What to do when you are so disconnected to your body and spirit since early childhood?

Spirituality
#1

I think I am in a weird state of not knowing what I am anymore. Recently I realized that I have been so disconnected to my body and spirit that I am disintegrating. I had no life goals for decades, because I did’t have interests in ordinary life. But what is there if I did not want an ordinary life? I believe such disconnection happened very early in my childhood. And mentally I refused to grow up to face myself and take any responsibility. Even though I am now in late thirties, I look and behave like a twenty something boy.

I thought I was interested in spiritual things, but I never stick to a thing for too long. Because I was just consuming things to distract myself from not knowing what I wanted, and what I was. I got myself into some spiritual troubles in the past. I also sought to a psychiatrist, but a decade of antidepressant and sleeping pills is not the way out.

I don’t like my body. I don’t like physically demanding tasks, and I just avoided physical activities at all costs. And as a result, I am weak both mentally and physically. I didn’t know how do deal with my body. And this caused so much frustration in sex that I am haunted by this.

Recently I found the part of me that I have disconnected to is really dark and violent. Actually it’s been like this ever since I had consciousness, but I just ignored myself. And I wanted power to abuse so bad. I would have been freaked out had this happened last year, but now I just know I should be a bad guy, but I can’t feel sorry for this anymore. Sometimes I tapped into the abyss of myself, and I felt that I should seek dark things and magick to realize myself.

I am less and less being me. And I don’t know how long will I last. My body and spirit don’t approve myself. I even make myself possessed to further weaken my will. I had no idea how I did this, and I did not know how to communicate with whatever is myself or whatever I invoked.

I think the above does not make any sense at all. Maybe it’s just all in my head, and I made it up. There is no such thing as disconnected within oneself. Perhaps. Maybe I just went nuts.

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#2

Believe it or not I can relate a lot to that. In MY opinion you should never feel sorry about who you are. If you believe that you are a bad guy own it. But for me it looks more like you desperately search for your true self and have to examine and accept your shadowside.

Maybe

is the way to go for you. I´ve done stuff in the past that most people would consider cruel and “dark magick” and I´m not proud of that. But I don´t feel guilty or ashamed for it anymore, it was a necessary part of my journey. I´ve learned to accept my darkness and take control over it so it works for me not the other way round.
I felt completely disconnected from myself and my body at that time just like you, hated physical activities and was sexually repressed. For me it was a way out of complete powerlesness but only the first step on the journey to myself.

You have selfawareness at least to some degree. So you are not nuts imo. I would suggest trauma/self love fields and the following. Don´t know if anything of this helps but I hope so. Best of luck for you!

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#3

Thank you so much. This means a lot for me. I think I was just way too ignorant so far.

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#4

As far as i percieve what you write you have only one fear. Perhaps same as me thats why i connect with it. You have fear of your own energy, your own force, your own power. That is why you want to be weak and haunted, you still dont know what to do with your energy when you have it. And the feeling of dissconnetcton ist sth perfectly normal.
The beings in controll of our planet now want you to feel that way and to dig deep in the shit. 70% of what you feel that you are is a man/alien made illusion. And you now why you suffer? because believe it or not you are a special strong being inside and that is why you are being attacked. Take what ive written as an open opinion. One more thing. How is the weather where you live?

Good luck!

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#5

The weather where I live now is sunny and windy currently. Thank you for reading all my nonsense.

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#6

Welcome!
You can do following thing if you want. First charge yourself. microcosmic orbit and pranayama one loop each, 2 loops chi (both of them), 2 loops jing, then see how you feel. if you have energy and want to speak or do dark stuff simply use in that same moment the negative energy/clearin enteties audio for 2 loops, then repel negativity.

if this goes furhter afterwards then im wrong about you if not then you ll know what to do

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#7

@Sarumann33 I have been using Negentropic Jig/Chi/Shen for a month, 3 loops a day. Thanks for your suggestion to add microcosmic orbit and pranayama, I may try this later.

@anon75179789 Thanks for your suggestions. I think I may make a playlist of these, and try them out.

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#9

@Sarumann33 It seems that there is a popular conspiracy theory of the matrix thing. I have no affinity to this conspiracy, but I don’t disparage it either. It’s just not my concern. I know that one should take what is percieved from darkness with a big pinch of salt, or just assume those to be lies. But in my gnosis, this speaking person who is now worrying this disconnection choose to be like this very early on. To a certain extent, I am born to be disconnected and self-sabotaging, or in popular conspiracy, voluntarily choose to be fooled and powerless, but not being attacked. In this regard, I am disintegrating by default because parts of me are just incompatible. It’s just my problem, not the world’s problem, I think.

This is now again in the nonsense realm. I am sorry. Thank you again for your advice and opinion.

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#10

everything is a choise. i didnt believe in darkness, in alien/man agendas, but then become very ill and began reseach and also observation of what happens arround me, i feel almost the same things and have met almost the same choises as you.

But. here comes the idea that we as energy being take energy trough our feet arms and so on, i took the energy awakening course and then felt and heal also today one block on my navel. There is the detachment, the lack of joy , the lack of confidence in your own strength. all. very difficult to heal for i was also crushed from my enviroment when i was born, then decided to be of small energy to endure.

Do you know i became allways anxious and unbalanced when “horny” then whent to masturbate to level all. That was my way to keep my wisdom/coolheadedness, i didnt want the chaos. And went to “pleasure” my self , was very into it until the enviroment of my new home destroyed what was left of my weakend self. Then began Sapien and so on.

I am not trying to save you from nothing. I am trying to make you look under the curtains. And then see whether your choises are still coherent.

Ive ignored even more than you. believe me.

the idea to place micro/pranayama is that they clear very quicky your energy an then recieve the jing/shen and so on. completely other feeling.

perhaps to you nonsense, to me you make alot of sense…just like that :laughing:

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#11

you chose that because of deffence mechanism not to being attacked. not because you really wanted to, believe me, but as you say it happened very early on.

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#12

@Sarumann33 OMG. You are describing what I have been doing for decades… How is it possible?

#13

This reminds me of something I´ve read in a book about cPTSD.
There are 4 Types of dealing with a threat:Fight, Flight,Freeze or in this case fawn. Your young version chose beeing fooled/powerless bc it gives a false sense of security of not beeing attacked in the first place. Maybe I am projecting my own stuff here so just a thought…

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#14

Hi again!
because i had the same life, perhaps i am built energetically same as you are. But that last complete conclusion (about me afraid of having any kind of normal energy more than none)came yesterday. We know more about it as the others. I and you. but the information was given to us in a very fragile age, perhaps the lack of love in early age made us diffensless but also not so dense as others.

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#15

so my only motivation left in this world is to heal my wunds and try (and succseed) to make my enviroment so clear that it allows me to be me but with the energy. and i should and do learn to controll it to be aware of it… you cannot imagine the quantitiy of illusion about everything about my life i have uncovered and cleared…about the peple that seemed my people, about my interests, thoughts, fears i thought were mine, about my motives and urges…everything is and stays a program. unfortunately so because i am on the 0 level and i dont know what and where…but decided to accept that new truth and surve me and others as well as i am allowed to or can.

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#16

no your are not. we have similar issues. perhaps the diference lays in the lands where we come from or when those traumas have happened.

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#17

From reading your post above this one I feel like yes!

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#18

Well, actually I don’t understand what you are trying to say anymore. Perhaps some day I’ll understand that. :slightly_smiling_face:

#19

will keep it simple: your are poisoned from a very define negative energy from a very early age, your higher self or soul have locked you to protect you, you are super inteligent and understand what happens and are allowing your self to be low life as a deffence so nobody will feed upon you.
Better?

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#20

i imagine a world where there is not this poison of today and feed of of this idea to survive, wondering what it would be…and perhaps what will I be…more interestingly perhaps…

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#21

thank you both for the nice conversation. wish you the best possible outcomes of your current situations!

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