Good morning Sapiens,
A friend suggested I try this page out…figured I’d give it a whirl. Been riding a hellacious wave for a while. It’s the price I have paid for multiple mushroom trips and kicking off what has been described to me as a kundalini awakening. It’s as if every fault I have was brought to the surface and multiplied by a thousand. It maximized my anxiety levels, and had me chasing dopamine hits through an old crutch - sex/lust. The harder I have fought, the more my mind has craved it, to the point where it’s undoubtedly an addiction. It clouds my judgment. When I act upon these desires, I get a payoff, but the fallout is that whatever that energy is, can be activated and surge through with a reckoning that leaves me pained and weak, and mentally dragging.
I have gone months without, but seem to be pulled back in a cyclical nature. I am in a longstanding relationship and unbeknownst to my partner, they are part of the problem. Where there is a lack of intimacy and in soul connection, we make up for those shortcomings with sex. I love them, but I am no longer in love with them. Nor do I foresee a future in which we exist. I’d love to break it off, but I have received signs that show that triggers a series of unpleasantries, suicide on their part. Now, is that my own fears being reflected back to me, I don’t know. But the signs are constant and unwavering. I get right up to the point where I may break it off, but the universe essentially screams at me and pushes me off the path. Not allowed to do what I wish to do, I turn to sexual fantasy involving her, which consequently turns to apathy, anxiety, anger and depression.
It’s a brutal cycle. Suicide has been suggested as a solution, but I don’t want that. There are many facets of life that are beautiful. Before I was stuck in this loop, I enjoyed life a lot, though I will freely admit, sex has always been my Achilles Heel. I have done many good things in this world, but my addiction to sex is perhaps what keeps me from being great. It’s a gigantic mountain to climb, but I am willing to start today, Day 1. I’d love to hear some feedback from any Sapien Medicine forum folks that have encountered similar trials, or perhaps anyone who has been stuck in a maddening cycle for a year or more.
God/the Universe has sent a few angels my way to help with the problem, making my life feel Truman-Show esque. It really does feel like everyone is a actor/character and I’m just playing a role. Well, if I am to choose a role, I’d prefer not to play the role of the lustful vampire who is seeking flesh on a daily basis. But I’d also like to be my authentic self and not be stuck. Thanks for listening.
Yours truly,
LetsTrySomethingNew
