Not a big Russell fan but this is a good intro for my finishing entry in this journal. The way I see it… a harsh truth is not a forever-truth, not necessarily, because as you change so changes your world and your truth and the truth about you.
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Here, then, is my self love stack review as promised. On December 17th I finished my 42nd week on the regime. I’ll share the most significant changes that took place. Some I’ve already hinted at before. I didn’t take breaks other than 5-6 days during the summer when my father was battling Covid in the hospital and made no changes other than adding Resilience as the last song of every stack when it was released in March. Otherwise I followed the order and plan JAAJ came up with and did so diligently.
Old-timers will not be surprised by this: during the first weeks and months nothing much happened. I listened loyally day in and day out. After 2-3 months I noticed a tremendous amount of resistance to stacks 2 and 3. Especially 2. Solution? Fine, I thought to myself, and listened to stack 2 twice a day until it didn’t get a rise out of me. It was awful. Once things started unraveling it was like being stuck on a rollercoaster ride from hell. Suppressed memories I didn’t know I had. Hatred I didn’t know I had. A very cranky and resentful inner child I didn’t believe I had. More and more and more beliefs I hadn’t dealt with and attitudes that did not serve me. The discovery of being emotionally stunted. The realization that I do not love all the people I thought I loved and seeing clearly how much that has hurt me - and them. It was absolutely miserable. MISERABLE. Like, I wanted a cutesy Hello Kitty waste basket with not much to sort through and ended up wading across an apocalyptic wasteland. I ate like an asshole and burnt some bridges. Like I said, it was miserable.
The most significant changes that happened are, in order of importance, discovering the root cause for my binge-eating and weight issues, learning to side with myself and also becoming brave enough to dream bigger dreams. These are all long stories so I’ll share the first one. It starts with a suppressed memory that changed everything.
Imagine a kid living on a farmhouse in a Nordic country. It’s winter, a nice crisp one that makes your cheeks sting when you’re outside, and the kid is playing in the snow. A car drives to the yard and strangers come out. They go inside, chat with the adults of the family and promptly leave. The kid runs inside and asks who they were. Guess what the adults do? They lie that NO ONE CAME BY. No car, no strangers. This memory ends with the kid back outside, hiding in a snow castle, bawling their eyes out and being terrified that they’re crazy. I mean… who sees ghost cars? And why would the adults lie?
This is important because all my life long I’ve had this simmering anger. Not the kind of anger that lashes out, no. Slow-burning acidic anger. A constant background hum of disappointment, suspicion and a need to keep other people away. This has made me suffer. Some layers I’ve peeled away successfully but I’ve never gotten rid of that anger. IT IS ALWAYS THERE. I’m just SO ANGRY, ALWAYS. Well, turns out that lying about things was the norm in our household. If the adults felt something wasn’t any of my business, they gaslighted me and went as far as to lie that things simply hadn’t happened. I grew up to be anxious (“Am I crazy?”), angry (“I can’t trust this world or others or even my own eyes!”) and very introverted (“why bother?”). I never understood because as an adult I never remembered. It is a terrifying thing to feel that you’re seeing things that simply aren’t there and getting told off for talking about them.
I ate because it was the only way to deal with those feelings. I ate, and pushed everyone further and further away. Mental pain being transformed into physical pain via very slow food-induced suicide. In many ways it was easier to deal with the physical discomfort than the closed fists and gritted teeth. Morbid obesity. Shame. Isolation. And… more anger. Always, always more anger.
I genuinely did not remember! It gets so much worse but this, dear negentropic internet beings, is the root cause. At last there is an understanding between me and the heaping platefuls. I don’t need them anymore. I’m not crazy and one of these days I’m not going to be angry anymore. It will be interesting to see if the weight comes off easier after this. I hope it does. I don’t need that body armor anymore. That’s what it is - armor. A way of keeping that scared kid at an arm’s length at all times because the family issues and dynamics were so painful and strange.
Next year, I want to be done with these extra kilos. Healthy body will most likely help with energetic pursuits as well. I’ll get Manhattan Method and hit the books extra hard. I’ll fight for myself. My goals are a better job, a “normal” weight and a more dedicated spiritual practice.
@JAAJ tuhannesti kiitoksia, Sir, for the stacks. Everyone else, if you’re interested, don’t let my experience scare you away. Give the stacks a go and see what happens. You won’t regret it.
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That is a Powerful Quote!!
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. Thanks for sharing your journey