I woke up today after a nightmare. The person I fell in love with, falling in love with somebody else. I couldn’t do anything but stand there and watch them get closer and closer. Even though I made it a point to spend time with him, they still got closer.
It’s my biggest fear to fall deeply in love, be so committed, and then the person I love leave me for someone else. Or worse, cheat on me. The ultimate betrayal that wounds me deep. I feel like I might not recover from that.
There’s been some actions from a guy I’m seeing that have triggered these deep fears within me. It’s been a while since those have been poked.
This dream came after these actions, and last night he didn’t keep his word and call me when he promised. When I asked him about it lovingly, he ignored my message. He warned me of this in the beginning, though. His need for improvement on following what he promises.
A little about me… I’ve been focused purely on my spiritual wellness and health over the past decade.
I’ve just begun dating again after 2 years of really diving in deep to become my whole, confident, connected, and aligned self. I had committed to my work in supporting others to solidify their connection to source. At some point, I was considering living at a temple to go deeper. But then I realized it was time to ground in.
I went from feeling so vibrant, confident, free, happy, aligned, and then these couple of actions from him chipped away slowly. Doubt creeped in, I wondered if this was going to end up poorly.
On one hand, this is the best relationship I’ve had, that’s made me feel safe, seen, and wanted.
On the other hand, a couple of his flaws trigger this deep insecurity within me.
I want nothing else to purge this pain of the past from my being so I can start fresh, start new. So I can know if my reactions are just purely triggers and that they’re not clouding my judgment.
I dated someone years ago that was a serial cheater. I think he was also addicted to sex.
Years after breaking up, I learned from friends that he lied to me about how many people he cheated on me with.
At this point I no longer consider that it a “relationship,” he attempted to make me part of his supply.
I don’t live with the active consideration of past lives, I focus on this one, but every past life that’s come up for review has to do with being the woman who stays at home wishing for her wayward husband to come back from his affair.
Today I’ve been using:
Trauma and Healing audio on repeat.
Self love
The Plasma Light & IBB
So far they’re helping but I feel like the mountain of STUFF is not being touched. These audios are sweeping the debris from the doorway.
I want a purging of these traumas/fears/past life so I can see this situation clearly. Because of the trauma, I can’t tell if I’m overreacting, reacting harshly or justified. I really want to slow down and not be in emergency mode so I can remember what really matters when I’m this relationship with him.
I want to see it for what it is, and not let the shadows creep in and pour in doubt. I want to make choices based on what’s best for us, because I really don’t think he’s being malicious with his actions. I think they are habits that he is aware of and acknowledges aren’t the best.
I want to give this a chance without feeling like running away because this mountain of pain is triggered.
Any suggestions on what audios to add? I can handle a purge. It just needs to be confined to the time and now, and not be so overtly messy… like I experience moldavite purges to be.
