Thanks brosky. 
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Damn, today and yesterday, I have been really emotional. For some weeks now, as I had told @Maoshan_Wanderer, and some other friends, I have only been able to sleep 4 or 5 hours a day. (Mostly 4) I wake up soaked in sweat (Musky strong sweat smell lol), because it’s so hot, and I wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep. I usually just spam the NGF field for some plays in a row, and I would be fine. I mean, there would sometimes still be like a hint of cloudiness in my mind, but I would just writ it off. Plus, I know how to manipulate my emotions pretty good(I’ve been doing it when I visualize, and it feels so real that I cry so hard, just being so grateful that it is done.)
It’s been going on like for 2-3 weeks already. But yesterday, I spammed the NGF, and it just wasn’t working like how it usually does. I felt ‘off.’ Like I could tell, the lack of sleep and cortisol was catching up with me. Like I wasn’t able to manipulate my emotions anymore (Might have been due to the lack or dopamine/serotonin and etc.) and I blew up in a huge rage at a couple of close friends, some family members, and another loved one. I even burnt some bridges. Then today, I felt so guilty for blowing up at these angels in my life, that I’d broken down crying so hard. (I always cry out of happiness and gratefulness, but haven’t cried over sadness since I was a little kid.) I just felt horrible. I apologized to all of them. It was when I had broken down so hard, thinking about how sweet they have been to me, and didn’t deserve it… I guess the built-up cortisol from the lack of sleep + the extremely hot weather really brought me to my breaking point. I had literally been so happy for the last couple of weeks, and felt like I was on top of the world… It really fucked up my energy. Now I realize how important good quality REM sleep is, at least for me.
Edit: One of my good bros forgave me. 
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Man, today was awesome! I had a deep convo with this Indian guy at this gas station I go to, his name is Ismael. And he never talked to me before. He gave me some awesome spiritual insight, and the energy that exuded from it, made me feel so happy. Just the connection. No I am not gay btw. Lmao. I also started talking to this guy that worked at the Plasma place. He tried talking to him before, but he seemed like he didn’t wanna talk to me. So I was like "Screw it, he doesn’t wanna talk to me, I am not going to beg for a ‘dude’ to talk to me. " So today, he was standing there all the way quiet and tryna to avoid eye contact(Sometimes people are intimidated by the way I look, so I always tell them things like “Thank you” or “Excuse me” and etc. so they know I am not a threat and they have my respect.) But I said fuck my ego, and started making a convo about some things, and he started to open up. And we had a full blown convo, about Latin culture and even shared some funny stories about Puerto Rican Ex’s 
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And language apps and just shooting the shit. I also had a great connection with this old school black guy named Michael. And he said anytime I wanna use the gym where he works for free, he got me. Also, he told me he got me on a new movie coming up, and I get to see it before it comes out. Also Baseball games and etc.! It’s crazy. I used to only talk to girls I was attracted too, but now I try to talk literally with everyone. People I am attracted to, people I am not attracted to, dudes, females, whatever. It helps me be more witty and funny, and just enjoy socializing all together. For guys and gals struggling with social anxiety, try talking to everyone! Then you will get used to it, and you will no longer be nervous talking to someone who is attractive to you, because they will just be like everyone else. And yes, ‘faking it until you make it’ really works with this. Know why? Your subconscious will get used to the repetitive patterns of you constantly being social, and your neurotransmitters and hormones will follow suit! And now, instead of being anti-social(I was never nervous around people, I was just naturally not ‘friendly.’), I force myself to just make the first words with people, and a earnest smile goes a long way. And usually after that, convo flows easily, with no matter who it is. Dude, female, etc etc. Also, with being social, one must just say “Fuck the ego” Lol. Like, how I had done at first with my first mindset, “Screw him, I am not going to beg his ass to talk to me…I ain’t gay lol” But I realized, it was because he was like introverted, and possibly intimidated. This is majority of people. In society, most people are so deep in their heads, and programmed about ‘talking to strangers’ that we are conditioned to avoid contact with people we don’t know. The only drawback I’d seen from myself, is that women there thought I was trying to flirt with them, even though my comments were funny but neutral to all of them, except one. I could tell they would get in their feelings and not joke and kid with me like last time. Or like sneak peaks, not thinking I am using my peripheral 24/7 no matter where I am at. 
And when I ask them “Did I do something?” They give off a nervous laughter like “Nooo, of course not.” But oh well, that’s not my fault. When I talk to people, it’s like I have known them my whole life. Like they are a family member. Like everything is a detective game. I try to find some fun and interesting things about everyone that I talk to. And man, it’s really awesome. Also, smiling and having fun has like tons and tons of benefits. Google it if ya don’t believe me. I am finally bouncing back from all that negativity.
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Holy shit its christmas!!! so many things released
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Today is going to be a greeaaaat day! 
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Today was the day! I went sky diving today, and it was such an awesome experience. I can’t say a 100% that it’s the Flight-to-Fight audio, but I am sure it had helped some. It was an hour drive there, and going on my way there… I had very few thoughts in my head. One of them was like “What if I am that ‘1’ in 555,000 that dies?” 
Then I was just like, “Shit, if I die today, then so be it. I would rather deal with the uncertainty of death, then to not have experience how it feels to jump out of a plane.” I used to have a HUGE fear of heights. Used to say when I was a little kid(I wanted to be a Navy SEAL, but became a criminal miscreant instead lol) It has always been a dominating fear of mine. But I didn’t feel like I was going to die for some reason. But I remember that feeling of nonchalance to death. (A friend had gifted me with Blue Tara, and I’ve been using P.I.'s 7 stages of Ego death faithfully, along with spamming Anger Management, and the latter one is the last piece to the rest of the wholesome stack I’ve been missing.) I am changing for the better, and it’s a snowball effect. But I’ve been using some of these fields for almost a year already. Haha, I’d talked with the young couple that went before me, tryna cheer them up. He looked gloomy lol so I yelled out, “Go get it bro! Not shit!” I think that gave them both umpth, because they had like a little hopeful smile. They came back, and they said it wasn’t that bad. Guess it worked. Lol
So my group was up next. So like, a ‘couple’ (so I thought at first, but they didn’t even talk too much. I think they were siblings.) The two girls were hella chatty, and it was as if we were long lost friends. Lol I talked to the dude too since he was quiet, and he seemed like a chilled laid-back surfer guy. I really liked his positive energy, though he didn’t say much. He didn’t seem scared. I was even telling people I was scared, so they didn’t take my physique and tatts as intimidating. And for some reason, I had zero butterflies. Even going up there(the scenery is so beautiful), I had zero butterflies. We were all kidding and laughing. I can’t lie, for a split second my ego got mad that it was a dude that was strapped to me(where the Amazon women at? lol jeez) and he was like “Get on my lap.” Lol. I was like 
But Anger Management makes me not take things too serious anymore. Like, I don’t attach to things anymore. I been doing really good. So I yelled out, as a joke “Final Destination 8, cast here we are!” Not sure if they heard me. 
So the girl jumped first, and she was really really cool people lol. Then when it was my turn to go, I forgot to tie my shoes in a double knot as they had said. (I was so stoked I’d missed when they said it? lol) So I pulled my feet back into the airplane. He was like at first “Naw!” I am like “Shit got me fucked up, you ain’t gonna buy me a new pair of Nikes” lol Excuse my French. So I started to tie my shoes. And at first he was like “Come on!” Under his breath.
But he told me to not rush, as I was doing because I was eager to jump already and see how it feels. So we got ready. When we are at the edge, they tell us to hold on to our straps on our chest first, while forcing our legs back towards our back. Until he taps me, then that’s when I raise my arms over my head. So as I got ready, I really honestly felt nothing. I remember like for a couple of seconds at the base(Or whatever you call it) I had slight butterflies, but I blocked them outta my head. And they never came back, which was surprising. The most jarring part, I feel is when you barely jump out. Seems I am doing hella ninja flips and stuff. But it’s only for a few seconds. Then you are going full-blown freefall down at 120 mph for some seconds(it’s what they say, not sure). Then, he pulls the chute, and we jerk up fast into the air. I remember I was yelling and so excited, that I accidently grabbed my dive pilots handles for the brakes! (Thinking it was my straps because I was so stoked!) He was like “Oh no! Don’t grab these. This is dangerous. Oh my God. I never had this happened.” He went on like this for maybe a little while, tryna fix it and still saying shit like that. 
As I looked down upon the BEAUTIFUL scenery (Mostly grassland and some houses, but nonetheless breathtaking form up there), I started reflecting on the situation at hand. So I was like in my head, "Lol, You janky mf. You’d joked around about “Final Destination 8”, now here we are. For literally a split second I had a feeling regret and slight panic for saying that, and then I was like “Fuck it. Then I die now, at least I know how it feels and had the experience.” And I didn’t think about it anymore. And then I forgot I had listened to Angelic Intercession and Devic Intercession before then. And it hit me after a bit passed, I was like “Hmm, if my angels are out there. Helping hand? lol. If not, I understand.” And then he fixed it shortly after. Lol. So I felt like shit and kept apologizing. I could hear panic in his voice, he was tryna just get my mind off of it. He was like “You ready for something crazy?” I said “Hell yeah!” And he started to spin it in circles. He did that for a little. And when when we were about to land, he was like, bring my feet all the way in the front. Lmao. I did that shit with ease. Even Hispanic Surfer Dude (lol forgot his name) he was like, “You landed so gracefully and with ease.” lol (The others stumbled) I will be keep touch with one of them. Everyone was super cool. Staff, co-divers, and etc. I wanna do it again. Lol
I also notice, I am loving to do things out of the norm all the time. The more I push through things that are discomforting, the more I want to keep doing it. This is a pro and con for me. Lol
Edit: A friend was asking me at Discord about the situation, and I had realized I left out some details about the dive after I rewatched the video. Figured it might help someone out and know what to expect.
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I remember the other day. I was getting my annual check-up for my car. And while I was waiting, there was the cutest black baby kitten. I asked the dude “Hey, is that a ferret?!” I love animals of the weasel family. She looked like a baby weasel lol. And he was like “Naw, she a kitten.” So I haven’t had been able to have a pet in a long time, so I ran up to the baby. But when I did that, she looked up and started to run away. So I’d gotten down to eye level with her, to let her not take my size as a threat. I also seen her looking at me from my peripheral, so I looked away bashfully from her, so she didn’t take my facial expressions as a threat or a surprise. Then as I was bouta pop a mandala on the phone screen, she started to crawl by my leg, and like rubbed on my leg a bit, and then went to her small little teeny weeny little can of cat food. (cute lol) And I started to pet her gently, and started to think deeply into how blessed we are to just be able to experience creatures such as animals. Where would we be without them? I started to cry so hard, and thinking about the innocence and simpleness in her… She just wanted her food, and to be loved. Lol. Tears flooding my face. I will never cry for physical pain, or emotional pain(since I was little) but I always cry tears of gratitude or happiness. Haha, I lie. Sometimes I cry at love/sad movies too lol. But dude said he was done. I guess he’d seen how I was with the kitten, and he was like “Give her a home.” Sadly, I can’t right now, due to financial situation and there’s some things I am saving up for atm. And I didn’t feel like explaining something that touched me so deeply with him. So I had my head down, and looked up at him with my tear-stricken eyes, "I can’t bro. I got hella bad allergies, man. " He was like “Oh shit. I had no idea. That is a valid reason.” 
lol I love animals so much. She is very well taken care of though. I got a video of her.
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I love life when i’m not at work :)
While it’s been common practice and well-known knowledge I think I’m actually beginning to “actualize” the importance of meditation alone but also in regards to the energy we all work with here.
I’ve picked up meditation for the past couple of months with some days off and aiming for at least 10 mins at first 5 minutes and Now I find myself being able to go for 20 minutes at a time without my body feeling like it needs to move or I’ll suffocate.
(App name: Habit tracker on Andriod)
This came not soon after Sammy had dropped the knowledge on how to best integrate the NFTs and thus started my pursuit to integrate, I put away a lot of the NFTs I own (sorry Trader…) and became started to meditate right before bed on the image with the audio in the background.
I have a hard time seeing images in my mind’s eye, and initially saw this as an obstacle but I didn’t let it stop me and carried on, one day I noticed I was tired and gave the practice of mentally envisioning the NFT in my headspace and BOOM I began to feel the pressure so strong it was undeniable I was tapping into the energy of the NFT. I felt the energy wave shoot straight into the center of my head ( I have the NFT 1 foot away from my head). THat’s when I realized my pure intention to recognize the image was enough to tap into the energy and form that connection, So you can say perhaps i used my weakness (lack of mental images) as a strength to engage an even greater force (intention) to help with the process of integration.
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Finally got a laptop 
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Awesome! Gratz! 
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Thank you!
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life is gud
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Yesterday was a magical day! I mean, it was a horrible day as well. It started good, until I had went to my favorite Shells(in the Universe haha). I love going to this place because, there’s like a young playa black cat, and 3 Pakastani’s, and they are all SUPER respectful. I love these guys. And all but Ismael(I mentioned about him in another post.I had met his son today, and what a kid! 22 years old seemingly from the 'Hood of Brooklyn, but talking about gotta be grateful for what we have. I was impressed! At 19, I was a straight fuck-up lol. Kid was ahead of his time. Sorry for the long run-on sentence haha) It’s always laughs and smiles when I go there. So as I talked them, I broke one of my golden rules(never again lol), to always keep my phone in my pocket! I had set it down, and apparently put a flyer on it so I guess I could hide it from me or something. So I wouldn’t be able to find it DOH! Lol. What made me think of it was I wanted to get Ismael’s son’s phone number. Cuz both of them seem so cool. Really humble and nice. And I literally have no friends around where I am at. All my friends are like 45 minutes away. I don’t stress and most times I don’t attach to anything or anyone anymore(the latter has always been and always will be lol) but I also know from experience that one should not pass such an opportunity.
So I’d reached for my phone, and it’s gone! So I am thinking I had left it in the car. So my dumb ass go out and search the car for it. Then fill up the gas. So I am like “Hmmmm, probably left it at home.” So I drive about 15 minutes home and when I am 4 minutes from the house, i remembered I had it when I was in the car earlier! I had set a “Cease Energy Leaks” mandala cuz I was kinda tired a bit. So I was like, "Maybe I had left it at Shells. (I think all this was because I hadn’t slept too good. I had woke up early, and it was a bit hot) So then I started to drive back to Shells, but I pulled over into a parking lot, and searched again. Then I was like, "Damn, maybe I should have went to the house after all. lol. So bro, I take my dumb ass back to house. Knowing damn well I remembered I had set the mandala like 30 minutes ago. Lmao. Or was my mind playing tricks on me cuz I was tired? But the whole time, I was calm as hell. So I drive my idiotic ass back to Shells lol, optimistic about the whole thing. I had wasted gas going all around the world looking for the sonofab*tch, so I KNOW it’s there. And sho’ nuff, when I get there, it was STILL there! I was so happy! Also, was a playa ass young cat there I had met from some weeks ago. Dude is funny as hell! I love that Shells man! All 3 of the younger dudes complimented me on my tats (This is everywhere lol.)
So I chopped it up with bro real quick, and then off the plasma place! But when I had went, my blood pressure was too low! And it was 111 beats ber minute when I had checked. So they sent my ass home after two tries, first time ever! Lmao. Even today it was the same. And on top of that, it was 101 degrees outside farenheit. AND I was sweating profusely! Haha, you’re asking why did I call it a ‘magical’ day? Because the Anger management audio and Patience and KIndness audio and maybe others as well too. I also use the Ego Death from P.I., and I feel they are working synergistically. But I KNOW ME. The old me would have literally spazzed out, being pissed at what I couldn’t change. Punching shit and even coming off with a fucked up attitude around people, just so they could try to get an attitude so I can try and knock someone’s head off. When I used to be pissed, I seen red. Literally I would get so mad, and would see red lines in my eyes. It’s hard to explain. Like I think it has something to do with all the blood rushing to my head so quickly. I have even shot at someone and tried to kill them at Wal-mart(and almost did lol) just for looking at me funny. I had a specific childhood, and it caused me anger patterns via my subconscious. Pure rage actually.
So I been spamming the Anger Management everyday for maybe 3 or more plays. Sometimes hours. And the other day, I was crying so hard. First time in my life, I have ever had such a strong grip on my anger. It’s so liberating. To not take everything seriously, and even be okay while others poke and kid at you. I am so grateful for the Anger Management audio, and also the True Self of Others is pure gold as well. But then I had went to my old elementary school. And it was surreal being back there. It made me emotional a bit. So many memories. I remember shit from elementary school still! Lmao. Not sure how. I talked to this younger dude that was on the playground, he’d went there too as a kid, but he was only 22. I had spoked something in Spanish(Really like one or two words but with perfect pronunciation) and he was like “Damn, you speak Spanish?!” Lol. He was there with his girl and kid. And he asked out of the blue, “Do you work out?” I get asked this question all the time, and I always love to tell people “no” at first, just to see what they say.
So he was like “Damn, all genes?” And then I told him how I was smaller than him before I got locked up at 127, but came home at 195 solid. He said I was “lucky”(Though I been working out since 2012? How is that ‘lucky"? lol. But I think he might was speaking genetics or whatever) So I told him a secret. Sapien Medicine. And he bit on it quick. I put alot of people on at the Plasma Place too about Sapien Medicine. Anyone I get coo’ with actually. I sometime be reading the comments to some subs and etc, and they got people who be like “Don’t tell anyone about this, keep our community small.” Lol. Uh, why again? I feel like if something is great, life-changing, extremely beneficial, a huge blessing, and affordable(yt), why not put people ‘on’? Doesn’t make sense to me. Then I seen a girl Jogging, and had a big friendly old wolf dog. I played and pet him for a little as I spoked to her. I loved him. Just the look on his face. The girl was really sweet too, because she had tied him up. And he kept like wanting to walk with her. But she didn’t want him to do too much because he’s old already. I should have told her about Sapien, but I got so caught up in the convo I had forgot. :( Then I seen this old Vietnamese Lady walking around. She was 80! Looked about 60! I talked with her a little. I love talking to Older Vietnamese people. They always assume I am unable to speak it as well as I do. Lol. Like they always ask, “You were born here!? Your Vietnamese is soo good!” Lmao. Anyways. Bleep bleep bleep, that’s all folks! Lol If you have an Anger problem, use the Anger Management audio! Life changer! I had forgot this was one of the main reasons why I was posting this.
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Oraaa oraaa , ganbare ganbareee 
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I love animals and music so much.
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After studying spiritual theories and having direct experiences, there’s no going back.
I’m scared too. I don’t remember the last time I was this frightened.
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I haven’t seen “Dangerous Minds” in so long. (I was like 10 or 11 when it had first came out lol) But yesterday, I’d seen it again with a family member of mine. And then I forgot how beautiful this movie is. If you guys got time, please watch it. It really hits deep. The iconic song to the movie as well.
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I love questioning everything. I love self-experimentation. I love direct experience.
I love how open-minded I’ve been in my life.
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