experience, it’s one of the fastest way to get out of negative habits.

On the Sapienmed front, I have been using the point of no return stack in the morning (I have another one for evening) with some modification: I personally did not use the exorcise audio (didn’t feel I needed it) so I can’t vouch for it and have added both Overcome Any Addiction (I don’t have addictions per say but figured it might help with bad habits and to repair my neurons) and Brain Regeneration.

I wish you the best of “luck”, it’s not an easy place to be at the moment, but while it’s cold comfort for now, one day you’ll look back and will be grateful for the things you have learned that made you stronger. I hope you’ll post updates :heart:

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The Ascension Tag can help to push you through this. You will need to wear it 24/7 , probably for months. The Ascension Tag will not allow you to drop your vibration back to low for too long and will constantly push you back up. Again and again. It will be a painful process and looping the dopamine receptor fields and brain regeneration fields will help a lot.

When you come into flatline or feel an urge, you will need to instantly listen to Dopamine Redux in order to give your brain the dopamine dose it is conditioned to.
You will need to listen to Dopamine Redux everytime when you feel totally down und unmotivated as well as when you have the urge to do any of your bad habits.

Dopamine Redux is key for suviving the flatline and the time until your brain has healed and rewired yourself.

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Hello may I ask, what is this Audio for?

Which Audio are you asking about? (So that we can answer your question for you.)

“Death” by Sapien

Death. by Sapien

If you’re meaning the Death field by Energetic Alchemy (a second label of Sapien) this field helps us connects the the energy and information of the Death Tarot card. People use this information and energy in a variety of different ways.

Perhaps you’d enjoy reading our previous discussions about this field?

If there’s something about this discussions you don’t understand, feel free to ask a more detailed question in those threads!

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