Hello together, this is my first post on this forum.
Feels like I am closing out an important chapter in my life. The last few years were an absolut mess for me. The foundation of my life seems unstable. It´s like leaving an island that offered only rotten fruits to swim to another not knowing where you are finally going. Cutting all people out of my life, wasn´t able to until now, despite better knowing. I´m tired of my old life, my old me. I lied to myself over and over again. Everything was a lie, my selfperception, my “friends” “family”, beliefs, values…
I have to rebuild myself. Deep down I knew it all the way long. Cutted all substances out. Had an very bad porn addiction for 8-9years. Started praticing semen retention with the intention to save my energy and learn healthy sexuality for a real,mature relationship that would challenge me to grow spiritualy.
Started training again, eating better…3Weeks in I met a woman who mirrored my own shadowself. Our chemistry was intense. She wasn´t honest with me, at least verbally. But she sparked something inside of me. To burn the immature, codependent, narcissistic child that I was. Desperately searching for mamas love. Awoke the desire to be a better man, to be more in tune with who I really are. I haven´t drawed in years, she sparked that again. Didn´t worked out for us, but I learned so much about myself since then.
In the years before I had an gigantic spiritual ego. Talked big about it, despite knowing nothing. I am forgiving myself. Forgiving everybody that made me feel hurt. I am going to heal this year, doing a ton of shadow work since nov. 21, going to a therapist first time in my life. No job, a bit debt. But I know I am going to make it. Feel like I have nobody to talk about this right now, so I drop it here.
Take care
kuddos to you 
You can also create your own post if you want to talk about this more in depth! 
I know if there was another car on the other side, I would have most likely hit him/her head on. Well, I was stuck and couldn’t get out. No matter how hard I pressed the pedal. In “drive” or “reverse”. So I called a family member to bring his rope, and turned off my engine. Well, as I was sitting there in 35 degree weather, soo many random people pulled up to check if I was hurt or okay. It was soo weird for me, because it was in the NE of Houston. If I was in SW, where I was born, I am not so sure so many people would’ve tried to help me. But then again, it seems people are even nicer when I am in the SW too now. It’s crazy. And many went outta there way to do so! Like they were tryna push my car, and even tryna put things under the wheels to try and get it out. I even told them it’s okay, and they didn’t have too, but they insisted. Like probably 8 or so cars pulled over. I think maybe a couple of more. That shit touched me for some reason. Lol. (I know the old me would have had pride issues, like "It’s not the end of the world, shiiit! I’m okay. Lmao) I was just feeling so blessed that my angels are always looking out for me. For some months now, I keep seeing angel numbers everywhere. E-mails, text message times, constantly see them on songs/audios I listen to (whenever I leave for a good random amount of time, then come back to look at it, and it be on usually 1:11, 2:22, 3:33 and sometimes 4:44. But the time elapsed is usually always on 1:11), YT amount of comments, out when I drive, and etc etc. I started off with me literally seeing only 11:11, every morning, and every night on the clock. It was like that for months. It seemed since then, synchronicities started to pick up again. Anyways, just feeling so loved and blessed. 
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Then I was just like, “Shit, if I die today, then so be it. I would rather deal with the uncertainty of death, then to not have experience how it feels to jump out of a plane.” I used to have a HUGE fear of heights. Used to say when I was a little kid(I wanted to be a Navy SEAL, but became a criminal miscreant instead lol) It has always been a dominating fear of mine. But I didn’t feel like I was going to die for some reason. But I remember that feeling of nonchalance to death. (A friend had gifted me with Blue Tara, and I’ve been using P.I.'s 7 stages of Ego death faithfully, along with spamming Anger Management, and the latter one is the last piece to the rest of the wholesome stack I’ve been missing.) I am changing for the better, and it’s a snowball effect. But I’ve been using some of these fields for almost a year already. Haha, I’d talked with the young couple that went before me, tryna cheer them up. He looked gloomy lol so I yelled out, “Go get it bro! Not shit!” I think that gave them both umpth, because they had like a little hopeful smile. They came back, and they said it wasn’t that bad. Guess it worked. Lol
But Anger Management makes me not take things too serious anymore. Like, I don’t attach to things anymore. I been doing really good. So I yelled out, as a joke “Final Destination 8, cast here we are!” Not sure if they heard me. 
So the girl jumped first, and she was really really cool people lol. Then when it was my turn to go, I forgot to tie my shoes in a double knot as they had said. (I was so stoked I’d missed when they said it? lol) So I pulled my feet back into the airplane. He was like at first “Naw!” I am like “Shit got me fucked up, you ain’t gonna buy me a new pair of Nikes” lol Excuse my French. So I started to tie my shoes. And at first he was like “Come on!” Under his breath.
As I looked down upon the BEAUTIFUL scenery (Mostly grassland and some houses, but nonetheless breathtaking form up there), I started reflecting on the situation at hand. So I was like in my head, "Lol, You janky mf. You’d joked around about “Final Destination 8”, 
lol I love animals so much. She is very well taken care of though. I got a video of her. 
