Sounds like a heavy self-sabotage pattern.
Self-sabotage happens when the subconscious mind tries to keep you safe from something, usually an old very deep traumatic experience.
So finding out the trauma and healing it would be the solution.
Yes, you already know that this is the case.
Important:
Very often we cannot see what the trauma is or what the actual source of the self-sabotage is because there is often an additional layer of shame and guilt on top of the self-sabotage.
The key here is to first the remove the blinding effect of shame/guilt by admitting that there is a problem / self-sabotage pattern going on and that YOU are the origin of it.
Shame = the emotion of when we try to hide something from the world and do not want the world to see it.
So what would that be that you are trying to hide from the world and that you don’t want anyone to see and know?
What coping mechaninsm are you ashamed of?
Admit it and then you can remove the shame and guilt.
For example, when you overused porn as a cope mechanism, you need to admit that there was a part of you that actually enjoined every moment of the dopamine rush of it.
Accepting that a part of you enjoyed it, allows you to accept that part and no longer try to hold it down with shame and guilt.
Admit it and let the whole world know.
Once you accept it you become FREE to move on because you are no longer invested in hiding the past and supressing a part of you.
When the shame and guilt layer is removed, your perception will change and you will able to bring to consciousness what the underlying issue of the trauma might be.
That you can work on the topic that causes the trauma.
So the layers usually are – going from the top (consciousness) to the bottom (subconscious):
- The Experience that it is not working out
- Shame & Guilt that prevent from you from accepting that there is a self-sabotage pattern
- The Self-Sabotage pattern
- The need to be safe at any cost and sabotage everything that threatens this safety
- Deep strong Trauma