Hey guys I just finished reading about mother enmeshment and I realized how much of a problem it truly is in my life. I am a 22 year old male.
My mother was a single parent throughout most of my childhood. My father was arrested early on and I did not keep contact with him through my teen years. He was a very abusive person. My mother is very abusive as well, tormenting me through out most of my childhood through physical and verbal attacks beyond normal punishment of bad behavior (I will admit I was not a gold star, I was very rebellious as a kid and got myself into a lot of trouble) but her words and punishments were cruel and over the top.
Being a single mother, she needed someone for support. She expected me, a kid, to take care of her and constantly made me feel guilty for putting my needs first. She never respected my boundaries and if I tried to tell her about it I’d get a good beating. Unfortunately she made the purpose of my existence solely to take care of her and programmed this into my subconscious very early in life. If I place my or anyone elses needs over hers I would never stop hearing about it and experience intense feelings of guilt. I now realized that this perpetual guilt still lives inside me and dictates my life, even though I left home and cut communications with her completely about 6 months ago. I have healed tremendously thanks to Sapien Medicine however, this guilt still manifests itself very well into my adult life. for example, I have low self esteem, have trouble taking care of myself and suffer from extreme impulsive behaviors (porn addiction mainly)
I dont know any other place with individuals that are as caring and knowledgeable as they are here so I am humbly asking for advice on fields or general spiritual/life advice. Thanks for reading !
If you also want to work on things from an angle of building the understanding and perceptions that can strengthen your willingness and ability to be free then you might want to read The Fantasy Bond by Robert Firestone.
Comprehension alone is rarely the answer but it can be a very useful support pillar in the architecture of freedom.
It is a book of rare insight or I wouldn’t recommend it.
As I start my reply to you, it’s going to seem like I’ve gone on some crazy tangent but, please stick with me. I promise I’ll bring it back to you and your question.
When I read this, I’m reminded of a big holiday feast–lots of different and abundant dishes, heaped high and spread across the big table. And even when every single one of those full dishes delights you, it can be a really unpleasant experience if you tried to cram all of that delicious food into your mouth all at once, you know?
Instead, we’ve learned that when we break down that delightful feast, when we make ourselves a nice plate of some of that food and when we cut down the food on our plates into smaller, bite-sized pieces, two things happen:
We can easily eat our food and
We have a much more enjoyable experience in the process.
(Are you with me so far?)
So, why am I talking about this to you? What does this have to do with you?
I’m glad you asked!
This phrase that you’ve learned might be validating. I mean, it feels less lonely when you learn that other people have gone through similar experiences and that there’s nothing weird about you. (And there is nothing weird about you!)
But phrases like this is like that feast table. Your phrase takes several different issues, which are really their own “dishes,” and piles these “dishes” onto the same feast table. That’s great for presentation but, like the food feast, that presentation makes it harder for us to now deal with it. (And I’ll get to this in a moment. Hang in there; you’re doing great!)
And this particular label is a bit of misdirection, as you’ve already discovered. Because this label sort of make it sounds like she’s the problem, right? (And I get it. She has her flaws and her flaws have impacted you, which I’m sorry to hear.) But you’ve removed her presence from your moment (you’ve left home and you’re not communicating with her) yet you’re still (understandably) having your challenges.
So, we know that she’s no longer the problem. We know that the problem is going on inside of you. Now let me be clear: I know that sounds blameful but it’s not. I’m NOT blaming you. I’m pointing this out because this is good news. This is a distinction that’s helpful to you.
You see, at the end of the day, we can’t do to much to change her. So, it’s a good thing that she’s no longer the problem. But you have A LOT of power and ability to change what’s going on inside of you. You’ve got your hands on all those dials, whether you’ve ever been told that or not. So, from where I sit, this is excellent news!
What do we do with this excellent news?
I’m glad you asked that, too.
I’d start with my feast analogy. Start by recognizing this less as a single feast (less as “mother enmeshment”) and more as the individual “dishes” that make up this feast. You already know some of those “dishes,” because you’ve told us about them.
(And, BTW, it’s completely understandable that you have these “dishes” on your “feast table.” And a lot of these “dishes” were, at that time, actually wise and productive strategies that helped you to survive those earlier, tough times.)
When you look at your “feast” in terms of “dishes,” you’ve got some choices.
If you’re “starving” (I’m stretching the metaphor, so I don’t confuse you by mixing metaphors) and you want to tackle this as you sort your “feast” into “dishes,” then you can jump into the Point of No Return (PONR) field or stacks, which will help with some of what you may be experiencing, as you continue to sort your “feast” into your “dishes.”
When you’ve sorted your “feast” into your “dishes,” you can then start matching up those “dishes” with various tools (think “knives”, “forks” and “spoons”) to help you digest your “dishes.” For example, you might notice that one of your “dishes” is your past experience. Then we can suggest fields like the Revision series or the Crucible series, to help you digest that “dish.” (We might also recommend the Outlook Retrainer and/or New Perspectives to follow the Revision series or the Crucible series as a “dessert.”)
If you wanted to work through your “dish” of guilt, then you can use the Emotional Release field and the Self-Healing fields.
As you do your healing of your various “dishes,” you might want to explore The Archetype of Parental Love which will introduce you to experiences of healthier (for you) versions of the love your birth parents were unable to give you.
Speaking of doing great for yourself, you tell us that you have trouble taking care of yourself. I think you’re not giving yourself enough credit. You did leave the house and you did change how you engage with her. And you continue to work through this situation, in spite of the powerful emotions you’re feeling. I think you’re doing a courageous and wonderful job, as best you can, of taking care of yourself.
If you’d like the support from fields as you continue to do your courageous and wonderful job of taking care of yourself as best you can, then you have JAAJ’s Daily Self Love Stack to support you.
What a great response. I must have read it a dozen times by now haha. Thank you for that it is truly helpful and beautifully put together. The feast analogies really make it easy to understand the message here. I will certainly break down my “feast” into much more manageable “dishes”. :) The field recommendations and effort put into your reply are much appreciated!
One other way that the “feast” analogy applies to your situation is, just like with a proper feast, it doesn’t matter which “dish” you start with. Start wherever you’d prefer.
