Yes! You “should” (I hate that word, “should”) be! I say that in an excited and celebratory way for you. Really, really good for you! I think it’s wonderful that you are so strong that you’ve decided to be no longer burdened by the conditions you just shared with us and whatever had been causing them for you. That’s such a powerful decision.
And I think it’s wonderful that you’ve realized that there can be (and there is!) more to your life than what you had been experiencing. That’s so creative and expansive of your outlook. I say “creative” because of your willingness to see your situation in a new way, a way that’s different from the ways you had been willing to see it. That’s a rare and uncommon gift.
And I am celebrating how you are showing up for yourself in this decision for yourself, how you love yourself enough to heal yourself so you can enjoy the more that your life has on offer to you.
And I’m celebrating your wisdom in realizing that, whilst you are the person with the power to heal yourself, it can be quite helpful, beneficial and even easier when you have an experienced and knowledgeable guide accompanying you on your path.
So, so much to celebrate and to be proud of yourself about, and I hope you spend more and more of your time focusing on this side of the equation.
I understand. And isn’t it kind of common to be scared when we try something new?
So, let me share an interesting thing with you: Did you know that the physiological reactions in your body (which might include things like rapid heart rate; an active, maybe unsettled sensation in your stomach; sweaty palms; physical agitation or restlessness; etc.) are the same physiological reactions we experience when we’re “scared” and when we’re “excited” (in a good way)? Did you know that? There’ve been many, many (good) studies showing this to be true for everyone.
Why is this important?, you might ask. Once the scientists discovered this, they soon learned that what people do is have their physiological sensations and then they look around their experience to find out and figure out what their sensations mean. IOW, we don’t have the emotion which then produces the physiological sensations. We have our physiological sensations and then we add a meaning to those sensations. “I’m feeling this and this and this, so that must mean my emotion is X.” BUT…what if we’re mistaken? What if what we had decided is “fear” is actually “excitement”? Let that sink in for a little bit.
Now, those scientists took these thoughts one step farther. They learned that if they changed our reasons for deciding our label for our emotions, our emotions actually changed, too.
So, as you’re feeling your “scared” (and, again, that’s understandable; there would be quite appropriate for you to do that), just ask yourself (in an open-ended way, without using your brain to answer it) “What if this is actually ‘excitement’ that I’m feeling?” and notice how your experience changes.
There’s a bunch I want to say about this little piece right here.
Although it’s sort of out of academic order of discussion, THE MOST IMPORTANT POINT of my reply is, whatever “it” was, YOU HAVE ALREADY SURVIVED IT. It did its worst and you are here to tell the tale of that. Not only have you survived, but you are strong, powerful, self-caring, self-loving, showing up for yourself, creatively looking beyond your past, making wise decisions in your favor…all the things we just discussed. So, you have already been victorious over whatever your “it” was. Let that sink in. Really, really let that sink in for you.
So, here’s the thing. Therapy is very different from “reminiscing,” so you won’t be doing that thing that you’re scared of. Depending on what kind of therapy you’ll be engaging with, might you become more conscious of certain things? Probably, but one of the things that could be (because I’m not your therapist) causing you your problems is that there could be a part of you that is already extremely conscious of those things but not conscious of the good things (like how you’ve survived or your strength, wisdom, love that you have for yourself). IOW, this thing that you’re scaring yourself with (and it’s all right, if you might be doing that) has already been going on. Now, you’re going to get help in getting more beneficial perspectives for both you and for whatever part of you is involved.
And you can accomplish that greater and more helpful consciousness without necessarily “reliving” the details of any experience. So, it can be very different from “reminiscing,” you see?
At that point in time, in that distant past, when you made your choice, you were a very different person–with skills, knowledge and abilities–than you are now. I mean, look at what was your definition of a happy event for you when you were 2 or 5 or 10 vs. what your current definition of a happy event for you is now. When I was 2, my idea of “the most fun” gift was a big box with bright wrapping paper I could tear off. Now, I have an understanding that small boxes can hold extremely satisfying gifts for me.
So, yes, you made your choice and the choice that you made was the smartest, wisest choice you could’ve made at that time, knowing what you then knew with the skills that you had then. But, now, you are a different person, with many skills and powers (that we discussed just a moment ago) that you’ve acquired since then. And from your now perspective, you might now choose to move your understanding of “it” into a more helpful, resourceful place where you can now choose to truly forget it again because you will have finally left it in the past, where it belongs. (Rather than carrying it around with you, as you’ve become used to doing.)
It doesn’t have to be.
And if you do have a few painful moments, that’s a lot better than the pain you had been having that you described for us, isn’t it?
Your playlist looks good. If I was going to add anything, I’d add [New Release] Amygdala Healing (+ Fear Release) (because of what you’re feeling now) and Become whole: self acceptance/self love/ dissolve insecurities. If you’re concerned that your stack will become too long (from all of our suggestions), you might want to consider dropping The Archetype of Parental Love because The Alchemical Revision of Childhood might do what you need on that score.
I’m cheering you on, and you’re off to a really good start!