Week 3 done and dusted. Intensity of butt-kicks: 7/10
I’ve been listening JAAJ’s new multi-stage self love stacks 1 and 2 together for these three weeks. Stage 1 stack in the early morning and stage 2 stack in the early evening. I meant to follow the rhytm and flow he laid out in his post but this combination just spoke to me. I never paid a lot of attention to trauma fields because I didn’t think I had any right to use that word about my adversities. Trauma was for soldiers and civilians in warzones, kids getting abused, parents who lost their child in a horrifying accident or women kidnapped by traffickers. Lil’ ol’ me didn’t have trauma, just… stuff. Well, trauma or not, turns out these fields are shaking things loose.
If the self love stacks are the answer to many questions asked on this forum, the trauma fields managed to dig up the answer to why I either can’t progress or do so at a glacial pace. The self-sabotage. The starting and stopping.
I can’t see my future. I can’t believe in it.
Here’s the thing. Let’s cut a life into sectors, yes? You’ll end up with maybe relationships, work, personal goals, health, financial stuff, spiritual stuff, whatever. The legos of our lives. In every sector I am far behind or the things I’ve done or haven’t done have made it sure that even if I reach the goal, that goal will be a bit tainted. Some examples:
Health. Ok, I get to my desired weight. Great. So great for my health. Genuinely. But I’ll have postural changes and bags of loose skin for the rest of my life.
Work. Let’s say I get that diploma and finally, finally I start to get longer stretches of employment. My age will work againts me. My pension will be miniscule. In any and every job interview I’ll be forced to explain the gaps that are years long. They are not stories I willingly tell or happenings I like to relive. It will get better but will it ever get good?
I’ll soldier on and I’ll do all the things but… there is no spark. There is nothing in the current future o’ mine that excites me or I can believe in strongly enough to really start FIGHTING for it. That’s the reason right there. I do things because I have to, like a good little automaton, without any real belief or fire.
That’s the aha! for this week. Now I’ll have to live with it or find a way to change it. There are tools but no vision.
From now on I’ll make an update once a month to record the stacks and results. I don’t think these musings are helpful to anyone else. I’ll stick with stages 1 and 2 for a while longer and then move on to 3 and 4.
