Hello 
Welcome to the forum!
First off.
Surrender and Fall apart. Fully. Completely 
With the knowing that after we reach the bottom there is no other way but up, and you will get up and reach higher. I promise you.
So let it all out. Cry it all out, deep felt shed tears wash the eyes… ironically then, we “see” better
When we cry because we feel like we are falling apart, that cry comes from the soul so we must let it because it has all the reasons and information we need to build from zero once all the buried, clogged up tears are released.
To be sure you let all out, while crying keep asking things to yourself.
Why am i really crying?
Why does it hurt?
Why do i feel like falling apart?
What is falling apart?
For something to be falling apart it has to had been a structure.
What structure is falling apart?
The life i built in my dreams, how i imagined it.
When?
WHEN I WAS GROWING UP
and then youll realize that the one crying is the Inner Child.
Its always the inner child. Always.
So talk to him/her, he/she is the one that feels betrayed by grown up you.
But why tho?
Because you forgot about him/her and the dreams you both were supposed to achieve.
The problem is not just forgetting about those dreams, but leaving behind the partner (the inner child) that should have been there all the time to
build with you.
Every single time our world “falls apart” is a cry from the inner child, it cant take it no more, its upset, angry, rebellious.
The good news is. That we just need to merge with them again, give them the importance they deserve, name them the Vice President of our life again.
Because its them where we find joy again
Its in them where we find the wonder in life again, the innocence, the raw genuine hope.
The inner child never runs out of dreams, energy, and courage. Never.
And once we team up with them again, we can face life and the world with the knowledge and experience of the grown up plus the push, exciment and confidence of the inner child.
Do that and once you have clear where you have failed not the grown up, not society, not your family but the inner child you will have somewhere to start.
Also, kindly tell us if you have the means to buy fields, or just free ones you are looking for or could be both, so we know better how to advice you.
But one thing i do want to advice you from now, since its imminent that you will starting the new job soon, and you need it, things cant turn around just at this hot minute to do what you want. Thats ok, we gotta face life’s responsibilities with what we can but without forgetting the new plan with the inner child.
After you talk and cry with the inner child. Dust yourself up, go wash your face with cold water, iced water actually all the way to the back of the neck.
Then imagine the new job as if it was “someone” and actual person.
And be grateful to it. Immensely. Feel full grateful to it.
Because lets choose a specific gender for the sake of the explanation
Lets say your new job is a man.
Imagine the man was the one that chose you.
Out of all the participants. He - chose - you.
And he chose you because he saw great things in you.
The man is happy and eager to meet you
Is dreaming of all the things that you two will do together
Is anticipating with excitement all the new fantastic things you will bring to the organization.
He cant literally cant wait to meet you.
He is waiting with open arms and heart full to welcome you.
Imagine if he knew what you are feeling now.
Imagine what he would think if he knew you are almost disgusted about meeting him, you are rejecting him before meeting him, you will accept him because what you want is not possible. You will use him. And then more likely leave him the minute you find the chance to run away. You cant wait to run away one day.
How do you think he would feel if he knew this now?
…
Exactly.
Thats why you gotta imagine and actually talk to him. Because everything is energy and energy vibrates with what we emanate and answers back with the same vibration.
Be grateful to him
Deeply grateful
Be honest with him
Tell him all you feel
But then while you are being honest with him, also acknowledge the good things about him
At the end of the day you too chose him.
And then make a deal with him.
Promise to be grateful, promise to respect him, promise to treat him and do as he is expecting.
Let him know that tho you will still make a plan and little by little persuit what you would love to do, you will still give your best, out fo respect and gratitude because he chose you.
And notice how the whole vibration of it changes hugely in a positive way.
And you will fell much better about it. Once because you did the right thing, because no matter how difficult something is hard for us to do WE MUST ALWAYS DO THE RIGHT THING it does not change when circumstances change.
And because you were honest with him, he"ll be gentle to you and help you.
And trust me when we embrace with love whatever comes our way, that something unfolds surprises or pathways or people who would turn out to be of help to build the dream you have with your inner child. Trust me. The minute we release the apprehension is the minute the universe rewards you.
Its a never ending universal test. :)
