@Moshiro Have you tried Vox Tenebris? That and mstates seem like a good combo, if for nothing better than giving you the insight into how to resolve your situation. I sense that you have created an identity about “I don’t understand”, so perhaps being willing to let that go while you are on the way to realizing that “you are what you need to be already”. Conceptual Conglomerate also comes to mind, but a healthy dose of ego dissolution and trauma release may also stand you in good stead. https://forum.enlightenedstates.com/t/the-crucible-of-stored-trauma/20404 https://forum.enlightenedstates.com/t/the-alchemical-revision-of-trauma/41981 https://forum.enlightenedstates.com/t/the-archetype-of-parental-love/12387 (you are getting the yang, but can’t unpack the yin).
Just some food for thought, which no doubt will spur some other, more scholarly responses. Best to you on your quest! 