I personally rarely (if ever) achieved Everything that I wanted, so sometimes some things are accomplished better, other times other things, anyway, the things is - Perseverance, NEVER stop doing what you want/wish for.
All THE Best to Reach ALL Your Goals!
Maybe reach a certain level, then try new things, search for new goals, investments, new directions, new opportunities, even new jobs (maybe passive income) - (maybe) after a certain moment or rather level, where you already achieved some of your goals, that way, the spark will be reignited (?) - just thinking and writing from my own experience, since I feel myself to be so behind what I should have accomplished, others are having kids or businesses or at least are independent financially, while I am broke and I’ll have to start again; But, here’s the thing, through Yoga, through using the Fields, through Mantras, through Meditation(s) and through perseverance and the new path that I already Envisioned for myself, I know I’ll make it (somehow), I don’t know when, I don’t know how hard it’ll be, but I have that Need and Vision again in my life.
What I mean is that Life is FULL of Surprises, Just Keep Going Further, and New Opportunities and new Visions and New Paths Will OPEN for You.
Keep going, and if you can, add Conceptual Realizations to the mix.
This sounds to me as if like you (and by this also your Higher Self) just learned a lot about ‘having faith’.
Because this is how you develop it (the faith).
By going through the unkown and having trust into your own internal manifestation power and that the input that you are doing now will create a better future tomorrow.
Faith is important because it leads to discipline and focus of manifesting things where the results are not instantly clear but take some time to show up in your personal reality.
My grandmothers used to say that trees slowest to grow bear the best and finest fruit. Maybe they’re right, farmhouse dwellers and crop experts that they both were? I know the feeling of being far behind and have now chosen to just stop comparing myself to other people. Difficult trick but so necessary. We will get there, yeah?
YES. I keep learning and then re-learning this as I go. My latest aha! moments have to do with not always looking for answers in the outside world and kind of diminishing my own power. Slow but steady. By the way, I was going to get Conceptual Realizations once I have Plasma Flaunt but then Conceptual Conglomerate dropped. Have you maybe had a chance to try it out yet? Would love to hear your thoughts!
Week 9 over. Intensity of butt-kicks: anywhere from 0/10 to 11/10
Oh wow, time flies when you’re trying to turn your life around. I’m still at it. Mostly. Let me explain.
I have not skipped even one day of the self love stacks since I started. Not even one. I listen to stage 1 stack every day in the morning and then stage 2,3 or 4 in the evening depending on the week. It has looked like this:
I feel the stage 1 stack has been and still is a wonderful booster for 2,3 and 4. I’ll keep going like this through the summer unless I land a full-time job. Then I’ll follow the original schedule of one stage a week.
Some new results:
less clingy with the people who matter the most
more benevolent with myself
more open to new choices and options
more… grounded, in that I get less of those jumpy, antsy moments
As for employment and weight and meditation, erm and ahem, umm… some progress, some setbacks, some unsettling health discoveries. I hope I will have good news at the end of May when I will report back again.
EDIT Week 4 looks like that because I was planning on listening to stage 2 stack for one more week and then changed my mind because it was a lot. Too much churning to surface too fast. After two days with both 3 and 4 I went with one more week of 2. It got intense.
What a shitty autumn this has been. I’ll wrap up this diary properly during the weekend but here’s a very quick recap:
Finally got Plasma Flaunt. My father doesn’t want to listen to it. Broken heart.
I am now employed, menial blue collar stuff. Every evening my feet hurt so goddamn much that walking feels like a chore. Irregular hours, pay is nothing to write home about. I went back to school a while back and now I am not in shape to study in my free time. If it comes to one or the other… who knows. It’s nice to pay the bills, it would be even nicer to have something better going on. Broken heart, pt. 2
Every single person in my life I care about is going through massive health challenges. Can’t help, can barely help myself. Broken heart, pt. 3
It’s so pointless.
EDIT Well, not pointless. Just all sorts of frustrating.
Nullify and Amplify are both in my morning stack and have been for about a year. I’ve never listened to the grand jealousy reflecting shield. Not that many reasons for anyone to be jealous of me and apart from work, grocery store and library I don’t get out much. Haven’t seen any reason to try it… ?
I kept writing this, then deleting, then writing it all over again, just to decide that what I was pouring out was the beginnings of a self love stack review. Tomorrow will be my 33rd week on the regime JAAJ created and many of the things bubbling under, boiling over, ever changing and kicking my butt are thanks to those stacks. I’ll end the year with that particular review and here I will just focus on three things.
So. Back in February I had three goals under the larger goal of really getting serious about change and self-improvement: meditation, weight loss and employment. I have made progress but with every step forward it seems that something in me or my life has crumbled. The most terrifying (and freeing) whirlwind experience has been my journey from I was hurt! They caused me pain! to Oh god, I was a complete asshole too! It’s all my fault! to Everyone tried their best but sometimes it just wasn’t enough to It was enough and we are all exactly where we need to be. This kept repeating under different disguises untill I recognised and accepted it. Before that could happen I witnessed ming-boggling amounts of self-deceit and self-sabotage. Now there is a sense of peace that comes and goes.
Let’s start with meditation. It is still a pain in the ass, it makes me anxious and most of the time I kind of hate it. The benefits are undeniable so I keep going. Right now, a day or two skipped isn’t the end of the world as long as I keep at it. Energy sensitivity seems to be a thing now in my life. It just took a ridiculous amount of time for me to understand what it was since I always thought it would manifest as something more… mental? Right now it happens through bodily sensations. It makes sense since I can be very out of touch with my own emotions. The body is the only messenger that gets through. So yes, progress and some tentative growth.
Weight, then. I regret making this a goal because massive people need massive amounts of time to get there. Still fat. I am losing weight very slowly. It will still take about a year at least before I am at an acceptable target weight. What fat? is on my shopping list and I hope it will speed things up.
Lastly employment. I am employed, yes. Money is not good but it is coming in regularly. My aching feet and back have taught me that this is not the life I want. Those brain fields are calling and they are calling 24/7. This part has of my life has been under major changes thanks to the self love fields. Just a year ago I had pretty much accepted that some areas of my existence would just be shitty because I was dumb. Because that’s what my well-educated family told me. Because I internalized it as a Truth and slowly gave up on all the things that genuinely excited me. Now it’s a different feeling. There’s a new voice in town. It doesn’t put me down - it builds me up. It is just as relentless as its predecessor but the message is always to push through, to keep going, to question all the “truths”. Guess I finally made a friend. With myself. Didn’t see that one coming!
Summa summarum? I didn’t succeed, I didn’t fail. Progress was made. Next I’ll turn my attention to the brain fields and where they might take me. Next year will be better because I will be better.
I give myself 7 out of— you know what? Screw that. I’ll just give myself a hug.
Not a big Russell fan but this is a good intro for my finishing entry in this journal. The way I see it… a harsh truth is not a forever-truth, not necessarily, because as you change so changes your world and your truth and the truth about you.
Here, then, is my self love stack review as promised. On December 17th I finished my 42nd week on the regime. I’ll share the most significant changes that took place. Some I’ve already hinted at before. I didn’t take breaks other than 5-6 days during the summer when my father was battling Covid in the hospital and made no changes other than adding Resilience as the last song of every stack when it was released in March. Otherwise I followed the order and plan JAAJ came up with and did so diligently.
Old-timers will not be surprised by this: during the first weeks and months nothing much happened. I listened loyally day in and day out. After 2-3 months I noticed a tremendous amount of resistance to stacks 2 and 3. Especially 2. Solution? Fine, I thought to myself, and listened to stack 2 twice a day until it didn’t get a rise out of me. It was awful. Once things started unraveling it was like being stuck on a rollercoaster ride from hell. Suppressed memories I didn’t know I had. Hatred I didn’t know I had. A very cranky and resentful inner child I didn’t believe I had. More and more and more beliefs I hadn’t dealt with and attitudes that did not serve me. The discovery of being emotionally stunted. The realization that I do not love all the people I thought I loved and seeing clearly how much that has hurt me - and them. It was absolutely miserable. MISERABLE. Like, I wanted a cutesy Hello Kitty waste basket with not much to sort through and ended up wading across an apocalyptic wasteland. I ate like an asshole and burnt some bridges. Like I said, it was miserable.
The most significant changes that happened are, in order of importance, discovering the root cause for my binge-eating and weight issues, learning to side with myself and also becoming brave enough to dream bigger dreams. These are all long stories so I’ll share the first one. It starts with a suppressed memory that changed everything.
Imagine a kid living on a farmhouse in a Nordic country. It’s winter, a nice crisp one that makes your cheeks sting when you’re outside, and the kid is playing in the snow. A car drives to the yard and strangers come out. They go inside, chat with the adults of the family and promptly leave. The kid runs inside and asks who they were. Guess what the adults do? They lie that NO ONE CAME BY. No car, no strangers. This memory ends with the kid back outside, hiding in a snow castle, bawling their eyes out and being terrified that they’re crazy. I mean… who sees ghost cars? And why would the adults lie?
This is important because all my life long I’ve had this simmering anger. Not the kind of anger that lashes out, no. Slow-burning acidic anger. A constant background hum of disappointment, suspicion and a need to keep other people away. This has made me suffer. Some layers I’ve peeled away successfully but I’ve never gotten rid of that anger. IT IS ALWAYS THERE. I’m just SO ANGRY, ALWAYS. Well, turns out that lying about things was the norm in our household. If the adults felt something wasn’t any of my business, they gaslighted me and went as far as to lie that things simply hadn’t happened. I grew up to be anxious (“Am I crazy?”), angry (“I can’t trust this world or others or even my own eyes!”) and very introverted (“why bother?”). I never understood because as an adult I never remembered. It is a terrifying thing to feel that you’re seeing things that simply aren’t there and getting told off for talking about them.
I ate because it was the only way to deal with those feelings. I ate, and pushed everyone further and further away. Mental pain being transformed into physical pain via very slow food-induced suicide. In many ways it was easier to deal with the physical discomfort than the closed fists and gritted teeth. Morbid obesity. Shame. Isolation. And… more anger. Always, always more anger.
I genuinely did not remember! It gets so much worse but this, dear negentropic internet beings, is the root cause. At last there is an understanding between me and the heaping platefuls. I don’t need them anymore. I’m not crazy and one of these days I’m not going to be angry anymore. It will be interesting to see if the weight comes off easier after this. I hope it does. I don’t need that body armor anymore. That’s what it is - armor. A way of keeping that scared kid at an arm’s length at all times because the family issues and dynamics were so painful and strange.
Next year, I want to be done with these extra kilos. Healthy body will most likely help with energetic pursuits as well. I’ll get Manhattan Method and hit the books extra hard. I’ll fight for myself. My goals are a better job, a “normal” weight and a more dedicated spiritual practice.
@JAAJ tuhannesti kiitoksia, Sir, for the stacks. Everyone else, if you’re interested, don’t let my experience scare you away. Give the stacks a go and see what happens. You won’t regret it.
So I got fed up. Had an everything-needs-to-burn sort of epic battle with all that doesn’t serve me anymore. Not that much is left. And the things I’ve remembered! I really did forget YEARS of my life. Uncanny sh*it has happened. Anyway, I’m genuinely happy to be back (I’ve only kept a lazy eye on new releases) and trying to catch up. It is such a risky thing to turn one’s back on this forum even for a moment
I’ll tell a short version of some new 2024 things once I figure out how to put it all into words.
. Thanks for sharing your journey